Advice for Newlyweds From a Couples Therapist: Commitment is an Active Choice
by Stacy Cesar
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February 9, 2022

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Advice for Newlyweds From a Couples Therapist: Commitment is an Active Choice

Advice for Newlyweds From a Couples Therapist: Commitment is an Active Choice
Courtesy of Stacy Cesar

What do you think of when you hear the word commitment? There’s a reason we are drawn to the movies and the shows and the songs about love. If you’re anything like me, you love a great love story, whether fictional or real. So with so much of our music, TV shows, and movies dedicated to love, it’s hard not to believe in it. But there is one thing that we forget when we think of love in relationships and marriage and even friendships. If you haven’t guessed, it by now it’s something that’s called commitment. 

It’s important to know that commitment can look and feel different to different people, for example, you may be committed to a monogamous relationship (meaning you’re only dating each other), or you may decide that an open relationship is a better fit for you (meaning you’re both free also to date other people). Whether you’re committed to one or many being committed is saying yes to another for the long run and doing what it takes to make the relationship work. 

As a therapist, many couples come into my office seeking help around many things such as communication, conflict resolution, expectations, infidelity, etc. One important way that I was able to determine whether or not a couple would succeed in therapy is the level of commitment from each partner. Often couples are at their limit by the time they are walking into therapy, so it’s not unusual to see one partner maybe more committed and ready to put in additional work to make it work but the other partner not so much. For couple’s therapy to be effective, both partners have to be committed to the process and willing to do the work. I use a variety of techniques and tools in my therapeutic process with my clients and couples, but many of my resources come from Dr. John Gottman. Dr. John Gottman is famously known for his work on marital stability and divorce predictions. He conducted over 40 years of research in which he was able to predict which couples would eventually divorce with a 93.6% accuracy. In my experience in working with couples, I believe there are three reasons people remain committed beyond the feeling good phase. 

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3 Reasons Why People Stay Committed Beyond the Honeymoon Phase: 

  1. Values/Faith 
  2. Advice for Newlyweds From a Couples Therapist: Commitment is an Active Choice
    Couch Conversations Season 3, Ep. 1 with hosts Tabitha & Chance Brown and guests MAJOR & Nichelle

    Core values in a relationship are guiding beliefs that direct your words and actions about yourself, other individuals, and the world around you. Your core values are the foundation of how you live your life, when we don’t act in accordance with our core beliefs, we feel we are betraying the essence of who we are. Core values guide our decision from how we spend free time to how we want to raise our kids. The more core values you share in your marriage the easier it is to manage conflict in the relationship. People who value commitment are skilled in managing relationships, especially in the area of interpersonal effectiveness, conflict management, building bonds, building trust, teamwork and collaboration. Similar to values, people who were raised with a background of faith learn through the teaching of their beliefs core values such as discipline, faithfulness, gratitude, forgiveness, and commitment. Learning these core values early on equips an individual with what it means to fully commit to someone or being even after the honeymoon phase passes.  

  3. Managing Expectations 
  4. Even with the same values and/or faith systems, we hold underlying expectations of our partners guided by our own world view and past experiences. Oftentimes we carry these expectations unknowingly and try to confirm our partners into said ideas. In my work with couples I frequently encounter individuals that have built an idea/expectation of what their partner should be or how they should respond in a given disagreement. This prevents individuals from really seeing their partners. When we release control of what we expect our partners to be we, in turn, create a safe space for our partners to be vulnerable and grow. This creates an atmosphere for commitment to cultivate and last through the honeymoon/newlywed stage.  

  5. Prioritize the Relationship in All Phases 

Last but certainly not least, prioritizing the marriage/relationship through all the various stages. The marriage/relationship will go through many stages like the honeymoon phase, the newlywed phase, the settling in/settling down phase, etc.  through each phase it is important to prioritize each other. You probably have heard a lot of advice during this period such as continue to date each other (date nights), make sure to continue to do the small meaningful things, plan surprises for each other, etc. Couples will have to manage many different roles as their relationships evolve through the many phases making sure to prioritize intentionally checking in on each other at the desired frequency. When couples prioritize the relationship they are actively taking actionable steps to commit to each other and saying “I choose you even when the world/others demands this of me”. 

Advice for Newlyweds From a Couples Therapist: Commitment is an Active Choice
Couch Conversations Season 3, Ep. 1 with hosts Tabitha & Chance Brown and guests MAJOR & Nichelle and Karen & Miles

Watching “Couch Conversations'” Newlyweds episode, I was so happy to see Miles and Karen discuss making it through their first year of marriage. As a “Married at First Sight” superfan, I remember watching Karen and Miles’ season and watching the difficult time they had navigating this new marriage with a stranger all while being filmed. Now of course we only got to see edited clips of their interactions, so there are many things behind the camera that are happening including fights, arguments, happy moments, etc. Nonetheless, I loved seeing this vulnerable moment Karen had with Miles as she looked onto her husband and discussed her struggle with her anxiety not only during the show but even after and not having the space to just talk about that to anyone else but him. Karen said an important thing here “having someone in my darkest moment having someone be there for me and be present” I believe Karen described a moment of being seen, seen for who she is and in a moment where she felt vulnerable miles created that safe space for her to land. Additionally, I picked up on their positive body language displayed throughout the conversation. I noticed Major looking back to his wife as she talked facing her and checking in with her every time he talked. I noticed the couples sitting close together and hand placement on laps and in each other’s hands. These positive body languages indicate happiness, attractiveness, fondness, etc. mirroring each other’s moves is considered the body language of couples in love. The couples dropped some wonderful gems on what they experienced during their marriage and the things they learned not only about themselves but about their partner so far. 

Much like Tabitha suggested the couples, it’s my hope that any couple in the honeymoon phase continues to see each other and to choose each other. Ultimately, commitment is an active choice that an individual makes daily in a relationship/marriage. Commitment will take you well beyond the newlywed and honeymoon phase. When the fuzzy feeling fades, commitment remains and it’s up to you on how much work you want to put into it.

Binge the entire season of Couch Conversations on the Black Love+ App or watch episodes weekly on YouTube.

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