“Ask Dr. Ally” is a new Black Love advice column featuring mental health expert, therapist, and brand curator Dr. Allycin Powell-Hicks! Dr. Ally has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and uses her expertise to coach people to align with their true purpose, mind, body, and spirit. This week we’re discussing the power of sisterhood and how we can maintain fruitful friendships into adulthood!
Calling someone “sister” is much more than a casual term of endearment — it’s a loving commitment to support another person through life’s highs and lows. As someone with two sisters, I know firsthand the indelible nature of this bond. We may fall out, we may disagree, or even fight, but ultimately we are always connected. So when someone calls me their sister, I have high standards. Sisterhood isn’t a joke. These bonds can outlive a majority of living situations, careers, and even marriages. So, buckle up; in this first article in a series on sisterhood, I will be giving you some of my tips on how to build your “Golden Girls Squad (GGS)” — those friends you grow old with and get a place in Arizona with — based on my 10+ years of experience as a mental health expert and relationship coach.
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Studies have shown that having any social interactions, no matter the type can help improve memory and cardiovascular function, especially in older adults. In contrast, loneliness — not simply the act of being alone but feeling disconnected even among others — can negatively impact our mental and physical health. According to Amati and her team, having meaningful friendships results in higher life satisfaction. However, when you have too many acquaintances or strangers in your circle, you can begin to see a decrease in satisfaction, according to Powdthavee, 2008. Now that we know sisterhood can be life-saving, no pressure, what do we do to develop and sustain healthy friendships?
Assessing Friendship History
Healthy sisterhood is built on support, reciprocity, and intimacy — without these pillars, it can be tough to survive the waves of dynamic relationships. That’s why the first step to building your Golden Girl Squad (GGS) is all about you. Yup, you could be the villain. It’s possible that there are things you are doing that are getting in the way of forming the relationships you want. In the clinical world, there is a term for when clients unconsciously derail their progress “therapy interfering behaviors,” but here in the relationship coaching world, let’s call them “friendship f*^ing behaviors.” These can be things like traumas from our past, primarily traumas with a caregiver. Our caregivers – whether it’s mom, dad, grandparents, foster parents, or group home supervisors build into us a sense of how relationships work. If these relationships were inconsistent, then we will assume future ones will be too. After all, we predict the future with the only information we have, the past. Addressing what we are bringing into the friendship is key. You can ask yourself a few questions.
- What have my past relationships been like?
- How have the women in my life treated me, and how did that make me feel?
- And what are my knee-jerk feelings about having women as friends?
- What roles do you play in your friendships? (fixer, maiden in distress, the entertainer…)
Understanding your past with female relationships will open you up to how to create the future relationships you want. This process may take time and intervention from coaches, therapists, or licensed psychologists, but you are well on your way to understanding your role and expectations when it comes to sisterhood.
Assessing the Quality of Your Current Relationships
Next, I recommend that you assess the quality of your current relationships. Do a straight-up SWOT analysis. Look at the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats.
- Strengths: In what ways is the relationship supportive, egalitarian, or comforting?
- Weaknesses: What are the downsides of the relationships or struggles?
- Opportunities: In what ways can you grow this relationship?
- Threats: What are the pain points in the relationship?
Understanding these areas will allow you to see if this relationship is worth salvaging, growing or if you’re playing a role in the problems. Do this analysis for each friendship you think could be part of your GGS.
Finding Your “Golden Girl Squad”
Some of you may find that you don’t have enough of the relationships you want. You have options. Finding your GGS isn’t much different from dating. I know, I know! But there are ways to make it fun. Bumble has a great option for friend-finding. So if you’re serious about developing a sisterhood, this can be one way to move in the right direction. Then, of course, there are good old IRL events. Attending events that align with your interests are great places to find friends. Whether you are searching online or IRL, you want to manage your mindset during our search.
Managing Your Mindset
Maintaining an open mindset as you meet new people is crucial. Sometimes we set ourselves up for failure by having rigid expectations about what this interaction will yield. Just go with the flow, listen to what they have to say, and respond in the moment. Don’t let the future worry you — just be present.
Black Love Fam, we hope these tips have been helpful! This is the first in a series of six articles from Dr. Ally, your friendly neighborhood life/relationship coach! If you want any services or support, you may seek out my services on allycinhicks.com!
Have a question you want to ask Dr. Ally next, email our managing editor at yasmine@blacklove.com, and you just might see your question answered Dr. Ally’s next ask segment!
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