Mother’s Day might be over, but “The Mama’s Den” is supporting mothers 365 — with a twist for May! “The Mama’s Den” is becoming “The Grandmama’s Den” all month long! Every Monday, they have a new grandmama dropping gems on parenting, grand-parenting, and all the joys and struggles that come with it. Mama Renee aka Suga gets real about what it was like raising Codie after her divorce! The following week, Mama Lori discusses differences in how she parented Felicia and how Felicia has grown to parent her own kids; Ashley and Mama Laura open up about how losing a sibling/daughter affected their relationship; and Melanie lets us know that Mama Donna’s discipline growing up was actually a blessing in disguise. While you tune in for those moments, we’re sharing some things we learned from the mamas of The Mama’s Den that we all can apply to life and motherhood.
Truth: Yelling Can Traumatize Your Children
Mama Donna’s biggest regret when parenting is raising her voice at her kids. “I’m really surprised I was such a yeller because I did not like to be yelled at,” she said. “When my parents would yell at me, I would go into a corner and cry, and they would know that I would cry. But I did the same thing to my kids.”
It’s up to you to break the cycle. Kids who grow up around lots of yelling and seeing their parents yell at each other learn to yell for the sake of yelling when they’re older. Learn your triggers so you know what makes you snap and raise your voice, and think about your inner child and what you experienced growing up. If you didn’t appreciate being treated a certain way as a child, why do the same?
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Give Them the Whole Bid
Kids need discipline whether or not they like it. If we don’t discipline our children, we’re failing them. When you have a kid, you choose to bring a child onto this Earth. They didn’t ask for this, kids need their parents to guide them. It’s a parent’s responsibility to make their kids good human beings and one of the biggest ways to do this is discipline. This doesn’t mean you gotta spank your child whenever they act out, but correct their behavior so they know to manage their behavior and have a healthy development.
Be consistent with discipline. If you say they’re grounded for seven days, they’re grounded for seven days. Period. Don’t let up and let them off the hook just because they had good behavior for four days straight. Mama Donna advocates that you shouldn’t let kids off for good behavior “stay form and have them do the whole bid.”
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Discipline is not an easy gig. It takes time and patience, but in the end, it sets expectations for their behavior that they’ll carry into their adult life. For Melanie, growing up, she thought her mom was tough and wouldn’t give in, but it taught her quickly “that if you get the grace in life, you better receive it and you better be grateful because you’re not always going to get it.”
“Growing up, I always thought twice about the decisions I was making because I knew there were consequences to my actions,” Melanie admits, “whether that was from my family, whether that was from the law, whether that was from how my decisions affected other people.”
Invest the time, effort, and energy needed into making sure your kids grow up with a sense of direction and self-accountability.
Figure Out a Balance That Works for You
Parenting is a full-time job in itself on top of already having a day-to-day job. The only difference is you don’t get to clock out of parenting. It’s an everyday, around-the-clock, 24/7 responsibility. It can feel impossible trying to find time to split your home and work responsibilities, however, it’s essential to be mindful of your time and obligations to make sure you keep a presence in your kid’s life.
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When Codie was growing up, Mama Renee was a full-time lawyer averaging hundreds at all times. She worked during the day and was further out from where they lived, so she couldn’t always make it to Codie’s activities in the middle of the day. However, she made sure she was at all the activities and events after work. Mamas, it’s possible to be dedicated to your work and be an involved parent. You don’t have to make every recital or game, but if you’re efficient with your time and figure out what works for you and what doesn’t, you can find a way to maintain a healthy presence in all areas of your life, When you have a balance in your life, you have the chance to be the best parent you can be.
Teach Your Kids Independence, Autonomy, and Agency
It’s important to give your child independence so that they have a sense of importance and personal autonomy growing up. When Felicia was around six or seven, she started taking showers by herself and got to a point where she told her parents she didn’t want them looking at her body. At the time, Mama Lori would wash her hair in the shower. Mama Lauri respected Felicia’s wishes, regardless of her age, and made changes so that Felicia would feel comfortable. She started washing her hair in the sink or would have her put a bikini on.
When it came time that Felicia had her two kids, she carried her mother’s lesson of independence into her parenting. Felicia lets her four and eight-year-olds help put the dishes in the dishwasher and teaches them to push in their chair because she wants them “to model that when they go to other people’s homes.”
Your Children Can Teach You How to Be a Better Parent
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Mama Lori kept it real when she praised Felicia for the patience that she has with her children and admitted that she didn’t have the same patience with her children when she was raising them. As parents, we can teach our parents a thing or two through how we live, and how we parent our children. This moment showed us how beautiful it was for Felicia and Mama Lori to experience a moment of motherhood reflection through Felicia’s parenting, proving that in some instances, it’s never too late to get it right.
We hope that you enjoyed these moments from the mamas of The Mama’s Den! Download the Black Love+ app to listen to The Mama’s Den as well as our other original podcasts!
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