
“The Package Deal” was a term that I made to describe the choice I was making to accept my fiancé’s proposal to become his wife and a stepmom to his 7-year-old son. Saying “I do” meant I understood and willingly accepted my new role, but did I really?! Reflecting on this decision 11 years later, I would say without hesitation… NO! I believed our love would be enough to get through any drama that could come from outside of our relationship. However, I didn’t ask the right questions and have enough exposure to determine the existing co-parenting dynamic before getting my heart involved.
At 21, when we first began dating, I was floating high off the blissful aspects of our relationship — weekly romantic dates, flowers, gifts, sex, etc. During this time and until he was nearly eight, his son lived full time with his mother, so every other weekend was our time together. Due to this schedule, my exposure to his son and the brewing drama with his ex was far from me. To this day, I firmly believe that every other weekend is not enough time for anyone to bond with their child(ren) and certainly not enough time for a future stepmom to catch a glimpse of what her life could be like. As the occasions would arise, we would proudly attend school events, sports games, and parties together. Even when we moved into our first apartment after three years together, his son had a place in our home and my boyfriend made it clear that by choosing him, I was also accepting his son. Because he had a dual role, his responsibility as a father was first and I knew that if I tried to split the two, I would lose!
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Based on my experience, some of the key takeaways from those early days were:
- Communication is key. You must understand your role and expectations (spoken and unspoken) as you transition from girlfriend to stepmom. Voice your concerns about your desired level of involvement in your stepchild’s life and park in that lane. Make sure all parties understand this. I wish I had known this at 21 when we began dating but I didn’t have my life completely figured out-let alone how I would fit into a child’s life. I was content on being called by my first name and doing what was asked of me until the roles changed and we had residential custody. The role reversal was a game-changer and one where we failed to communicate how long he would be staying and how our responsibilities would be split. I eagerly accepted the role of the residential stepmom with the full expectation that his mother would be deeply involved as she was prior to the change. Unfortunately, she didn’t show up to uphold her responsibilities which left my plate full.
- Find shade blockers. You must have tough skin to endure some of the drama that may be geared toward you. Most times it has nothing to do with you but more so about your presence in the picture and the changes to come. I’m confrontational by nature so this was my area of weakness because I believed that every action deserved a reaction. It was ingrained in me by the women in my family which meant countless arguments, misunderstandings and an in-person fight at my stepson’s school. The latter was a shameful experience that I regret because the police got involved and I could have walked away instead of reacting. If I had today’s wisdom, I would have understood that my presence was a reminder to my husband’s ex that their relationship was done and that her son would have another mother-like figure in his life.
- Build and connect. Find things in common with your stepchild and form your own relationship with him/her. By doing so, it will allow the child to develop their own sense of who you are and carve out a place for you in their life. This is the area I excelled in because I love kids, so I was able to connect with him naturally through trips to the park and watching television together. Luckily, I also had young nieces and nephews around his age with whom he could spend time with on the weekends he came to visit. Whenever we were left home together, I made sure he felt comfortable and safe. He came to form his own opinions about me by the way I cared and protected him, and the playdates were just a bonus.
As a stepchild myself, I experienced rejection early on, and the pain shaped me into the stepmother I am today. Many years later, I found myself empathizing with my stepfather because being a stepparent is tough. As much as I loved my stepson, he wasn’t mine and I was constantly being reminded of that from his mother. Even after having his younger brother and sister, I was intentional on being inclusive so there was no such thing as half-siblings in our household. This may be controversial for some since the children have different mothers, but this is how our family always operated. Deep down, I knew that I couldn’t treat him any other way because of my firsthand childhood experience and now he had younger siblings watching. There were many opportunities early on to reject the package deal, cause division and make excuses to avoid connecting with my stepson. As I said “yes” to becoming Mrs. Wright, I was also saying “I do vow to love your son and nurture him as my own.” It’s been many years since I’ve accepted “The Package Deal,” and I still stand by the decision to be the best stepmom/bonus mom I could be.
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