3 Things I Learned as a Single Woman at the 2021 Black Love Summit
by Asa Dugger
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August 17, 2023

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3 Things I Learned as a Single Woman at the 2021 Black Love Summit

Asa Dugger (Courtesy of MayaJoan)
Asa Dugger at the 2021 Black Love Summit (Courtesy of MayaJoan)

We’re back and headed to Hotlanta! Black Love, Inc. is thrilled to announce the return of its highly anticipated annual marquee event — the BLACK LOVE SUMMIT! As we celebrate our 6th year in Atlanta, we are dedicated to fostering love, unity, and growth as we connect with our Black Love fam! As we gear up to the big day, let’s look back to stories filled with special moments from Black Love Summit. Check out this article and then grab your early bird tickets!

As a woman in my twenty-somethings busy with crushing my career goals, working through trauma and being courted long-distance, the conversation that truly met me where I am today was the “Don’t Settle: Dating With Intention & Courting Your Partner” hosted by matchmaker Devyn Simone with panelists Anthony & Melanie Clark from Season 4 of Black Love Doc, and BreAnna Jones & Devin Chapman, a couples who met online and got engaged after three years of dating. The key takeaway I received from this panel was how much our upbringing shapes how we portray, give and receive love. 

Where I come from I can count how many divorces, dysfunctional family breakups and funerals I’ve witnessed more than I can count weddings, graduations and other celebratory events. Seeing women in my family normalize and tolerate toxic behaviors in marriage and relationships framed how I saw love as a chore rather than a luxury. 

This conversation truly resonated with me because it reminded me that we as humans are responsible for healing ourselves and writing our own story everyday rather than allowing our past to write it for us. Devyn, the host even used baking a cake as an illustrative analogy to describe this. Baking a cake you have to put all the ingredients together at your own pace, “release the way it’s been done for others and do it your own way.” 

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Looking back at my past relationships, I’ve had to take accountability for settling for less, trauma bonding and moving without intention while also recognizing that the woman I am today, is not the woman I was in other relationships. I’m healthier, I’m wiser, and at times I didn’t know any better. Today, I take up space and I’m selective with who I allow to have access to me. This panel challenged me to unravel the ways I’ve seen dating and love by taking responsibility for my mistakes, and continuing to redefine what love is and looks like for me. 

Coupled with this, these panelists taught me to continue to be intentional with what I’m seeking even while in courtship, and God-willing, in marriage too. I decided to curate 3 action steps I’m committing to before the new year (and throughout it) to renew the way I portray, give and receive love. 

  1. I will intentionally expose myself to healthy, Black Love.
  2. 3 Things I Learned as a Single Woman at the 2021 Black Love Summit
    2021 Summit panelists BreAnna Jones & Devin Chapman, and Melanie & Anthony Clark with panel host matchmaker Devyn Simone (Courtesy of MayaJoan)

    Our eyes are the lamp of our bodies which means what we allow ourselves to consume is what we will continue to normalize and attract. Instead of laughing at toxic relationship TikTok’s, binge watching “traumaporn” and negative realities around Black love. I’ve decided that I’m only following social media pages that demonstrate healthy, transformative lifestyles and relationships that align with the life I’m healing for. I’m going to watch birth stories online, binge-watch Black Love series in my free time, read books, and articles that speak to healthy, transformative love despite being marginalized. As Codie mentioned at the Summit, “Black love is Black liberation.”

  3.  I will continue doing the work, even when it hurts like hell.
  4. During the “Don’t Settle” panel, I asked the panelist “how do you keep your past trauma from pushing away a person who wants to love you, be patient with you and show you that they’re serious?” Y’all, the response below almost made me snatch my wig off!

    Anthony: “Be honest and vulnerable with your partner about what you’re fighting through. Once that person knows what you’re going through, they’ll have more patience and tolerance [with you] They won’t cut and run as quickly.” 

    Melanie: “Start your self-work. If you know you’ve had trauma, get a therapist, get a coach and start working on it. It’s your responsibility to work on your trauma. Yes, you want to communicate and be vulnerable but it’s your job to work on it. You can’t expect other people to come and heal us. It’s your job to show up healed in your relationships.” 

    Anyone who has dealt with trauma and hurt in the past knows how humiliating, demeaning and embarrassing it can be to address it- especially with a new lover. It’s like a cloud of fear and judgement that hovers over you. Melanie and Anthony’s response confirmed that I have to continue doing the work I’m doing in therapy and with God to be able to be vulnerable, have hard conversations and show up as I am. 

  5. I will pursue to see the beauty in my brokenness.
3 Things I Learned as a Single Woman at the 2021 Black Love Summit
2021 Summit panelists Anthony & Melanie Clark of Black Love Season 4 (Courtesy of MayaJoan)

Anthony mentioned that “our success is in our mess.” We all have a story, and circumstances that have contributed to the person we are today. BreAnna even shared that she recently released herself from the shame and feeling of being “damaged” for not living up to her parents expectations of waiting until marriage. It’s important that we are real with ourselves, and where we are so that we can show up in spaces and relationships as our most authentic self rather than letting those experiences define us. Even in my weakest moments, I will trust that I am worthy of being loved. I will allow my vulnerability to shine light for others to find strength in their own. 

Overall, the 2021 Black Love Summit has me feeling edified and encouraged to keep on keeping on. In a world, where everything feels so uncertain and fragmented right now, it gave me the velocity I needed to love abundantly. I left feeling full, worthy and most significantly, feeling loved.

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