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Dear Single Mothers, I See You
by Jasmine Raheem
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May 12, 2023

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Dear Single Mothers, I See You

Courtesy of Jasmine Raheem

As cliché as it sounds, motherhood has changed my entire perspective on life. Motherhood has taught me the real concept of sacrifice, selflessness, and love on a level that I never knew existed. Although being a mother is rewarding and is the best thing that has ever happened to me, there have been some dark and discouraging moments. No one ever told me how lonely being a single mother would be and how resentful it could make you. All I knew was that the moment I got pregnant, although I was in a relationship, I had to prepare myself to take care of this child by myself for the rest of my life. It didn’t matter what help I may or may not receive; the child would be my responsibility for life.

I got pregnant with my first child during my junior year of college when I was just 20 years old. Although the guy I was dating was not ready to be a father at the time, and my parents were disappointed in me, I made the decision to keep the pregnancy. Though the timing was not ideal, I had always dreamed of being a mom. I wanted to go through with it. I matured in so many ways during those 9 + months of pregnancy. I went to class from morning to afternoon and worked part-time from 4 pm to 9 pm every day at a car dealership. I traded in my little unreliable lemon, my 98 Nissan Altima, and leased my first car. I wanted everything to be perfect for my baby’s arrival. My mom and I went baby shopping every chance we got, setting up and preparing for the baby’s arrival. I witnessed so much growth in myself in such a short time. I was no longer the same Jaz that went to campus parties every weekend and stayed up to 3 am clowning and being carefree. I now had responsibilities. My baby taught me discipline even before her arrival. 

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Courtesy of Jasmine Raheem

Although my pregnancy was one of the most exciting times of my life, it was also the first time I experienced domestic violence. I was six months pregnant, and I remember vividly waking up at 5 a.m. My boyfriend at the time was fully dressed, sitting in a chair, and was just staring at me and watching me sleep. I didn’t know what to think; all I know was that this wasn’t normal. He left and came back at 8 a.m. This time he was in a rage. The look I saw in his eyes was something I had never seen before. He found 2-year-old Facebook messages from another guy and assumed I cheated on him. He yelled in my face, punched holes in the wall, and began dragging me across his campus apartment. I had on just a t-shirt and underwear. As my back and legs were burning from being dragged, I tried to stand up in the kitchen, screaming and begging for him to stop; he pushed me down. I remember my body hitting the refrigerator before falling back to the floor. He instantly picked me up and snapped out of it as he cried in fear of hurting the baby. His roommate, who was also his teammate and line brother, tried to stop him. He asked me to sit in the hallway as he calmed him down. There I was in the hallway of his campus apartment, wearing just underwear and a t-shirt, crying with no phone and no one to help. I kept the violence a secret from my family all throughout my pregnancy because in a way, I still wanted to protect him. On June 1, 2011, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. She had the cutest little face and the deepest little dimples. That moment changed me. I cried so much because I loved her and wanted to do nothing more but protect her and take care of her. This was a feeling I had never experienced, but it was the greatest feeling in the world. My mommy instinct kicked in immediately, and the instant level of maturity and responsibility I attained was incredible to me. Having just a year left of school, I dropped out and began to work full time to care for my baby. My parents were such a great help and support system to me. My daughter and I lived there, and my mom did everything for the baby while I worked. I resented her father in a way because he was still able to stay in school. The violence continued, and eventually, I decided to leave. He went on to pursue his career as a professional athlete.

Courtesy of Jasmine Raheem

I continued to raise my daughter as a single mother with the help of my support system. Working a dead-end job and living paycheck to paycheck was not what I had planned for my future, but I did it with pride, knowing that my daughter was well taken care of. I eventually entered into another relationship. Although, this time I had hoped for marriage, it just didn’t happen. Though that relationship wasn’t abusive like the first, it lacked the emotional aspect. This guy was emotionally unavailable. He did not understand why I wanted to be married and why I didn’t want to be a baby mama for a second time. After being in that relationship for several years, I got pregnant with my son. It was bittersweet because although I loved being a mom and welcomed the idea of having more, I wanted it to be the right time. I discovered that he had been unfaithful with multiple women. I mentally checked out. Although he was there for me physically throughout the pregnancy, there was no emotional connection. I knew that the relationship was going nowhere fast. I gave birth to my son on my dad’s birthday, September 2, 2016. I felt the same amount of joy that I felt when I gave birth to my daughter. 

I knew I had to kick things up and get myself together. I reenrolled in school and was determined to finish and get my degree. I continued to co-parent with my son’s father and still had the support of my family. I worked overnight shifts and went to class first thing in the morning. It was definitely a struggle, but I knew it had to be done. I went to therapy and worked out regularly. I wanted to be the best version of myself for my children. Although I loved being a mom, it hurt me seeing all my friends that I started school with graduate on time. Every graduation season that came, I felt a sense of sadness. I was determined to get it done. The level of ambition that motherhood gave me was unexplainable. 

Courtesy of Jasmine Raheem

Soon after my son turned 1, I reunited with my old friend (and sneaky link), who after six months, became my fiancé. The amount of love and support he gave me was something I had never felt before. I admit that it was hard to trust him and his intentions at first. But the way he moved and spoke about providing a better life for us, I knew he was the one. My children gravitated to him immediately, as did his children to me. Everything he said he would do for us, he did it without hesitation. I had never experienced this in a relationship before. We formed a blended family and soon, surprisingly, were expecting our miracle baby. I had gotten pregnant with an IUD contraception. I continued to work, go to school and carry on with one of the most painful pregnancies ever. Despite all obstacles, I finally graduated at the age of 28. I walked across the stage with my third bun in the oven while my husband, kids, parents, and friends cheered for me. That moment was so emotional for me. I was so happy that I finally did it. Now I’m living the life that I once dreamed about it. I would have never imagined having a good career, a house in a great neighborhood, and a husband who takes care of us. Motherhood, especially being a single mother, has shaped me in so many ways. At times it set me back, but in other times it motivated me in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. In a way, I grew up right along with my children. Here are some tips for single mothers who are experiencing some of the same struggles that I have:

  

    1. Take care of yourself.Often times as mothers, we neglect our well-being. We do everything for everyone and forget about ourselves. Go to therapy, work out, schedule outings for yourself, and meditate/pray. This will make you happier and healthier. Your children will see the difference and love you for it.

 

    1. Don’t be too prideful to ask for help. Although as mothers and women, we feel like superwomen, we simply are not. Tapping into your resources and leaning on your support system can make a world of a difference. I had to learn that the hard way. Suffering in silence can lead to so much unnecessary stress. You’d be surprised how many people are willing to help and want to see you win!

 

    1. Celebrate small wins.Remaining positive even through the tough times will attract more positivity your way. I had no time to focus and harbor on negativity, I had kids that paid very close attention to me. I wanted to set a positive example for them. Tough times are only temporary.

 

Courtesy of Jasmine Raheem

 

  • Make your children a priority. I have lost friendships, turned down job opportunities, and ended relationships because it wasn’t conducive to my job as a mother. Know that anything that is for you, will not compromise your motherhood. You will know that job, or friendship, or relationship is right for you when it serves not only you, but your children. You will be rewarded by your selectiveness. Everything will eventually fall into place.

 

 

 

  • Love after pain is possible. If someone would have told me that I would have gotten married after being a single mother of 2, I would not have believed them. After experiencing so much trauma, I didn’t feel worthy of love. I thought no one would want me. Be open to being loved the right way. Go on dates and explore your options! Trusting is hard, especially after having so many bad experiences. Know that it’s ok to let your guard down. Pay attention to red flags and move on when needed. Once the right one comes along, your children will enjoy witnessing you being loved correctly.

 

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