We all can learn a thing or two from Chloe Bailey, of group ChloexHalle, about owning your sexuality as a Black woman. She went live on Instagram to respond to the backlash she received about “being too sexy” on her IG page. As Black women, we have to fight the pressure society places on us to be upstanding women. We are afraid to be perceived as a sexual being of any kind because society has taught us that sexual liberation equals promiscuity.
Respectability politics has robbed a lot of us of the gift of sexual expression. In the words of Antoinette, from “Antoinette’s Tale” off the critically acclaimed EP Heaux Tales by Jazmine Sullivan, “…They forget that we’re sexual beings as well…their egos are way too fragile to handle a woman who owns and has any real agency over her body.” Her words rang true for me while reading all the negative comments about Chloe, a young woman who was just being herself. But as the saying goes, “you can not shame a woman who’s unashamed.”
I stan for all the Chloe’s in the world! Women who are unapologetic and show up in the complete fullness of who they are–to include sexually. I was proud to see that she made no excuses for her sexual expression. It was amazing to see that at 22, Chloe had already learned the lesson that takes so many Black women much longer to learn. For all the women out there who are wanting to learn this lesson, here are a few tips that I picked up along the way that helped me to own my sexuality.
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Get to Know Your Body
Reports show that women who know their bodies better have more sexual satisfaction. The best way to learn your body is by creating a self-pleasure routine. When’s the last time you touched yourself and really focused on how it felt? Do you know what places on your body are your hot spots? Set time out weekly to learn what turns you on.
Explore Your Sexuality
It’s difficult to be confident about sex when you’re not sure what you like and dislike. The amazing thing about exploring is once you have an arsenal of things that you enjoy, it makes you more confident about sex. Sexual confidence is knowing that you and you alone hold the keys to your sexual pleasure and the only way to get there is by exploring.
Stop Comparing Yourself
Comparison is the thief of JOY! Chloe mentioned in her video that we compare the best versions of others to the worst version of ourselves. Most of the women we are seeing on the internet and TV are often not realistic representations of the average woman. When you’re constantly seeing images of women who don’t look like you it’s easy to start feeling undesirable. It’s important to remember that sexy comes in all sizes. Find women who are similar to your shape and size who exude confidence and let them be your inspiration.
Buy Some Lingerie
It may sound cliché, but the quickest way to take my sexual self-esteem from a zero to a hundred is with some flattering new lingerie. I feel my sexiest when I am at home by myself in cute lingerie. You don’t need the approval of men or a partner to feel sexy, all you need to do is like what you see.
There’s nothing wrong with being a sexual being. You are allowed to have complete agency over your body and sexuality. It’s ok to be a confident sexy woman. You have permission to express your sexuality in any way you see fit as long as it’s consensual. Do not let respectability politics steal your joy. Go be sexy sis!