Dating With a Mental Illness Diagnosis
by Nahshima Porter
SHARE ARTICLE
LEFT TO READ

minutes

PUBLISHED ON

October 10, 2023

ARTICLE LENGTH

10 Minute Read

SHARE ARTICLE
CONTRIBUTOR

Dating With a Mental Illness Diagnosis

Trigger warning: This article discusses thoughts of suicide, mental health awareness, mental illness, and depression. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, and today a contributor to BlackLove.com is sharing her story of her bravery to love while battling a mental illness and thoughts of suicide. If you are struggling with suicide or depression, know that you are not alone and there is help available. If you need immediate assistance, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline available 24 hours.

Nahshima Porter (Courtesy of Nahshima Porter)

My last suicide attempt was in May of 2018. I was admitted to the psychiatric ward for what seemed like weeks, but it was actually four days. I met my fiancé a month prior; he was my Uber driver, and up until then, we did not have consistent communication. In fact, I had been leaving him on “read,” fed up with the dating world. I explain this because what set him apart from my other suitors was the numerous contact attempts he made — unknowing that I had no access to a phone — while I was hospitalized. This man did not even know my full name but offered to visit me when I explained why I was MIA. He didn’t ask why I was in the ER, nor did he pry for extra details; all he asked was where and when I needed him. I didn’t have access to my phone for long, but I made sure I replied to him. Once I was released, we began seeing each other more frequently until I finally accepted his offer for a date. We fell for each other quickly, and I remember telling him early on about my depression and anxiety disorder. I asked him if he would stick by me despite my mental illnesses; he accepted the challenge, and to this day, he has kept his promise. 

BlackLove.com Related Articles:
How Therapy Changed My Life
For the Brothers: Mental Health Communities Black Men Should Follow
Dr. Ally on Forgiving Your Parents, Partnerships, and Reparenting Your Inner Child

I would imagine it’s hard loving someone with depression; honestly, I find it hard to even like myself most days. I don’t think my husband fully understood how difficult it would be to date someone with a diagnosis. He made a lot of mistakes and assumptions based on his own comprehension of depression. I don’t blame him; many people believe depression can only be a short-term feeling typically initiated by a traumatic event — like losing a job, experiencing a death, or going through a break-up. These are typically some scenarios where most people experience depression.

Clinical depression is different. It is long-term, sometimes sudden, and the feelings can come unwarranted and unprovoked. It could be having two “good” days followed by a plague of indescribable sadness and not even knowing why you are down. It is trying countless medications, enduring gruesome side effects, in an attempt to feel whole again. It is exploring many therapy modalities in hopes you finally find your happiness, only to be let down when you realize suicidal thoughts don’t stop. It is wanting to be close to loved ones but not wanting to burden them with your sadness. It is wearing a mask, plastering on a fake smile, and taking on a “happy” persona because let’s be honest — society hates depressed people. It is not being able to eat, sleep, get out of bed, or complete simple tasks and then hating yourself for being unproductive. It is wanting to “fix” yourself but having absolutely no motivation to do it. It is being told “it will be okay” when you’ve been in a constant battle for over a decade with no long-term relief. It is society telling you “you’re dramatic” and “it’s all in your head.” It’s opening up to someone and being told, “some people have it way worse” rather than empathizing with the notion that this may be your worst. Because of the stigma and common misconceptions surrounding depression, it can be difficult for others to understand. 

Nahshima Porter and her husband (Courtesy of Nahshima Porter)

That said, my husband wasn’t always the most supportive or resourceful. It took a lot of patience, tears, compromise, and compassion to get here; so although it can be difficult, it is never impossible to find love while surviving a mental health disorder. It required him being willing to learn and understand what it means for me to be clinically depressed. He had to do away with biases and assumptions. Through trial and error, he figured out how to best show up for me during my depressive episodes. I had to understand that a coping mechanism for him was walking away and giving me space. He had to understand that for me, his actions triggered a trauma response. My husband doesn’t leave me alone anymore. He is present. And I can dissociate my abandonment issues from him wanting space for his mental/emotional well-being. I respect those boundaries because his mental health matters too. In order for our expectations of each other to align, we had to work as a team.

Nahshima Porter and her husband (Courtesy of Nahshima Porter)

I’d like to take a moment to appreciate my husband for the sacrifices he’s made, the unconditional love he’s bestowed upon me, and the hands he held me up with through my hardest times. After losing a job due to stress and my mental health back in 2022, I also lost my health insurance and couldn’t afford my meds. It was a tough time for our household. I had several breakdowns and was severely suicidal for months. Once I finally found another job and got into a better space,  my husband joined the Air Force to ensure I’d never be without medical insurance again. He wanted to know I’d always be taken care of especially since we have a child together. Within a month, we went from engaged to married and, within 6 months we moved and started a new life as an Air Force family. This is just one of the many ways he has shown me how selfless he is. For that, I am eternally grateful. He could have easily left, been with someone less complicated but he never let my diagnosis overshadow his love for me. He reaches out to my parents every single time he’s even the slightest bit worried about me. He has left work when I needed him. He has held me when I cried, wiped my tears, and reassured me countless times that he will not leave. For the first time, I feel truly loved — depression and all. 

To those of you out there with a diagnosis, unsure if you are worthy of love — I am here to tell you, you are enough. You will find a partner who will honor you, support you, and love you through it all. Do not settle.   

If you are struggling with suicide or depression, know that you are not alone and there is help available. If you need immediate assistance, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline available 24 hours.

JOIN THE CONVERSATION