Blended Family Lessons and Tips to Consider When Challenges Arise
by Jasmine Raheem
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October 3, 2023

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Blended Family Lessons and Tips to Consider When Challenges Arise

Made in Partnership with Blended Family Lessons and Tips to Consider When Challenges Arise

Blended Family Lessons and Tips to Consider When Challenges Arise
Couch Conversations Season 5, Episode 4 with Jermaine & Shelly, Ace Hood & Shelah Marie, and Jihan & Adrienne

In episode 4 of this season of “Couch Conversations,” Sheila Marie & Ace Hood discussed blending families with two other couples. Since the relationship with my husband was built on the foundation of blending our two families, I related so much to this episode. It gave me comfort after realizing that every blended family overall experiences the same obstacles that come with transitioning into one big family. The difference in parenting styles, setting boundaries with your partner’s co-parent, feeling like an outsider, and knowing when and when not to discipline your bonus children are all challenges I have faced in a blended family.

When my husband and I reconnected, his two boys were ages seven and six. My daughter was six, and my son was 15 months. We had known each other for a long time, even before we became parents. We were comfortable enough bringing our children around each other earlier on in our dating stag and were intentional about making sure our children felt comfortable around each other and our partners. Attempting to build a relationship with your partner’s children while trying not to cross any boundaries out of respect for the other parent was difficult for me. For my husband, it was easier to connect to my children because they didn’t have much of a negative influence from my co-parent.

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Although initially, my bonus sons seemed to accept and love me, it became more difficult to connect with them once their mom learned about me. I remained as positive as I could and loved my bonus sons as my own. We went on to get married and created a loving home for all of our children. We had our 5th child together within our first year of marriage. In ways, I believe that brought everyone closer. As time went on and the children got older, I often felt like my bonus sons held some type of resentment towards me. Being heavily influenced by their mom, I believe the boys thought I was trying to replace their mom and ruined any possibility of their parents getting back together and becoming a family. That led to difficulties with discipline, disagreements between my children and my bonus children, miscommunication, and boundaries being crossed by my husband’s co-parent. 

 

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As a result of the tension, the dynamic of our household became divisive. My husband would ease up on disciplining the boys to make them feel more comfortable, and I would continue to discipline my children as usual. The boys would ultimately start going against our rules, which led to delayed and ineffective discipline. The children bumped heads with each other, and the energy would be even more negative when my bonus sons returned back home from visiting with their mother. Regardless of the turmoil, my husband and I have remained strong and continue to set healthy boundaries, express love to all of our children, and provide healthy ways to communicate. I have realized the amount of stress the children have had to endure. Transitioning from two different households. Abiding by two different set of rules and feeling the pressure of picking one parent over the other. I will love my bonus children no matter what and can only pray that they understand the amount of support I will continue to offer them.

 

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Here are some tips for parents of blended families:

  • Understand that the transition may be difficult for all parties involved. Be open to therapy as a couple and a blended family if the opportunity is there and everyone is open to it.
  • Realize that some things are beyond your control. Set healthy boundaries and create the space you want in your environment.
  • Be consistent with discipline amongst all children to show the children that you and your partner are on the same page, diminishing the possibility of sibling rivalry.
  • Prioritize time with the children both individually and together. Every child has different needs, and individual time allows you to check in with your children more intimately.
  • Prioritize time with your partner. Do not lose yourself in parenthood. Once the children become adults and leave the nest, you will still have a strong connection with your partner.

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