Rediscovering Our Love Language: How We Leveled Up Our Relationship With Weekly Check-Ins

The two and a half-hour drive from San Diego back to LA couldn’t have felt longer. There was no fight, no incident, no moment in particular that I could point to, but things between us were off, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My silence reverberated through my Honda louder than the Khalid song that bumped in my speakers. “Can we just talk?” Khalid sang, taunting me. If only it were that easy.

The problem wasn’t WHAT I would say; I’d been playing that conversation out in my head nonstop for a week. The problem was WHEN. There’s never a good time to ruin a perfectly good day with a tough conversation. Everyone says communication is key, but they don’t warn you about the awkwardness of crying over your chicken in the middle of a dinner date. Of course, that last glass of wine said it was the perfect time to bring up the fact I’ve been feeling insecure in the relationship.

Related: How to Build a Foundation for Love

I’m the type of woman who needs words of affirmation in a relationship. When the newness and excitement of our relationship started to wear off, so did the amount of affirmations my boyfriend gave me, which left me in my feelings. Both unloved and insecure. It took an emotional night and one long silent drive home before we got to the bottom of it.

It turns out this was all a pretty easy fix. The solution: Affirm ME More. And just like that, we were back in the groove of things. Back at one. With the problem officially resolved. Tada!

But was that the real issue? When my boyfriend and I began to dissect everything, we realized the root of the matter. I’d been simmering deep in these feelings for quite a while. With each passing day, the emotions became progressively worse. Whenever he walked into the room, I analyzed his every move through a lens of insecurity. 

“He didn’t really seem as happy to see me as he used to. Why doesn’t he want to hold my hand? We used to talk all night, and now he just sits on Twitter.” 

Every little thing he did, I twisted into this narrative I created. By the time I was able to communicate how I felt, it was blown entirely out of proportion. My very solution-oriented boyfriend walks away from every argument with a question. “What can we do so that this doesn’t happen again?” 

It’s thoughtful, caring, and reflective questions like these that make me quickly forget why I was ever mad at him in the first place. There is never an easy time to say something complicated. But the time to work on your relationship shouldn’t only be when things are going wrong. Also, when they’re going well! So, like all essential occurrences in our daily lives, we told Siri to remind us.

“Hey Siri, set a Thursday reminder to check-in on my relationship.”

“OK, your reminder is set.” (Siri’s voice) 

Now Thursdays are our “check-in” days. We turn off Netflix, we put down our phones, and we take time to answer the question: “How is our relationship going honestly?”

Sometimes there are difficult things to discuss. But what I’ve noticed is that much more often, this check-in time serves as an opportunity for us to reflect on why we love each other, why we’re thankful for each other, and, most importantly, how we can better tailor our love for one another. No one wants a one size fits all type of love. We want a high-end, bespoke kind of love, stitched with intention, and an immense amount of care. What started as an opportunity to air out our problems turned into a space that has prevented many issues from arising and happening all-together.

 Thursdays are our days to build; to stack the brick and the mortar that will hopefully become a long, healthy foundation for marriage. Thursdays are our days to connect; to lace the walls with wires that will keep our connection bright and warm. It is our day to grow and build the stairs that lead to new levels of love and family. I believe if we create our relationship with strong materials when the winds and rains come, we will not falter but stand the test of time.