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From an Orphan Who Never Wanted Kids to Healing and Raising Seven Children
by Yasmine Jameelah
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August 15, 2022

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32 Minute Read

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From an Orphan Who Never Wanted Kids to Healing and Raising Seven Children

Made in Partnership with 

Amber & Peter (Courtesy of Amber & Peter)

Intergenerational trauma is defined as a concept developed to help explain years of generational challenges within families. My paternal grandparents were orphans, and it changed the dynamic of my family for multiple generations in ways that we’re still processing. As a result, I’ve always been fascinated with couples who dedicate themselves to making the conscious decision to have a different outcome – Amber & Peter Saij are one of those couples on this season of “Black Love” available now on the Black Love+ app. Like my grandparents, they were orphans, too. Children weren’t on either of their to-do lists, but years later, they’re now raising seven children together (six of which were adopted.)

Their story is remarkable and inspiring, but what I was most intrigued by is Amber’s journey to becoming a foster mother at 18. How did she come to the decision at such a young age? She says the woman who legally adopted her changed her perspective on motherhood.

Amber Saij: The woman who legally adopted me as an adult changed my mind. I wasn’t even a kid,  I had already left her house, and I told her I didn’t need her to adopt me. I had emancipated myself from the system, but it was important for her to do it because she said I was the only one that she had not adopted, so I allowed her to do that. It was in her home that I developed this passion because I had been in a lot of homes, and I was abused in those homes or mistreated. So after that, I felt chosen to do this, to help them. But I wasn’t really into kids, I’m going to be honest, because I had so many siblings, and there was a point in my life where I was disappointed that I didn’t want kids at all. But Lori was such a great mother to me, she was the one that really made me have this passion to do this. 

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Eventually, I got into social work also I’m now a practitioner, but she was such a role model for me. I never had someone that invested in me. For me, I felt like when I was growing up in the system, I was a check for people. Now that I’m older and I’m learning as a practitioner,  I know now as a foster parent if a kid comes to you and they have issues, you can get a higher rate for them. I was in therapy because of all the trauma that I endured with my dad, and I wasn’t a bad kid, but they were getting a lot of money to keep me. But Laurie’s parenting made me feel different and showed me that as a mother, I could do this. I could be great at it and help children on a larger scale.

Amber & Peter with their children. (Courtesy of Amber & Peter)

It’s funny now because every time I have a kid transition into adulthood like now my oldest is almost 18, I’m like okay, so should we take another? And my husband is like, okay, stop, you need to focus on yourself but I really do have a passion for the youth. I care about them so much because I relate to them. I always tell myself she was that person I needed. I needed somebody to love me, invest in me, care about me, and be there for me. That’s what I do with my children and with my clients. I feel very passionate about this demographic because I was that child I felt like nobody could understand me.

Lori spent that time with me. So I tell my kids when we travel and the things that I do with them, it’s because I had a role model. I had never gone on trips until she took me, and now we take them out of the country. I had not experienced that until I was a teen. She bought me my first pair of name-brand shoes. And I just remember we waited for hours in line just so I could have them, these are the things that I do for them because of what my Mom taught me – she is who I identify as my Mom. I never heard her curse; she never raised her voice at me, and always explained to me why things happened; I wouldn’t be half the woman I am if it were not for her guidance in my life. 

YJ: Take me through the timeline of you fostering to getting married. What was that journey like?

AS: I’ve been fostering and adopting since I was 18 years old. It started with my brother’s children. My brothers, just like myself, had a tough upbringing. When a situation happened, I was like, I don’t want my nieces and nephews to grow up and have a chance of having something happen to them, like things that happened to my brother and me. So I was like, no, without a doubt, I will take them in and just work with the department. This is before I even started working with the department professionally. That started at 18, and then it was almost like I don’t know, I’m not kidding. It was a blessing and a curse because I felt like it was happening so often. It was like, okay, now I have these children. I’ve stabilized them, the parents are okay, and now I’m getting another set of kids. It’s been mostly family members but also strangers. Some of the kids that I’ve fostered and adopted, I have no relationship to them whatsoever. They would just call me and say, hey, I have a kid. Are you interested? And then I mostly would take in teen girls because I remember how difficult it was to find safety for teen girls because the risk I’m learning now, like, the risk is so much higher because the parents are afraid, like, the girl gets pregnant now you’re not only caring for the girl. So I was taking the teen girls, they would call me and I’d say, okay, no problem. And I was able to connect with them on a different level because I’m like, I’ve already been there, I’ve already done that, and I’ve had great success. I’ve never had to give a notice for any kids. They’ve always either returned home, or transitioned out of my care into adulthood. I’m proud of that because people give notice all the time when  kids are acting up. I pride myself on really doing the work with them. My husband has done an amazing job with them as well, and for a while, I kept them away from him. He didn’t even know I had kids. 

YJ: Wow.

Courtesy of Amber & Peter

AS: Yeah, I had a full-time nanny. I was hiding them because I thought when he finds out how many kids I have, he’s going to leave me. And we had already discussed him not wanting children, and then that was earlier on, so I didn’t really call him on it. Then I found out it was because he had lost his parents too, and he was really afraid of losing people that he loved. I think how I introduced him was like, oh, I have my niece and nephew that they’re visiting. And then I think he thought I was having an affair because I would need to leave my place that I own to be with the kids when the nanny wasn’t with them. And then they were like, oh, well, you’re staying out overnight. So eventually, I had to tell him I have these kids, and he was shocked because he just thought that they were visiting. 

YJ: For anyone who’s afraid to tell their partner that they have children (whether natural children or foster), what would you tell them? 

AS: Don’t be afraid and put yourself in the children’s shoes. Like, the children didn’t ask for this dynamic. I’m also a huge advocate of therapy, but they should probably have that conversation with the therapist or a pastor, counselor, or other family members that support them because it is a lot to expect that your partner is going to assume that responsibility as a caregiver. With my husband, I told him I didn’t want to marry him because at that point, I was just fine with our relationship. I didn’t need a paper for someone to tell me that he loved me, and I wasn’t expecting him to be there for the kids. But when he was, it ended up being better because I was able to get that support and the paternal side of it because I can’t do everything on my own. It was actually a relief once he found out that he was able to support me, because even the kids’ behavior started to improve with his support.

YJ: You foster your brother’s children so I would assume that means contact with your birth family. How are you able to establish this new family while also keeping your biological family that you feel comfortable around close to you? 

AS: I think it’s easier for me because I’ve gotten to a place where I’m very limited with my communication with my birth family. My father’s side of the family is where the abuse is happening. I don’t speak to them. So for me, it’s not difficult to separate myself from them because I don’t have a relationship with them. There are very few that I communicate with, and that’s just to protect myself because of what happened to me growing up. I’m not saying they are bad people, I just don’t have that connection with them but I do speak to my brother regularly. But even with my kids, it’s a little bit of a struggle because they still communicate with their parents, so I’m trying to find a balance where I remember growing up, and I wasn’t able to communicate after my father passed and my aunt didn’t allow me to communicate with my mother. So I thought that was kind of harsh, and I wanted to allow my kids to have maintained that relationship, but unfortunately, their Mom is not stable. In the beginning, I struggled with that, and I allowed her to communicate with them, but it ended up backfiring because she was very destructive. Then I was left to kind of pick up the pieces right now, so I just cut it completely off and said at any time that you decide you want to get yourself together, you’re more than able to get your kids back, and I’ll help you facilitate that, but I’m not going to have you disrupt my household. 

YJ: Because you didn’t have an ideal family modeled for you, were they any challenges that you and your husband faced when creating a family together?

AS: Well, our parenting is pretty similar. Our focus is education but then for me,  I also value experiences. I like to take the kids to travel, and my husband prefers to do things at home because we have a large family, so it can be kind of expensive. And I’m just like, no, I want to do these things because this is what I enjoyed doing growing up, and the kids are going to remember this. So I think we struggle with that a little bit as far as how we decide what we do for fun. At times, he says I parent like a single mom because even though I dated, I was the primary provider for all the children. So occasionally, that’s a struggle, but overall, we have very similar values.  

YJ: Your husband originally did not want kids. What was that adjustment period like for him to become open to having children?

AS: It was very rough. We had a lot of therapy, and he had a lot of anxiety. During the pandemic, when he became closer with the kids he would have panic attacks realizing that he was connecting with the children on another level and that there’s a possibility if something happened to them, then he would lose them like he’s lost everyone else that he loves the most. That was very difficult. There were a lot of sleepless, restless nights because my husband’s anxiety was getting the best of him because he knew he had assumed this role as their father, and now he has to protect them at all cost, so that was very hard. But we worked through it, mostly with a lot of therapy.

YJ: Speaking of therapy, do you feel like therapy is necessary for every child (and parent fostering) that has been adopted/displaced from their home? 

Amber & Peter with their children

AS: 100%. I was required to do it for so long, I think that if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t be as stable as I am, or I would have the resources and the skills to be able to take care of the children that I’m able to now. People don’t understand how this trauma really affects children. Even if they feel like, oh, the kids are so young, they’re not going to remember, they subconsciously remember. Just like a baby where the parent is an addict, and they’re left alone most of the day, that’s going to affect that child growing up. That child can have attachment issues, and detachment issues. Our kids are all in therapy, and I do it by choice. They’re stable. I don’t think they necessarily need it now, but I want them to be grounded when they transition into high school, and adulthood, and feel like they have the resources that they need to get through whatever they’re going through within the family.

YJ: Was it difficult to get them to agree, or was it not optional?

AS: The older ones, yes. They are hesitant because they’re like, oh, we’re fine. We don’t know why you want us to do this. They don’t feel like it’s necessary, but they do it. And the younger ones, I always tell them, I kind of describe it as like your personal human diary. And they can’t tell anything that you tell them unless you want to harm yourself, someone else, or any type of abuse. The younger ones actually enjoy it, and I don’t have any grief from them about it. The older ones think,” Oh, I’m older, I can handle it” they don’t understand. I keep telling them, the choices that you’re making now will affect you into adulthood, so just talk to somebody about it and get through it. 

YJ: Do you feel like attachment/abandonment issues hinder children that have been adopted in romantic relationships?

AS: 100%. I think that was an issue with me in the beginning of my relationship with my husband. I was just so afraid to get close to him. I told him we’re going to hang out and have a good time. I’m not planning on being with you long-term, not thinking back. I feel bad for saying that, but that’s just how I felt. I’m just like, I’m not invested in him the way he was invested in me. I was afraid that I would fall so deeply in love with him, and then something happens to him, and then he’s now gone. It was difficult for me to open myself up to him, to be honest.

YJ: I want to pivot to your social work for a second because you now work in this field. Having family members who have been harmed by the impact of the adoption industry, do you feel like the adoption system is set up to harm Black and Brown families? Do you think that adoption agencies can be harmful to families and that their focus is often on money and not what’s best for the child? 

AS: Extremely. Even if the family dynamic is not so strong and stable, I believe the children are going to be more successful being with their birth family. I am a huge advocate for this. So we try to preserve the placement within the family if possible. I would always say, like, if there is a cousin, a grandmother, a brother or sister willing to step up, many families don’t know that they can get support from the state. Mine adoption was done privately, just my brother signed over his rights to me. But I learned later that I was entitled to receive benefits through the state. So they should really look into it. They can also help with housing. Don’t be discouraged from helping support their family members when there are services in place that they are entitled to that they can get. So I advocate for that too. A lot of people like to say, like, the department are kid snatchers, but I don’t do that unless there’s sexual abuse in the home. Even if there’s an allegation, I’ll take a kid immediately because that’s a trigger for me, so I’ll investigate it to ensure their safety. 

YJ: Throughout my life, I’ve come in close contact with many people who have been adopted, and I find that they’re either like I’m good and have no desire to find their families, or it’s something they’ve yearned for their entire lives. Do you think that on some internal level, everyone wants to find their family? 

AS: Yes, I think it’s absolutely internal. Even me, I was like, no, I don’t want to find out information about my birth mom. I was already emancipated and on my own. But then in the back of my mind I remember going to the doctor and being asked about my family history. And I just started to cry because I’m like, I don’t even know anything about my family’s health, so I can’t even tell this woman. She’s like, oh, does this run in your family? Does that run in your family? And I’m thinking, like, I have zero clue. So, yeah, I do think even if people deny wanting that, but it is a real thing that deep down inside, they want some confirmation about where they came from, some family history, their background. I think that’s why sites like Ancestry and 23 And Me are important because people really have a desire to know who they are. 

YJ: Would you say fostering and becoming a mother has helped heal you from the things that you experienced as a foster child? 

Courtesy of Amber & Peter

AS: 100%. I don’t think if I hadn’t had that experience, I would be who I am, literally. I wouldn’t have the patience that I have. I wouldn’t have the love that I have. I wouldn’t have the resources that I have. I wouldn’t be doing the work that I’m doing. It’s given me peace, and also it’s given me a sense of fulfillment. Also, I think I’ve indirectly helped my husband because I was able to show him that he’s able to love through the pain, heal, and create a family and feel safe and everything.

YJ: Now I’d love to hear from you and Peter. How vulnerable did you have to be with one another in order to build a family despite not having one modeled for you all due to the loss that you experienced? 

Peter and Amber Saij: I don’t think we were vulnerable at all in the beginning. That was the problem, unfortunately. Over time, we learned to develop it, it was a major work in progress for both of us. Because it’s a lifetime of having your guard up versus the relationship that we now have and learning not to do that with the people you care about. We’re different people from the people we were when first met, like, completely, totally different people in a much better way. When I look at Amber, I know I’m very fortunate that I have someone that’s willing to change and is able to change as an adult because that’s rare, and I hope she feels the same about me.

YJ: What would you tell couples working through immense trauma while building a relationship?

PS: Don’t be afraid of therapy. I was talking to a homie from high school about therapy, and he was like, it’s not for me, because he tried it with one person and it didn’t work. And I was like, imagine if you said the same thing about dating, right, because you went out and dated one woman, it didn’t work out? And you’re like, yeah, dating is not for me. That’s how you sound right now. You know what I mean? That therapist might not have worked out for you. Therapy is important because as we learn we realize that we all have colonized minds. We all have a lot of collective trauma, you know? Therapy can really help with that, especially if you weren’t raised in a way to understand the language, compromise, and communication that therapy helps you with. Where else are you going to get it from? 

AS: Another thing that I would add is not giving up, because I know people that do really quick. They’re not getting the results that they’re expecting so they want to leave. So I would say try to make it work as much as you can. Don’t I understand, it’s not going to be you can’t really work through a child that says they want to harm the family. You need to get that child some help. But even then, like, trying to stabilize the child and trying to make the family dynamic work, I would say don’t give up. And then for the parents, don’t lose sight of their intimacy with each other. It’s very quick to get lost with the family and the children specifically, but make time for each other so that they can be there for the children.

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