Can we have some real talk about motherhood? Recently, comedian Chelsea Handler received a great deal of backlash after posting a video called “A Day in the Life of a Childless Woman,” on social media. The satirical video shows Handler going about her day as a woman without children. Handler says she “puts on [her] most impractical and stylish shoes since [she] won’t be chasing a child around the grocery store.” She “went to Paris to grab a croissant” just because she could. However, Handler’s humor didn’t sit right with everyone. While the intent of Handler’s video was to show how “free” she feels being a childless woman, countless people took to social media to make claims that she’s “unhappy” or “miserable” for choosing not to have kids. One went as far as to Tweet, “You forgot the part where you cry yourself to sleep alone at night.” Many people felt unsettled by Handler’s clear contentment in not having children but she’s not the only celebrity to be vocal about not having children.
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In a recent episode of “The Mama’s Den” — a Black Love Inc. original podcast) available on the Black Love+ app— the mamas got into how being a mother isn’t for everyone and the struggles that often come with motherhood. The Mama’s Den podcast holds authentic conversations about everything from parenting to culture to personal experiences and sexuality, all from a mama’s perspective. Singer Melanie Fiona, entrepreneur and influencer Felicia La Tour, writer Ashley Chea, and our very own CEO of Black Love, Inc., Codie Elaine Oliver get together every week to share their unfiltered opinions. After seeing Handler’s video, the mamas discussed the backlash and how it certainly isn’t a man’s place to decide whether or not a woman should have children.
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“The reality of being able to decide to take all that on, both for your mental health, your body, your career…all the sacrifices that you have to make, that should be a choice,” Codie said when discussing women deciding whether or not motherhood is for them, “It is a choice in every way.” Melanie, who’s a mother of 2, supported Codie’s stance. “I really do believe it’s not for everybody,” she said, “and everyone should have the choice to decide, whether they’re 21 or 52. Decide what you want from yourself.” From the beginning of the conversation, Melanie’s feelings towards the topic was that being a mother isn’t for everyone. Society has this idea that every woman wants to be a mother, and once they become a mother, off the bat, they’re gonna know what to do, which isn’t the reality of the situation.
For some women, motherhood doesn’t come naturally. “You’re expected to have this pressure of ‘Okay, I’m gonna be a mom, and it’s gonna click,’ and it just doesn’t, and sometimes you spend your whole life just trying to make it click, and it doesn’t. Sometimes you need help, and sometimes other people raise your kids because it doesn’t [click], and then you’re viewed as a bad mom. I truly believe it’s not for everyone…it’s unfair to assume that women have this natural thing that clicks up and makes them into a functional and capable mother.” Felicia, who’s also a mother of two admitted to feeling this pressure that so many women feel of automatically knowing what to do. “I just felt so overwhelmed because I think I was putting so much pressure on myself that it wasn’t coming naturally,” Felicia said. It wasn’t until later in her journey of motherhood that Felicia came to the realization that “being a mom is a practice.” “We can have motherly instincts, or you know how to take care of something, but to be a mom, it came naturally after practice.”
The motherhood experience isn’t as linear as it may appear. There are peaks and valleys, and sometimes you’ll be going through it more than usual. Codie admits that “there’s different seasons. Everybody’s not gonna thrive in every season.” Some days, you’re gonna like your kid more than usual, and other times you’re gonna realize you’ve just about had enough. For Ashley, she realized that ages 4-7 are her favorite. “It’s a beautiful age where they start to get out of that crazy behavior, start to communicate more, they’re just fun. You get to see this is a person with their own thoughts and feelings. And before they’re crying and whining and throwing themself on the floor, and it’s like, ‘I love you, but you’re f*cking annoying.’ It’s a dance of them being hella annoying, but you’re madly in love with them.”
No matter what your decision is, we don’t exist just to be mothers. We exist as women on this earth to experience love, life, happiness, and for many women — part of that happiness is motherhood. It’s an experience like no other, but not desiring it doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you a selfish person, it makes you a person that has a choice to design your life the way you want. What’s most important is respecting a woman’s choice and not feeling entitled enough to tell them what’s right for them and what they should or shouldn’t do with their bodies.
For more, listen to the full conversation on Black Love’s podcast The Mama’s Den.
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