Let me set the scene for the vibes at The YOU Retreat — a room radiating with sisterhood and Black girl magic. Black Love’s Co-Founder Codie Elaine Oliver comes on stage and tells the DJ to “drop the beat,” and “Level Up” by Ciara comes on, and from the back of the room comes beautiful actresses Shoniqua Shandai and KJ Smith dancing their way through the audience! Their colorful outfits bring joy to the room, and their perfumes can be smelled from the stage. When the room finally settles from excitement, one of the first questions KJ Smith asks Shoniqua Shandai is, “I understand you were bullied as a child and eventually decided to show up as you in the 9th grade. How did you tap into that?”
The question stunned me because I wondered how this beautiful chocolate woman who exudes confidence was tormented as she would describe it? But that’s the thing about life and a person’s story – you never know what their experiences have been. Before me sat Shandai in bright, beautiful colors, but before she became this woman sitting in front of me, her life wasn’t always this bright. “I would try to hide by wearing dark colors and ended up doing things that weren’t me, and she was still getting bullied” Everything changed for her when she realized she was going to be talked about regardless. The Harlem actress decided if people were going to talk, she would give them something to talk about. She states, “I went from hiding to showing up every day like school was my runway.” That’s when she decided it was more important for her to be true to herself than to be true to the box people were trying to keep her in, yes authenticity!
KJ also opened up as her journey to authenticity began with acknowledging the importance of mental health. The “Sistas” actress candidly spoke about being on a 5-year journey focusing on herself, mental health, and physical health. Smith says what started that for her was acknowledging her depression and anxiety, and I found her vulnerability so refreshing. As someone who struggles with both anxiety and depression, hearing KJ Smith speak those words gave me a fresh sense of hope. She stated, “This business and this world require you to be mentally strong, and I wasn’t.” What I took from that is that it takes admitting you need help, taking time back from the world to pour into yourself, and loving yourself enough actually to actually get the help you need. KJ also acknowledged that she cared what people thought about her more than what she thought about herself. But when things started to flip for her was when she reclaimed her time and poured it back into herself to increase the love for herself that she deserved.
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As the discussion came to a close, the ladies collectively encouraged the attendees to go against the “grind til you die” and “no sleep” mindset. The importance of taking the time to pour into yourself and practice self-care was not glamorized how it is now. Both ladies have taken a different approach, but with a beautiful common goal in mind, showing up daily as a version of themselves that is authentic, happy, and pleasing to no other person but themselves.
To be able to sit in on this vulnerable yet uplifting conversation was a blessing. Two beautifully black women pouring into one another, giving each other their flowers, and validating one another’s feelings was something I didn’t know I needed but definitely did. On my drive home from YOU Retreat, I was thinking about how I try to minimize myself in order to make others feel comfortable. The truth is if I ignore what others think, like Shoniqua Shandai, I would flourish into the person I wanted to be 100%. After the YOU Retreat, I declared a promise to myself. “I will never let someone else’s narrative or thoughts of me change the way I love, treat, and think about myself.” I know that the conversation between Shoniqua Shandai and KJ Smith is what ignited that fire in me.
Oh, and to second the words of KJ Smith, “I am not rejecting a single flower that is given to me this year.”
Wanting more of these moments filled with sisterhood? Not to worry — we got you fam! The YOU Retreat presented by Black Love is now available to stream on the Black Love+ app!
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