Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips

Imagine waking up to your partner of several years and realizing you don’t enjoy having sex with them anymore. Let’s be honest, being with a partner day in and day out can get a little blah. By now, they have already shown you their best moves, the excitement has faded, their morning breath is more “morniner,” and they fart in their sleep. As a result, the two of you are now walking embodiments of B.B. King’s “The Thrill Is Gone.” But the good news is you’re not alone. Losing sexual desire for your mate isn’t uncommon, according to a study done by 2Date4Love, only 48% of women desired regular sex from their mate after four years of marriage. No one wants a sexless marriage; it just sorta happens over time. There are a multitude of reasons as to why women desire less sex throughout the duration of a marriage, but we are not here to talk about that. We are here to talk about how you can be in the 52%.   

Your favorite relationship coach’s favorite relationship coach Dr. Phil once said, there is no particular number of sexual encounters that is considered “normal” for couples, married or not. Doc continues by saying couples should “negotiate” a sexual relationship that meets both of their needs. I totally agree with this because relationships are ever evolving, and as life happens desires for certain things change. As your relationship grows, you have to find new ways to meet in the middle so everyone needs can be met. This is the very reason,  I believe every couple should have regular check-ins as they are essential to the longevity of any relationship. 

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1. Be More Helpful: I talk to a lot of married women and one thing I’ve learned from my many interactions with them is that married men who help around the house get more sex. Listen, it’s tiring being a woman. It’s exhausting being a woman, wife, and mom. Whew! The thought of it all makes me want to take a nap. HELP HER!!!  Don’t just take my word for it. Let’s look at statistics shall we…a 2006 study reported that men who equally shared in the housework had sex on average seven times per month, twice the amount reported by couples where the woman carried most of the load. In the words of the Best Rapper Alive, Dwayne Carter, “men lie, women lie, numbers don’t…” You want to have more sex, help out.
2. Take Sex Off the Table: Now hear me out. Before you start giving me that crazy look. Yes, that look. Not having sex can actually strengthen the intimacy in your relationship, just ask Terry Crews and his wife. They went on a 90 day sex fast that deepened their desire for one another.  I know it sounds a bit counterproductive to say the way to increase sex in a relationship is by stopping it, but sometimes removing the pressure of having sex can help rekindle romance and connection. Relearning each other and finding new ways to connect outside of sex can do wonders for intimacy.
3. Be Spontaneous: Change up the routine. A surprise here and there can put a bit of excitement back into a relationship. Plan a surprise trip, buy a surprise gift, plan a special dinner, pop by their work to see them. Do something that is different from the norm. Break the routine.

   

4. Schedule Sex: I know, I know….. I literally just told you not to have sex and now I’m telling you to make sex a priority. Let me explain, planning sex is not the sexiest, but it does help the relationship stay active. Early on in relationships, sex is an automatic priority, because it’s exciting, new, and fun. As the relationship grows, it becomes harder to focus on sex because life happens. Scheduled sex is simply a promise to make time for one another. It’s also a lot better than having no sex. By dedicating certain nights out of the week as “sex nights” you are letting your partner know you desire them and want to make them feel special.
5. Be Honest: This is probably the most important tip on the list. In order to improve the sex, you’re getting you to have to be honest about the sex your currently having. Telling someone that you don’t enjoy them sexually is hard and it can be ego-crushing however, it’s a conversation that must be had. The key to being honest without hurting someone’s feelings is in the delivery. Have you ever heard the saying, “it’s not what you say but how you say it?”  How you talk to your partner is critical in order to be heard. You always lead with a positive before talking about a negative. Give a compliment on something that you like. They do something you like, right? If so, start with that. For example, I enjoy your sweet kisses on my neck, it really gets me going. By leading with a compliment, it lets them know that you do enjoy some parts of the sex. After you state what you like, then go into what you dislike. For example, we always do missionary. I would like it if maybe we could try doggy style more often, I can feel it more on my g-spot when you hit it from the back.

Remember, just because the honeymoon may be over, that doesn’t mean the spark has to go out too. Take these tips for overcoming a sexual plateau and break out of your relationship rut, reconnect with your partner, and rekindle passion that brought you together in the first place.