Made in Partnership with
Season 6 of “Black Love” is only one episode in, and already these inspirational stories of Black love were not only enjoyable to me but relatable. In Part 1 of the “There Isn’t One Way” episode, several couples shared their stories of Black love and marriage. Out of all 10 couples who told their stories, four of them explained how stronger they grew after reuniting with their partner. Whether they separated due to disagreement or life circumstances, they shared their journey through separation leading back up to reconnection. They spoke about the specific moments that made them realize that life without their partner was no longer an option. My husband and I share a similar story. We journeyed through a situationship, separation, reconnection and now marriage. Learning to trust that we were making a step in the right direction was a challenge but totally worth it.
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It wasn’t until Kenric noticed it while convincing her that he was the one, that she realized he was right. This reminds me so much of my husband because he too notices everything about me. From my tiny beauty marks, to the changes in my facial expressions. No man has ever paid that much attention to me before. Out of all the couples that shared their stories, I think my husband and I relate to Darroll and Ashley the most. They started off as friends who casually hung out, while still dating other people. Like Darroll, my husband was also the type to casually date and play the field. My husband and I never explored anything other than that in the beginning. Eventually, we saw how much we needed each other and my husband asked me to be his wife. Ashley and Darroll validated to me how much trust is important while reconnecting and transitioning from friendship to partner.
For me, after experiencing many failed relationships, being able to trust again was definitely a challenge. Given our history, it was very difficult to trust that my husband would take our relationship seriously and be faithful. My husband and I were both young when we met and were not necessarily ready for a relationship. For years, we were sneaky links and reached out to each other solely for sex. He went on to get into a relationship with someone else, as did I. That never stopped us, however, from keeping in touch. We would even still be intimate when things weren’t going well in our relationships. While in my past relationships, I experienced physical abuse, mental abuse, infidelity, and emotional neglect. I went from constantly having to fight and defend myself in one relationship to being ignored, alienated, and constantly cheated on in the other. By the time my husband and I reconnected, years had passed and we each had two kids from those failed relationships. I admit that while reconnecting with him was great, I did not expect anything more than sex. I had always labeled my husband as somewhat of a player and never saw him in any other light. It wasn’t until a few weeks had passed after our reconnection that my husband and I had a very serious talk. He expressed to me how he wanted to pursue a relationship. He emphatically spoke about his love for me and how serious he would take me. I never witnessed him at such a vulnerable state. So many feelings came over me. Before anything, I was happy and excited. But I also couldn’t help but to become scared and doubtful. So many questions ran through my mind. Because he and I had never had this type of conversation before, I didn’t know If I should take him seriously. I wondered if I should wait it out and see how things went before introducing him to my children and my family. I was also worried about any other potential women that he recently dealt with. Knowing the person my husband used to be, he was always a ladies’ man. I did not want to end up embarrassed or hurt. I also carried trauma from my past relationships and initially didn’t trust that I wouldn’t experience those same things with him.
My husband reassured me that not only would he be the man that I need, but also the man that my children need. Every time he spoke about his future goals, he presented it as something he was doing for us. I witnessed how his actions matched his words. Everything he said he would do, he did it. He showed me romance on a level I had never seen before. Although apprehensive in the beginning, I started to realize how consistent he was. I actually started to believe that this man was serious. He wanted to spend every waking moment with me. He never got tired of being around me. This was clearly not the same man that I knew from previous years. I then became comfortable with the idea of him meeting my family and being around my children consistently. He made me feel safe. I did not feel like he would ever put me or my children in harm’s way. He protected us at all costs. It was six months after we reconnected that my husband proved to me and everyone else that he was serious about his commitment. He proposed and said he wanted nothing more than for me to be his wife.
Building the trust that he would remain faithful took work from both of us. I had to learn how to effectively communicate the root of my trust issues, and my husband had to work on understanding this. If there was ever something that made me feel uncomfortable or something that I didn’t like, my husband was always open to hearing me out. He has always been an open book and has never had an issue with compromising to make me feel comfortable. I have never felt like I didn’t have access to any part of him. He always communicated his whereabouts, and would check in regularly. We attended pre-marital counseling and took all the necessary steps to build our trust before we got married.
There is nothing my husband and I don’t talk about. We have had a lot of tough, honest conversations. This has resulted in a strong faithful relationship. We both feel safe and comfortable expressing our feelings and compromising for the security of our partner.
Here are some tips for anyone learning how to trust again:
- Openly address the root of your trust issues and attack it! You and your partner cannot effectively work on building trust unless you first acknowledge why the trust was compromised in the first place. Whatever compromised the trust should be removed.
- Forgive and Let go. The truth is, none of us are perfect. Feeling hurt or disappointed as a result of something your partner did or said is normal. However, you cannot expect improvement if you are constantly throwing in their face the things that they have done. Try your hardest to forgive and free yourself so you and your partner can move on.
- Have honest conversations with your partner. Tough and honest conversations build trust in relationships. Even when your partner is sharing something with you that you may not want to hear, giving them that safe space to communicate with you will strengthen the relationship. Your partner will not feel the need to hide things from you, hence building trust between the both of you.
- Consistent communication. Simply checking in with one another throughout the day will enhance you and your partner’s sense of security. Not hearing from your partner or vice versa, will only hinder any progress that has been made.
The final season of “Black Love” and our official after-show “After Love” airs Saturdays on OWN at 10/9c and on the Black Love+ App!
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