Certified intimacy educator Shan Boodram (Photo courtesy of Shan Boodram)
“Let’s talk about sex, baby!” Do you remember when speaking openly about sexual wellness and reproductive health issues were met with resistance and a negative connotation, especially for women? But times have changed, and one of the leading women front and center steering these types of conversations is Shan Boodram, a certified intimacy educator. For nearly a decade, the 35-year-old has been charting new territory by educating, enlightening, and empowering women in all stages of their lives to fully embrace their sexuality.
“As women, there are so many responsibilities naturally bestowed upon us. I wish more women knew being sexually confident is their right. It is their destiny, and I wish they knew if they’re not interested, that’s also their right and destiny. To me, your sexuality is a place of complete self-indulgence, or at least it should be,” the new mom-to-be shared.
Honestly, it has personally taken me a while to unravel some of the myths or misconceptions I associated with sex education and sexual well-being from early on. Ladies, it’s time to keep it real, we’re all sexual beings, so there’s no need to feel sexual shame. In hindsight, I wish my parents would have spoken more candidly with me about sex growing up. Perhaps avoiding the discussion altogether is what led me on my nine-year celibacy journey (but that’s another topic for another day).
Getting to a place of sex positivity or sexual confidence is a pit stop, not an end destination.
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This is why shows like Sexology with Shan Boodram are both necessary and needed — serving as an information hub and safe space to answer all of your questions in a non-judgmental environment while ridding the shame and fear of having healthy dialogues about all things sex-related. Aside from the pleasuring factor, there are many health benefits associated as well.
“If you Google the benefits of orgasm, sexual or intimate contact, which induces the promotion of oxytocin, or read the health benefits alone, it’s like asking, ‘Why is it important to have a healthy diet?’ And then you read more, and you realize, ‘You’re going to have decreased stress levels, you’re going to sleep better, and have better blood circulation. You’re also going to look younger for longer because you’re releasing certain chemicals and hormones that produce DHA, which keeps your skin glowing,'” said the Toronto native.
So whether you’re a teen, young adult, 35, or 75, there is and will always be a lot to learn and many discussions involving ways to build a sense of emotional and sexual intimacy either solo or partnered. BlackLove.com had a chance to chat with the relationship expert on-on-one (and virtually, of course) about everything from love, dating, and why women in different spaces and life stages need to have a healthy sexual appetite.
BlackLove.com: Can you speak to your experience of being a woman navigating this space of sex positivity and sexual wellness?
Shan Boodram:There’s a lot I still have to learn. I say this as somebody who’s been in this space for over a decade. There’s so much information that’s constantly being divulged and discovered, and so many advancements are always happening. As a woman, it’s something I can’t take for granted. I’m pregnant right now, so the changes in my body and seeing how this change has impacted my sexuality have also been a massive learning curve. Giving myself grace not to have all of the answers has been really big for me. It’s probably where we all are to some degree. As women, we tend to feel like we’re supposed to be the rocks and the providers in the safe space, and we’re supposed to know it all, especially when it comes to our bodies. It’s okay if you don’t.
I wish more women knew being sexually confident is their right.
It’s okay if you’re figuring things out, and it’s okay to be surprised sometimes. That’s part of the joy of our sexuality! It is not stagnant because it is ever-changing and ever-evolving, just like us. Don’t feel ashamed if you feel like a teenager all over again. It’s happened to me a million different times. Getting to a place of sex positivity or sexual confidence is a pit stop, not an end destination.
There’s no possible way I’m ever going to get enough knowledge to say, “I don’t need anymore. I’m now sexually educated, and I’m completely confident.” The second I get to that place, there will be a new change in my body or a new change in the world. Then I’m going to have to start pursuing this vocation or knowledge all over again.
BL.com: How can women learn to focus on building rich sexual lives?
Couple laying in bed (Photo courtesy of CreateHerStock.com)
SB: I think it’s important to think about the ways you build something rich in anything else. If you wanted to build finances, your cooking skills, or if you wanted to build your ass, you know there is a systematic process, and there is a devotion that has to take place. It’s not going to happen overnight. It’s very interesting when we think about becoming exceptional lovers or becoming great in the bedroom, we think about it in a very siloed way where we forget the path to mastery is the same for everything else.
You have to devote time to it and invest in the help of experts. You have to read about it. You have to practice in a low-risk environment and put yourself in positions to challenge your thoughts to adopt some new behaviors. You have to fail sometimes as well too. If you do that, you’re going to become an expert at anything, whether it’s cooking rice or going on an incredible first date. There’s so much to learn and discuss. This is not one book or one intention that you set.
It is a lifelong devotion to become exceptional at something that will enhance every area of your life. It’s a lot of work, but I’m telling you the payoff is massive! When you devote your time and energy to becoming the best intimate partner to yourself and others, you will see the positive benefits, but you also have to be willing to put in the work.
BL.com: Why do you think talking about sex and sexuality is still taboo for many cultural communities?
SB:It’s taboo because of fear. Again, it’s interesting how the sex world is siloed off. If you want your kids to make informed decisions about anything, you inform them, but when it comes to sex, if you want them to make informed and healthy decisions, you hide it from them and oppress knowledge. Because you feel, by mentioning it, they’re going to say, “Oh my gosh, amazing. I’m going to go ahead and do that.” Versus, “Wow, now I get to form a perspective on what I think is best for me based on the knowledge I may not have through lived experience. And I feel more prepared to be better to myself and better out there as a sexual individual because of these conversations.”
BL.com: Let’s talk about communication in the bedroom. If your partner’s sexual performance isn’t meeting your needs, how do you communicate this without hurting their feelings?
SB:There’s the yuck way of saying, “You’re boring, and your missionary stroke game is boring to me.” Or there is the yum way of saying, “That one time when you tossed me over onto my stomach, with my ass in the air and you were thrusting so deep was the hottest thing. I love that position.”
We can communicate with our partners what we don’t want them to do by highlighting the things we enjoy doing with them in the bedroom. Also, it is 2020, so use the tools at your disposal and to your advantage. Porn is great for giving ideas to somebody and illustrating what you would like to have done to you. Again, we have to remember this is an area some people’s parents didn’t bring to them until they were 20-years-old and didn’t think about it until then because of the shame around it and the lack of prioritization.
Not everybody is an amateur porn star. So you may have to be your partner’s first sexual educator. You might be the first person to bring them out of their comfort zone. There are a lot of people who haven’t gotten a lot of guidance in this space. Your partner might need you to be that person for them.
BL.com: What are three ways people can connect or reconnect with themselves emotionally and sexually during quarantine?
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SB: The first way is to ask yourself the questions you may have overlooked for a while, such as what turns me on, what turns me off, and what gets me off. Clarifying the language around those questions can unlock a lot of secrets in terms of what’s going to make your sex life better.
Number two, I think it’s important to ask yourself about effective coping strategies during this time. For a lot of people, sex is self-care. Finding other alternative ways to cope with stress is just as valuable, and seeing if sex or self-masturbation feels like a natural part of that, great. And if it doesn’t, give yourself grace and space for that also to be okay.
Lastly, this has been the year people have purchased new sex toys. It has been the year people have tried something new sexually. If you’re a part of that try something different crew, that’s awesome, and you’re not alone! Dive into that space and start asking your friends for ideas and inspiration. I think a lot of us are on this journey together. That’s the beauty and great part of it that we can lean on each other for support. We can create a new culture around talking about sex and intimacy by leaning into what matters most to us during this time.
Be sure to check out Sexology with Shan Boodram now streaming exclusively on Quibi.
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