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One statement, spoken numerous times by the panel, was that as women from the South, they were groomed for marriage. As a Florida-born and bred Black woman, I immediately began to reflect on how this idea may also ring true for me, and how it may have impacted my decisions. A bride of nearly a decade, I recognize the influence of Southern communities and churches and how they played a pivotal role in my life by reinforcing the significance of marriage through sermons, social events, and community expectations. It instilled a sense of duty to uphold these values, and pushed the narrative that completion is derived from being joined at the altar.
If Black women from the South and Black women overall are groomed with high expectations of becoming wives, does that rob us of an opportunity to approach the process with more patience, grace, and flexibility? What impact could this grooming have on a woman’s psyche, sense of self-worth, and her perception of success? If there was less emphasis placed on traditional gender roles and marriage as the sole measure of success, would I be more open-minded? If I had prioritized my career development, focusing on personal growth before entering marital commitments, would I have chosen a different partner? If I believed I was allowed to be more independent and self-reliant, would it have resulted in a different life trajectory? Despite my self-probing, I settled on the fact I’m here now, and my inner dialogue doesn’t matter as much today as it would have 20 years ago.
While I’ve never been referred to as a “Southern Belle,” it’s a catchy phrase thrown around in the region to identify women from Southern states that place cultural emphasis on the institution of marriage. Marriage is seen as a cornerstone of family life, and young girls are often raised with a strong awareness of these expectations. Koereyelle Mallard, award-winning podcast host of “Girl Stop Playing,” stated that she desired to be married by 25 years old while Black Love Founder Codie Elaine Oliver, said she was concerned when she was still unwed at the age of 22. Both were very young by any standard, but their desire was cultivated by their environment.
The South may exert social pressure, consciously or unconsciously, on women to conform to societal norms, including marriage. This can lead to higher expectations and less patience in the pursuit of a marital partner. However, on the opposite end of this spectrum is Actress KJ Smith, who enjoyed her season of singleness and chose to “travel the world and have a great time.” She is most recently married, having only tied the knot two months before the summit, and advises women to start studying themselves and find comfort in their own company. “Nothing was bringing me happiness and I had to find my happy,” KJ said. She challenged women in the audience to enjoy their singleness because “you attract how you feel.”
“I would not have found my soul mate if I had not done the soul work.” –KJ Smith
While many may witness successful and loving marriages within their families and communities, which serve as inspirational examples, Egypt Sherrod, real estate TV host, author, and speaker, faced the exact opposite and never thought she would marry. “I had seen too much and hurt too much,” she said. And the head nods that swept across the room in that moment indicated that she was not alone.
Egypt shared that at the age of 25, she created a vision board depicting her dream wedding, which even included dialogue they would share, but she soon recognized that she was trying to force it. “It was making me sick.”
Ultimately, Egypt met her husband at the age of 27, and held the longest-standing marriage on the panel. While she waited, she was doing things to fall in love with herself and healing. “I was ready for whatever the world was ready to give me.” And on her special day, she realized she had manifested exactly what had been placed on her vision board years earlier. “Set intentions, let it go, and trust God,” she advises.
It’s essential to remember that individual choices vary, and the approach to marriage is influenced by a combination of cultural, social, and personal factors. While cultural expectations and regional influences can shape attitudes towards marriage, each woman’s journey to matrimony remains uniquely her own.
Finally Married, and Then What
If you’re like author and wellness influencer Shelah Marie, the simple joy of marriage includes “very mundane things like sitting with him quietly.” Or, if you’re Codie, you would prefer to lay on the couch and “watch something” or, more specifically, Netflix and chill like Egypt and her beau. In all, the women agreed with Koereyelle and simply appreciated doing life with their best friend.
While the women’s reflections on quality time with their male counterparts were cute and all, an audience member stood boldly towards the end of the segment and asked how the women found joy independent of their marriage. And Egypt, with her lengthy experience, offered this nugget: Be proactive and keep the dates with yourself. Spend time with your girls. Create a gratitude journal by writing five things you’re grateful for each morning. And continue to cultivate new relationships.
“Marriage is work, but it’s the work you’re required to do on yourself.” –Codie Oliver
Perfect relationships do not exist, but good relationships do. There may be some battles and uphill climbs along the way, but when it comes to conflict, Shelah discovered that “the top complaints you have about your partner is a reflection of what you need to work on within yourself.” In other words, the couple will become mirrors of each other, reflecting to their partner a glimpse into a reality they may not want to face. This is where grace and compassion are built and where healing begins.
In the same vein, KJ stressed the importance of an ego-less existence and advised that couples “speak from the purest place possible.” While I wholeheartedly agree, it is my belief that addressing the ego is inner work that should be initiated prior to nuptials, otherwise a couple may be in for a long, bumpy ride. However, if a couple can complement each other, as Egypt suggests, and acknowledge the other’s strengths, they can better rely on their partner without feeling the need to compete or to be right. This leads to instant ego death and what could be the makings of unconditional love.
“My husband does not hate on me and wants the best for me, so I listen to him.” –Koereyelle Mallard
Peace and patience for the process should be the focus for single and married women alike. However, it is important to respect and celebrate the diversity of our experiences, recognizing that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to marriage. Ultimately, the decision to marry, and the timing of that decision should be a personal one, driven by individual aspirations, values, and circumstances. Ultimately, we must all understand that the journey to becoming happily wed pales in comparison to the road to remaining happily wed. I’m grateful that Black Love Inc. provides insight, positive perspective, and wisdom to help make the journey as smooth as possible for those of us who choose to believe that marriage still works.
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