
Have you ever noticed that fairy tales always end right after the wedding? But what happens when the celebration commences, the crowd goes home, and the couple realizes that it’s just them and an idea of how they are supposed to be?
And, the thing that screws us up the most about marriage is the perception of how it’s supposed to be.
Although my husband and I dated for about two years prior to jumping the broom, we realized that marriage was a brand new beast. No more “I” or “my,” but now, “we” and “us.” Prior to our wedding day, we both lived our lives as individuals, doing things our own way, having our own ideologies and routines, and then — BOOM! The world shakes and we’re in a period of constant learning, accepting, and evolving.
BOOM! The world shakes and we’re in a period of constant learning, accepting, and evolving.
Going into marriage, I knew that there was no such thing as a fairytale existence. However, in retrospect, I envisioned my happily ever after to look something like the marriages that I saw displayed through my grandparents and my parents. I knew that their marriages weren’t perfect, but after spending my life observing them, I felt like I was knowledgeable enough to create my own sort of prix fixe menu — picking and choosing the characteristics of their bond that I wanted to keep and cultivate for myself when I too got married.
I grew up in a traditional Caribbean household in Brooklyn. My family was very close-knit and each day was structured and somewhat ritualistic. For instance, family dinner was an everyday 7:30 p.m. occasion, Saturday mornings were designated for household chores, and Sundays were for preparing meals in quantities large enough to be confused with a Thanksgiving feast.
Was this normal?
Suddenly, a light bulb went off. I realized that these were all important aspects of learning how to function as a cohesive unit, these were our growing pains.
When I shared with these “mentors” my attempt to recreate the marriages I saw in my parents and grandparents, they chuckled and explained that I was taking the back-end of the happy marriages that I witnessed growing-up and inadvertently skipped their foundational years, perhaps because I wasn’t around to witness them — whether because I was too young, not yet born, or because the growing pains of a mature, fully functional marriage often happened in private, behind closed doors.
This is what real life happily ever after looks like.
But perhaps instead of asking, “Am I happy?” We should really be asking, “Am I able to love through this?” Why? Because contrary to popular belief, love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Love is choosing to be at your best when the other person is at their worst. It’s putting someone else and their needs before yourself no matter how you feel. Marriage is not about how happy you feel in the moment or how hard you try to keep up with what society, the media, or anyone else says you should be doing. Marriage is a decision to love and a constant decision to die to one’s self.
Ok, I know “dying to one’s self” sounds extreme. But hear me out!
The benefit: For once in my life, I can love without limitations and put my husband’s needs and desires before my own, while in turn, trusting him enough to do the very same for me.
This is the story of our happily ever after, and it’s enough for me.
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