What is self-love, and what does it look like? This type of question has been prominent in our society for several years now. After the rise of dismantling the stigma behind mental health in the Black community, Black women and men have started to redefine what practicing self-love or self-care looks like for them. You can attend yoga classes and practice meditation, but when you are applying self-love into your life in order to foster healthier relationships, well, that looks a little different.
According to Psychology Today, it is estimated that roughly 85% of people worldwide (adults and adolescents) have low self-esteem. This can be linked to trauma and other difficult moments one has had to experience in their lifetime. Most of which were out of one’s control, but it can still affect them years later without even realizing it. When you have low self-esteem or a negative perception about yourself, that interferes with how you interact with other people and maintain relationships. You can either have trust issues and fear commitment or you can have a fear of rejection and depend on relationships for validation of self-worth. There is a spectrum of how someone can behave in relationships based on their background. So that is where the importance of practicing self-love comes into play.
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By definition, self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. With this, self-love promotes that all the time that we put into others through acts of service, should be reinvested back into ourselves. If you have ever heard of the saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”, this is a perfect example. When Black women and men use the act of self-love by taking much-needed time for themselves, they are able to replenish themselves from the inside out. This has a positive impact on how we show up for ourselves in relationships and so forth.
Sometimes, when we hear the term self-love or self-care, there can be a negative connotation around it. People can assume that a person is being selfish because they are purposely putting themselves first. While that may be true, the purpose of self-love is not to exclude the values of community or supporting one another. Self-love is to make sure that a person takes the right steps to align with a better version of themselves. That way, you are able to build relationships with others with a more positive outlook. There is also a misconception that when someone practices self-love, it will fix everything. Self-love can shift someone’s mindset about the world around them, but it is a consistent process one must have toward growth. Practicing self-love has amazing benefits to one’s health, and when practiced, it can really benefit the way you connect with others in the long run.
The Benefits of Self-Love
Self-love not only makes you feel good, but it alters your mental health as well, scientifically. According to licensed therapist Shawnessa Devonish LCPC, NCC, there are neurological benefits that come with practicing self-love. “There is a part of your brain that is responsible for emotional processing. So when you practice self-love consistently, that particular area is pretty balanced, which is needed. This helps a person not act on impulse when they are making decisions. You also have the part of the brain that is responsible for cognitive processing that is affected too. This particular area of the brain is responsible for focus, memory, and problem-solving. So when you are committed to self-love, this area is more enhanced. Overall, you become better at making better decisions in relationships and romantically speaking, who you want as a partner.”
In order to achieve heightened decision-making and emotion regulation, you have to practice self-love on a consistent basis. Devonish believes that once you incorporate self-love in your routine, you will have more options to prioritize your well-being long-term.
“People think they can go to a therapy session and speak positive affirmations as a quick fix. I think it takes 20+ days to develop a habit. So with any type of therapeutic technique, specifically when it comes to self-love, you have to be consistent with it. It can be a one-time fix-all. You have to develop a routine for the positive affirmations, the naps, the spa days, the nature walks, etc. All the things you can do to pour into yourself,” Devonish stated.
Self-Love Can Be Uncomfortable
The thing about wellness and working on yourself emotionally and spiritually is that the road is not an easy one. Self-love being highlighted to be an amazing experience filled with joy and happiness is only half of the story. In order to get to that level, you have to experience the not-so-joyful and unhappy moments. Self-love is also a test on how you can examine the not-so-pretty parts about yourself and the trauma that has brought you to who you are to date.
“Self-love forces you to deal with your stuff. That is very uncomfortable because not only are you in a space where you are thinking of the positive things that are going on, but there are areas of improvement that may come up when you are doing self-reflection. That can be hard. Self-love requires a higher level of accountability, which could put you in a space where you want to give up on the process because it is too heavy. But keep in mind that there is always room for change. Just because you sit with the emotion and the intensity of what you’re feeling, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is going to last forever,” Devonish explained.
It is convenient to stay in a position where we are familiar and comfortable. But we, as a community, will become stagnant and not grow from that. To reach the next level of our potential, we have to go through uncomfortable seasons and persevere through them. This causes us to be stronger mentally and allows us to accept ourselves holistically. This can decrease the likelihood of seeking the opinions from others to tell us about our identity in association to relationships. Since we have already done the hard work, we have a better sense of who we are and have built more self-confidence.
Self-Love Equals Genuine Relationships
As Black women and men continue navigating self-love, you will start to see yourself change as an individual and the people around you. This is an opportunity to hone in on the people who you see are genuinely beneficial for your life. It is important to have people around you that pour into you and value your growth. This can be a person who has been in your life since childhood or a person you met a few months ago. Genuine relationships are not measured by time. They are measured by mutual respect for each other’s values, boundaries, and individual goals. When you practice self-love, it is easier to determine who is meant to stay and who is meant to let go of. Being a self-loved person, you have gained an authentic and intimate relationship with yourself first. Knowing this, you are able to communicate what that may look like with another person. You can express your needs better and pour into someone else in a bigger capacity than before. It is a win-win situation.
If you’re struggling with self-love and community, attend The Black Love Summit, Black Love’s marquee event focusing on 360 degrees of Black Love with self-love above all else. Purchase tickets to the Black Love Summit here!
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