Finding that balance and learning how to fight fair are growing pains. Learning how to engage your partner is rule #2. Mattie shared, she doesn’t come from a family of fighters. Her background is West African, and she says, culturally, they swept a lot of things under the rug, so she never knew how to fight. When they argued, she would want to fall back, but her husband wouldn’t let her. Chris would say, “You need to learn how to fight. You’ve got to figure out your fighting style, and learn how to fight.” Mattie’s first response was, “I don’t want to.” She went on to say, “I think the issue was, I didn’t know how to fight him fair… Fighting is a form of communication, so if you don’t master that, it will slowly bleed into other aspects of your relationship.”
An extremely shiny jewel was dropped when Jasmine added that having a fight is an indicator that there’s a communication issue. A fight doesn’t mean you end a relationship.
“If you can identify the triggers in your relationship, it’s a huge game-changer,” Mattie said. This leads us to rule #3, which I think we all can relate to… we all have triggers, so don’t push me.
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All is fair in love and war, but when you’re married or in a relationship, you have to realize you’re on the same team. “In relationships, there is no individual win, it’s either WE win or WE lose,” Chris said, and the panel agreed with a collective head nod. Mattie added, “And that’s what Chris taught me. I realized that marriage is a team sport. I was so focused for, like, the first half… if I’m being really transparent with y’all, [for] the first six years of my marriage… I was trying to beat Chris at marriage. Then I was like, but girl, he’s on YOUR team!”
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