Made in Partnership with
Growing up, I always told myself I want an easy love. A happy-go-lucky type of love where we have no cares in the world and everything was smooth sailing all the time…Then I grew up and got a quick reality check. And I realized that love, real love that’s worth fighting for, has more than a few bumps down the road. Long lasting love takes vulnerability and honesty. Sometimes it means having to pick up the bill because your man’s card declined. And sometimes it even means letting things go, no matter how much love you have for the person, because you aren’t being catered to the way you want. Black Love the series is back for its sixth and final season on OWN and the Black Love + App and our couples are covering everything from how they overcame issues of infidelity to setting boundaries in relationship to celibacy. Nothing is off the table.
In episode 1, the couples detailed the beginning stages of their relationships, how they met and their love development. For couples like Asia & Kel and Remy & Papoose, it was more of a slow burner. Asia and Kel developed a strong friendship where they would call each other before and after going on dates with other people, before even realizing the feelings they had for one another. For couples like Rosyln & Ray however, their love story was a little more fast-paced and the two told the story of how they instantly fell in love the first night they met. For most of the couples though they all started from the bottom and had to build their way up, romantically and financially. After Robert’s card declined at IHOP when trying to pay for his date with JR, he knew she was the one when she went with him to the nearest ATM to take out money rather than snubbing him.
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You Set the Standard
Ashley Blaine and her husband Darroll Jenkins found themselves in a little situationship when they first started getting to know each other. They fell into a continuous cycle of Darroll hitting her up when it was convenient for him and her naively and continually being available to him. They’d spend a day or so together, but then he’d leave and they would have little to no communication for weeks. For years this ongoing back and forth situationship went on before Ashley realized she wanted more. In the episode Ashley revealed she ‘began to desire someone that is a constant part of [her] life,” and Darroll wasn’t matching up to this need. After spending time and getting to know each other for five years, the couple realized they had nothing to show for it and the older Ashley got, the more she realized she didn’t have space for those games anymore. Ashley took the initiative to set the standard of what she wanted out of their relationship and began to require more from Darroll.
If They Want to, They Will!
Melanie broke up with her partner Jared Cotter after dating for a year when she realized they weren’t in the same place in life and he couldn’t give her what she needed. Despite being in love with him, which made the breakup 100x worse, she knew that he had to work on himself before getting in a relationship and that “whatever he was going through personally, had nothing to do with [her].” During their time apart, Jared put in the work to become a better man for himself and to be the man that he knew Melanie wanted and deserved. When he knew that he could provide her the love she was due, they worked to build back up their trust and he showed her that he not only wanted to commit to her, but was ready to. If this isn’t the energy we all want out of our partners! It would’ve been real easy for Jared to just move on after the break up and do his own thing, however he knew at the end of the day, she was who he wanted he needed to get it together if he wanted to keep her in his life. Melanie never begged him for things she knew she deserved. After two months of getting to know each other, Melanie told him plainly “look no pressure and no stress, but I’m letting you know right now, I’m not the girl that you’re gonna say ‘we’re hanging out’ or ‘dating’ a year from now.” She let him know he had to shape up or step aside, and although he stepped aside for a little, Jared came back full force in the end with the energy and effort Melanie needed.
Be Selfish and Set Boundaries
It can be very easy to compromise on little things over time and later realize a lot of things that you once held as your core values are now being overlooked. From the jump, Melanie set clear boundaries on what she wanted and would not tolerate and settle for to avoid this. After doing her own form of self and spiritual work, when Melanie met Jared, she was clear on what she wanted for her life. Both her and Jared came to realize that Jared hadn’t taken the time or had the space to figure out for himself what he wanted out of their relationship or life. If Melanie wasn’t clear on what she wanted and how she wanted to be treated, her wants and needs could’ve easily been placed on the back-burner and disregarded. However, she loved and respected herself enough to know when she deserved better and to demand more.
We have to get comfortable setting boundaries in the relationships in our lives. Clearly define your values, wants and needs and don’t compromise on them just to feel accepted by your partner. Know where you stand in their life and act accordingly. Melanie knew what she was bringing to the table in her relationship and when she knew Jared wasn’t ready to meet the standard she set, she knew she had to let him go despite how she felt toward him. And sometimes we grow tired of not knowing the space we hold in other’s lives and don’t want to settle for what we were okay with when the relationship first started out, and that’s okay. When Ashley realized she was tired of being in a situationship and wanted more, she let Darroll know and left it up to him to step up to the plate.
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