Advice for Married Couples When Arguments Arise: Attack the Issue — Not Each Other
by Raquelle Harris
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October 17, 2023

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Advice for Married Couples When Arguments Arise: Attack the Issue — Not Each Other

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Fighting fair is an oxymoron because sometimes, all is not fair in love, which can lead to war. When my husband and I fight, it’s likely because one of us is being unfair to the other or one of us is selfishly stuck in how we feel about an unfair situation. This makes fighting fair a constant challenge, but as our relationship continues to mature, we keep practicing how to do and be better when fighting. The three couples on Season 5, Episode 3 of Black Love’s “Couch Conversations— Ace Hood and Shelah, Heather and Cornelius, and Kwaku and Sybil — remind me of five practices Ben and I try to use when we fight. One of our biggest lessons is that it’s trial and error; more times than not, we have to dust ourselves off and try again, and again, and again, and again.

Advice for Married Couples When Arguments Arise
Couch Conversations Season 5, Episode 3

Progress is a Process  

Many issues take time to resolve because each of us processes what is happening, how we feel, and what we should say or do, during an argument at a different pace than our significant other. As an empath, I want to move past the pain quickly, eager to ease whatever discomfort I sense from Ben. Patience is a repetitive lesson for me, so I have to be careful with my overbearing tendencies, which cause misunderstandings to escalate. The adage, “Trust the process,” comes to mind. When Ben and I argue, it oftentimes helps for us to have some time apart and then come back together for a discussion that validates our respective positions, even if we don’t agree. Work in progress is a recurring theme as I learn to relinquish control of how my husband responds and regain control of myself.

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Advice for Married Couples When Arguments Arise
Raquelle Harris and her husband on their wedding day (Courtesy of Raquelle Harris)

Attack the Problem

When egos flair during conflict, we end up attacking each other’s character instead of the real issue. It’s sad the amount of times Ben and I can’t recall how or why we started arguing. Eventually, we remember to attack the situation instead of each other. Stepping back and refocusing on the actual issue instead of our emotions helps for us to communicate effectively as we peel back the layers, examine, evaluate, and attack the problem as a team. It’s important to avoid tangents and rehashing the past so as live in the present and move toward our future together. 

Be Accountable 

Marriage is a mirror that reflects our baggage, flaws, and insecurities, so we have to own our part in the trials and tribulations. Be accountable for how you show up in your relationship. Be proactive instead of reactive. I am a boss, but I can also be a baby who has to accept responsibility for when my immaturity causes conflict. Another part of accountability is swallowing your pride and taking one for the team in the name of peace. Even if you don’t believe you were wrong, sometimes a sincere apology without justification of your actions opens the door for reconciliation.

Advice for Married Couples When Arguments Arise
Courtesy of Raquelle Harris

Consider Compassion 

Behavior is communication. When your mate is acting different, it may mean they are struggling with something. I’ve learned when Ben is agitated, it’s not always related to me. Baggage from past relationships or trauma experienced during our childhood manifests in our relationship as poor communication and coping skills. Compassion for each other as we fight our demons has taught us to be vulnerable and lean on each other for support. I sometimes have to check myself and remember that my husband is an alpha male who is also human. He has fears doubts, and will make mistakes. As his wife, he deserves for me to take a step back and grant him grace when the devil threatens our peace. Seek to understand your mate’s intentions to determine if they are malicious or misplaced/misunderstood.

Keep Showing Up 

If lean-in and labor for love was a movement, it would be marriage. Fighting fair means you keep showing up; fighting for, instead of against each other. Keep doing the work on yourself as an individual and collectively as a couple. Like anything else of value, relationships require commitment, diligence, and intentional work, in order to thrive. Your grass can be greener with consistent care and attention. Two people coming together as one, and choosing each other daily is bound to involve conflict; storms will come, and eventually, the rain stops as the dark clouds clear and a new day dawns. While Ben and I debate often, we agree that we will keep showing up to our marriage and taking it one day at a time.

Season 5 of “Couch Conversations” is available to stream on the Black Love+ App. Learn more about each couple and watch Episode 3 here!

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