How to Cope With Mom Guilt

On April 21, 2015, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was everything I ever dreamed he would be. And becoming a mother was everything I ever dreamed it would be. I spent countless hours doing skin-to-skin with him, gazing into his beautiful brown eyes, holding him, nursing him, singing him lullabies, brushing his hair, bathing him, and taking him for long strolls. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture – we spent a wonderful amount of uninterrupted, quality time together, and it was magical.

Fast forward to the present. I am now the mother of two little boys. I gave birth to another beautiful baby boy on December 1, 2017. He is also everything I ever dreamed he would be. But have I spent countless hours doing skin-to-skin with him, gazing into his beautiful brown eyes, holding him, nursing him, singing him lullabies, brushing his hair, bathing him, and taking him for long strolls? The answer is sadly, “No.”

I would love to be able to spend as much time with my new baby as I did with my first, but I can’t — I have another little guy that is also depending on me. And I feel guilty about it.

I am a wife to the love of my life, my husband Rich, and I am a work-at-home mom (I don’t use the term stay-at-home mom because it fails to include what I do – work). Richie is our 3-year-old son and Quincy is our 9-month-old son. They are both loveable and feisty boys, and they keep us on our toes. And they require a lot of supervised time although for very different reasons. Richie is at an age where he needs to be kept busy or he will find things to do which sometimes are not desirable.

For example, the other day while I was pumping breast milk for my baby, he decided to increase the setting on the breast pump and I had to quickly try and stop him from turning it all the way up, while at the same time trying not to spill my milk. It was truly a sight. Quincy, on the other hand, has recently become mobile. So now when I put him to sit down on his play mat, before I can even turn around, he takes off scooting to the coffee table and tries to pull things down.

Life with these two little guys can get pretty exciting, and I love it, but sometimes feelings of guilt take hold of me and that’s no fun at all.

These feelings surfaced early on in my last pregnancy. For the first time, I had to think about the safety and well-being of not just one child, but two children. Also, I was put on modified bed rest toward the end of my pregnancy, which meant I could no longer pick up my toddler, play hide and seek with him or take him to the park. This was our norm, and because I couldn’t be there for him like I always was there, there were times when I felt like a horrible mother.

It was hard. However, nothing could have prepared me for the guilt I would feel after I gave birth to my second son. One night, while the baby and I were still in the hospital, my husband and I decided it was better for Richie to sleep at home in his own bed instead of at the hospital. But when it was time for my husband to take my son home, I could not hold back the tears. I was overcome with sadness. I balled my eyes out for two hours after they left. I was absolutely in love with my sweet, new baby and enjoyed every moment nursing him, doing skin-to-skin, and cuddling with him, but I just felt so torn – so guilty.

The following are my Top 5 Strategies to Cope With Mom Guilt. I pass them on with hope that they may be of service to you, too:

Top 5 Strategies to Cope With Mom Guilt

1. Remember that you’re not alone.

2. Talk to other moms.

3. Write down your feelings.

4. Share your feelings with your spouse or partner.

5. Schedule “me time.”

I have learned to accept that these feelings of guilt are not going anywhere. But I have also learned that I do have power over these feelings and I can choose how they affect me and my children.

That I do have power over these feelings and I can choose how they affect me and my children.

And so I follow my heart. When I am longing for that new baby smell and I need to snuggle with Quincy, I give Richie an independent activity and I go pick up my baby and bask in his sweetness. And when I want to play a game of tickles with my toddler and hear his infectious laughter, I put the baby down for a moment and have fun with my big boy. Overcoming mom guilt is not easy, but the very best strategy I have found is to remind myself how lucky I am because, despite the guilt, I get to be their mom.