The two and a half-hour drive from San Diego back to LA couldn’t have felt longer. There was no fight, no incident, no moment in particular that I could point to, but things between us were off, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My silence reverberated through my Honda louder than the Khalid song that bumped in my speakers. “Can we just talk?” Khalid sang, taunting me. If only it were that easy.
The problem wasn’t WHAT I would say; I’d been playing that conversation out in my head nonstop for a week. The problem was WHEN. There’s never a good time to ruin a perfectly good day with a tough conversation. Everyone says communication is key, but they don’t warn you about the awkwardness of crying over your chicken in the middle of a dinner date. Of course, that last glass of wine said it was the perfect time to bring up the fact I’ve been feeling insecure in the relationship.
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“I feel you don’t love me as you used to,” I blubbered through stained wine teeth. It wasn’t the time, place, or the words that I wanted to say. I hid my face from our server, who insisted on keeping our water glasses filled to the brim, appearing at our table what felt like every two seconds.
I’m the type of woman who needs words of affirmation in a relationship. When the newness and excitement of our relationship started to wear off, so did the amount of affirmations my boyfriend gave me, which left me in my feelings. Both unloved and insecure. It took an emotional night and one long silent drive home before we got to the bottom of it.