Within the last year, as we navigate into new ways in the world, I’ve been finding myself in a strange space personally and professionally. I make my living as a creative director and designer and generally pride myself on being a passionate communicator; a direct but kind leader. I also appreciate that I’m self aware, so believe me when I say, I know there are prickly sides as well. Reactive, impatient; also symptoms of passion, throttled me forward as an eager young Black creative, hustling from gig to gig and never taking no for an answer. For my entire life, all I had were my experiences, quality communication and my charm to position me toward growth, but now I was receiving feedback about my methods from a team I’d built. I found myself in need of some clarity and time for self reflection, but all of my best girl friends were scattered across the country.
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Lucky for me, the sun decided to shine on Los Angeles this past Sunday, and I gratefully accepted the invitation to attend Black Love Inc.’s YOU Retreat highlighting sisterhood and self-love. Cascading florals, framed memories, and powerful quotes seemingly painted on the walls created a beautiful backdrop for the experience. Quaint breakfast bites, crafty cocktails, and Black-owned food trucks kept us nourished throughout the day, but the conversations made us full. There was no shortage of introspection or inspiration in the place, and since I left, I’ve been eager to use what I learned from every Black woman that poured into me. In natural fashion, The YOU Retreat immediately reminded me how organically we meld together when we share space. How even as a solo visitor, small groups of women chatting never felt cliquey, and even though we were moving in an unmentioned rhythm, there wasn’t a monolith in sight. Vibrant and muted, outspoken and timid, big and small — The YOU Retreat and events like it serve as a simple, yet pungent, reminder that sisterhood and community are not optional but a necessity for how we manifest our own peace and power in our lives.
“Know who you are before you walk in the door.” -Jemele Hill
While the “no new friends” mantra plagues our timelines, we learned first hand how successful women lean on their new relationships for clarity, camaraderie and community. Finding sisterhood in those hard moments is what turns the tables. An ear to listen, a joke to spare, a good laugh to replace a good cry and this event encouraged a space for all of that in one beautiful day. “I was a little late to sisterhood, but it’s my next favorite hood…”, Winans laughed through her wide smile – and she’s right! So many of us pride ourselves on the friendships we’ve had since grade school but those naturally developed childhood relationships are no match for the divine assignment of an adult sister-friend. Someone who can see who you are today, without a reference of who you used to be. Someone who has no reason to hold you back or doubt your strength but, on the contrary, only sees the endless potential that you have. (Double points if your spouses and kids like each other too!)
I’m reminded that I’ve become accustomed to giving everything to this work, but now I am at a stage where I should be cultivating the communities that will support me when this work is gone. I was inspired to expand my circles; to reach out to the acquaintances that have always had the potential to grow real connections. The ones that I let be swept away with “not enough time.” If The YOU Retreat has shown me anything it’s that I need to be surrounded by a circle of friends, that even in just meeting me can understand everything from my inflations to my efficiency without taking offense or feeling lack. It’s that level of unwavering support that encourages you to stand, get comfortable and dig your heels in. Once you’re operating from a space of confidence and comfort, being your true authentic self, you can do the job you’re here to do and be gracious to yourself in the process. Hearing these examples of resilience reassures me that this is a fight I can win.
“Boundaries breed balance.” –Nneka Ogwumike
A panel discussion on wellness, brought to the foreground a lot of my efforts to merge my professional and personal life, when in truth we need boundaries that promote our well-being. After being invested for so many years, with 100-hour work weeks, I’d become accustomed to things going and looking a certain way. Finding time for wellness, for my family, for the things that matter to me, helps to loosen those reins as my focus is thankfully elsewhere. An audience member asked a question and mentioned that so many of us wear sacrifice as a defining characteristic, when really we deserve, most of all, the grace and peace we extend.
Nneka Ogwumike, 2012 WNBA #1 draft pick and another amazing speaker at the retreat, reminded us that it doesn’t need to be Instagrammable either. Finding rest and cultivating wellness for ourselves can be as simple as writing a gratitude list at night or as intentional as being specific in how you speak about yourself. The grace that we have in abundance for others should also be offered to ourselves, as often and as fluidly as we require.
After taking a moment to grapple with my hurt feelings, I realized that my vantage point was now ideal. The pressure I was setting on my team comes from the same place that motivates me to win, that pushes me to keep trying. All of that hard work has brought me to this place, where I can now take off some of the armor that was required for that fight, because we fought to win. I now can find time for wellness and rest, to recharge, to revisit the avenues that I’ve considered walking down, to use my voice to find something more to say.
Radiant as ever, our gracious host and Black Love Inc. Co-Founder/CEO Codie Elaine Oliver had a goal to curate a safe space that prioritizes our experiences, reassures our mental capacity, and celebrates our wins without comparison or judgment; a space to share our lessons and lean on one another. Her words challenged me to be open with my struggles.
“As women, we carry a lot, and if we don’t share our stories, we’re letting others go through it alone.” –Codie Elaine Oliver
I could not agree more. Not only did she succeed, but like every Black Love endeavor, she has undoubtedly pushed the envelope to ensure our true stories are told and heard loud and clear. Transparent, relatable, and awe-inspiring, the lineup of speakers and the on-time conversations really made me proud to be present. There was no lack of unity or diversity amongst us, and it is the magic of Black women and sisterhood that will ensure my return to The YOU Retreat next year — job well done.
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