‘Black Love’ Wives Talk Overwhelm, Sex, and the Perfection Myth

And let the Black Love Summit Wives Panel begin. Packed with wives from the Black Love series, and to the soundtrack of season 3 wife LeToya Luckett’s newest single, the ladies prepared to speak candidly on the pressures of being a wife and mother.  Ashley Chea, Egypt Sherrod, Jessica Burns, Erica Campbell, and LeToya Luckett sat down with Black Love series co-creator Codie Elaine Oliver to have a straight up talk, and the truth it is not always as pretty as it appears.

Balance

“When you’re a woman, you just automatically take over,” says season one’s Ashley Chea of the feeling that the responsibility lies solely on women to “make sure we’re the perfect mother, make sure we’re the perfect wife.”  

Related: Black Love Summit: Talking Tea in the Village With the Wives Panel

She praised the friend who came to her aid with a simple question:  “How can I serve your family?” 

Receiving Help

Ashley said her mom was the only one she would trust with her children, and LeToya boasted that her mom was in Dallas watching her kids right at the moment.  And, after the Summit, she’s taking advantage of the opportunity and going on her first vacation since the birth of her daughter. It was clear that outside care in the form of grandparents, sisters, friends, and hired professionals was an essential part of maintaining their flow, but what about the husbands?

“My husband wanted to help,” says Erica. At first she wouldn’t let him even just take their newborn to feed her.  Erica’s mother had to intercede saying, “If you do every single thing, he’s going to get used to not doing anything.” In addition, Erica realized, “I needed to allow him bonding time as well!” 

Related: An Invitation to the Gentleman’s Club: The Black Love Summit Husbands Panel

And About Sex…

Erica agreed, adding that communication can be sexy.

“Sex doesn’t start when I walk in the bedroom,” Erica said stressing the point of foreplay in the form of text messages, pictures, etc.  

She “lived in sin deliciously” for six years with her now husband DJ Fadelf. “We were literally rabbits,” she said boasting of a closet decked with wigs and outfits for a variety of personalities in the boudoir. “I could swing from the chandelier!”  

But, sometime after giving birth, things took a turn, and her husband admitted to being unhappy saying, “We don’t have sex anymore. What happened?” 

Egypt’s response to him was, “I don’t feel sexy!” 

Mood Shifts

She admits that when they first started dating she “was carrying so much baggage!” She says of being married at age 35, “I had kissed a lot of frogs.” Blessings were on the horizon but she was blocking them. She realized, “I had to fix myself.”  

Egypt acknowledged it was her husband that saw her beyond the baggage and was willing to wait. “He was a lot further emotionally than I was and realized that I just had to catch up.” He was married previously and had matured from the experience. He knew what he wanted and had done the work.

And along with the nerves over being a new mom, Erica spoke of her weight gain over the years — from a size 4 to 16 — and the beauty of her husband’s support.  “The patience he had for me was just amazing because there are always four women’s clothes in my closet!” But while she may have been feeling unsexy, her husband loved it all. “He liked me whether I was juicy or skinny,” she added, laughing, “He actually says he loved the diversity I gave him.”

Body Image

She admits to having moments of doubt and unhealthy thoughts about her body. In those moments she advises, “Sit in the mirror and pump yourself back up again.”  If you can’t breastfeed it’s okay. “Take that moment and be still and have some appreciation.”

Self Love

“Off the rack,” LeToya agreed. “That’s not for me. I want something custom!”

She talked of her days as a single woman and being prayerful. After years of picking the wrong partner, LeToya reasoned, “Alright, Lord, I can’t pick for me. I do a terrible job.” In her conversations with God she promised, “I’m gonna get out the way, I’m gonna get out the driver’s seat, I’m gonna get in the trunk!“ 

“How can we can manifest the man you need when you’re not even the woman you need to be?” Egypt asks. She expanded, testifying, “I wish I had someone to tell me, we can manifest the lives that we want by the actions that we take!”

“We have power within ourselves,” Jessica encourages. “Love yourself!… [Value] you first.“ Jessica shared how can we start to achieve this on a deeper level: “Tell your self affirmations on how beautiful you are…do that for yourself!”  She says it’s not about doing it for your husband. It’s all about you!

With that the panel was complete, but the opportunity to learn more about these women and their journey as a wife is not.  Catch Egypt Sherrod and her husband DJ Fadelf, and LeToya Luckett and her husband Tommicus “Tommi” Walker on season three of the BLACK LOVE series, premiering this Saturday, August 10th on OWN. And catch Erica & Warryn Campbell and Ashley & Bryan Chea on season one of the Black Love series, airing on OWN and the Urban Network.