Licensed clinical psychologist Joy Harden Bradford (better known as Dr. Joy) is calling for Black women to go deeper in sisterhood and explore the healing power that our commuity has. The award-winning podcast host’s new book “Sisterhood Heals” discovers the ways in which your present-day relationships with Black women have been influenced by your past, the recurring role you play in your friend group and how it influences your relationships, and new strategies to grow and sustain healthy, nurturing friendships as well as how to rebuild after a rupture. In celebration of the launch, Black Love’s Managing Editor and Wellness Founder Yasmine Jameelah spoke with Dr. Joy on the nuances of sisterhood, how we can grieve sisterhood ending, and what she hopes we will all take away from the book.
Dr. Joy: So “Sisterhood Heals” actually initially was supposed to be an in-person event and then we had the pandemic. And so I had a conversation with my literary agent about what we were planning to discuss that weekend and what kinds of topics we wanted to cover. And then that kind of became the outline for the book. But then as I thought more about it, it felt like a very natural place for my first book to focus on, because it feels like so much of what we do at Therapy for Black Girls really is centered. On sisterhood and our relationship with one another, as well as my own personal experiences with knowing that sisterhood and healing typically happens in community. Right. Our girls are sometimes the first ones that know that something is going on with us. And so it felt like a very natural and important place to start. Especially when you said our girls are usually the first ones that notice or we talk to with things going on with us.
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Yasmine Jameelah: There’s so much power in communal healing, and I believe that it is imperative to incorporate sisterhood as a part of our wellness journey. But I’m also curious if there’s a balance and a way to determine how much to turn to our sisters. How do we let them know that we want to lean on them, but also have some tools to be able to support ourselves?
Dr. Joy: I definitely don’t think sisterhood is like a substitute for therapy right? But I do think we cannot deny the important role that support plays in our mental health. There’s been all this research that talks about prolonged loneliness and isolation being as dangerous for us as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Yasmine Jameelah: Are you serious?
Dr. Joy: Yes, and when you think about our circles and who the people are that are important to us, people that pour into us, that has a huge impact on our mental health. But I do think you bring up an important point around boundary setting. Because your support system, of course, wants to be there for you. You are most often a part of somebody else’s support system, but you can’t be a therapist for other people even if you are a therapist. Right? Like, there is still a line. I think a part of being a part of somebody’s support system is recognizing when they may need additional resources, right? So that might mean helping them to find a therapist or getting them connected to a support group in their area or finding other online or in-person resources to be able to connect them with. And not as a way of saying, like, okay, you’re too much for me, but as a way of saying, I really care about you, and I feel like I have done all I can, and I want to make sure you get what you need. And so here are some other things that may be helpful to you.
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Yasmine Jameelah: Yeah, but what you said is so interesting. I did not know that. And so I have thoughts even based on that and what you just shared, because I think that the isolation and things that we’ve suffered from, I feel like even in my own personal life, there are still so many aspects of my life that I feel like I’m recovering from the pandemic. There’s this misconception that we’ve moved on, but have we? So what you said, even in terms of isolation, that really does really bring a up a valid point. But as we age and as we grow into women, our sisterhood changes. We go from being young girls that have all this time for each other, right, to grown women trying to navigate the world as Black women and it makes it hard to see your sisters and your friends as much. So how can we prioritize sisterhood as our lives change?
Dr. Joy: I think it really starts with us making sure that we have a mindset shift around the relationships our girls play in our lives. So much of our socialization, so much of our society really focuses on romantic relationships being the center of our lives. We know even all of those stresses that you just laid out. I’m also thinking through my mind, like all of my girls that have been there for all of those life changes, right? And so I do think it is important for us to make sure that we are spending just as much energy, just as much intention on making sure that those relationships are solid and not taking them for granted. And so I think many of us live by our calendars, but sometimes we feel like we don’t need to put dates with our girls on our calendar because it feels like, oh, do I need to do all that to see my girls? But as you’ve laid out, like, yes, you do. And so even months ahead, even looking for 2024, can you already put some stuff on the calendar for when you’re going to see one another so that you can kind of schedule around that as opposed to trying to fit your girls into an already very busy life? I think doing as much forward planning as you can as possible and also just making sure that you try to stay connected even virtually. Right? So I think group chats are incredibly helpful other ways that we communicate with one another, just to let people know that you care.
Yasmine Jameelah: One of the things that I really found interesting with “Sisterhood Heals” is that it was focused on a group of women. And when I was growing up watching shows like “Girlfriends” and “Living Single,” I thought my friend life was going to be like that, right? Where we were always with each other, always at each other’s houses, always spending all this time together. And now I’m like, I don’t really know if that’s true for everyone. How can we manage our expectations in that to desire this life that is centered in sisterhood in that way?
Dr. Joy: As beautiful as shows like that were, in a lot of ways, it kind of set us up a failure, didn’t it? Although I will say that I do feel like I am seeing more conversations around people kind of being in more communal spaces like friends renting apartments in the same building. I think if you have the freedom and the resources to be able to do something like that, there is nothing wrong with you and all your girls living in the same neighborhood. Because I think again, to our earlier conversation around mental health and being able to have a community that you know, in that way you can’t really decrease the benefits from that. So I think if you can do that, then I think that’s great. But I think most of us probably do not have that luxury. Right? And so again, I think it is about being intentional and giving ourselves permission to have some difficult conversations. Because I think as our lives change so when stuff gets busier with work or we bring babies into the family, I don’t think we always do a really good job of having conversations around how those friendships change. We don’t and we also don’t discuss that we’re grirving thee old dynamics. And we’re grieving, right? If we came from going to undergrad together or having our single lives together, we could freely go about and now things change. I think being able to say to one another, like, “I really miss you. I understand there are some great things happening for you, but I really miss you, and I hope that we can find some time soon to reconnect.”
Yasmine Jameelah: I love the way you just said that because it teaches to instead of leaning into that frustration, to lean into the honesty of what you’re saying. So while we’re discussing showing up, I don’t know if you’ve seen all the debates online of the friendships ending over a birthday party and friends not showing up and things like that. As we’re talking about sisterhood and the evolution of it, how can we even manage the expectations or have open conversations with our friends for their special days?
Dr Joy: What often happens is that we have all these expectations for how things are going to look, right? So birthday parties, engagement parties, baby showers, like all of these things. But we don’t often voice that to people and we expect that they will just know in a lot of ways it’s because of how we show up for other people, right? Like I’m the one going all out for people’s birthday. I’m making sure I have these great gifts. And then we expect that other people will just know that. We expect them to show up in that way when people often don’t. And it’s not because they don’t care, maybe that they are wired differently or maybe birthdays are not that big of a deal to them, and so they don’t think that they are that big of a deal to other people. And so I think what often will help to cut down on some of that frustration is being very clear and direct with what we expect from people. So if you are a big birthday person, you need to let your friend group know like hey, listen, I know everybody does not celebrate birthdays like this, but this is how I like to celebrate birthdays, right, and be very open with people around how you want them to show up for you.
Now, that may not be something that you’re able to do, right? Because I think another point of tension is sometimes like finances, right, and being able to travel for these big birthday things and whatever. But I think if a friend has expressed to you like, hey, birthdays are a really big deal to me, but you know that you can’t afford it, I do think that you can then go to them and say I really want to celebrate you. I know that birthdays are a big deal for you, can I take you to lunch before you leave for your trip or something like that so that you’re still marking the occasion. But it may not look like exactly what this person expected, but I think we often expect people to read our minds, and then, of course, they don’t, and they fail to meet up to our expectations. And then we’re angry, as opposed to being direct in our ask and letting people kind of then show up for us in the ways we’ve asked them.
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Yasmine Jameelah: I couldn’t agree more. One of the things that you said, even in terms of the promotion of “Sisterhood Heals,” you talked about the power and the liberation in Black sisterhood. Why do you think there’s something so unique about it? I find even in myself now that even with other friend groups and just being open to friend groups that look different, right, with all different types of women. But I find that I am my safest with Black women that know me, that love me, and that have seen so many different versions of me. But from a clinical perspective, I’d love to know if there’s any psychology behind that and just the levels of safety that we feel together, that we often don’t feel with anyone else.
Dr: Joy: There’s something incredibly powerful about having so much sameness to our lives even though we are very different. We come from different places, different family backgrounds, all kinds of things. But there is a very particular experience, I think, of being a Black woman in this world that I think we do share in a lot of ways. And so I think it’s hard to kind of tap into that if you have not really experienced that in real time for yourself. And so I think that that is a part of where the safety comes from is that another Black woman is the only one who knows. Like okay, if somebody makes a side comment in the meeting, like we are looking at each other with this knowing glance like did they just say what I think they said? Right, but you have to have a particular lived experience to often even catch some of that commentary. And so I think because we are very that experience is unique to us. We know what it means to be able to be a safe space for other people, and we know some of the struggles.
Yasmine Jameelah: When we come together in those unique experiences, how can we bring those bonds to the next level like “Sisterhood Heals” is calling for, and what does that next level, what does that look like for us to increase the heights of sisterhood?
Dr. Joy: I really think it goes back to our earlier conversations about difficult conversations because I think as much as there is this celebration and affirmation, I think because we also know each other intimately, that is also where some of the pain can come, right, is that we know how to deliver a blow or we know what your deepest insecurity is. And I think we have just to be making sure that we’re handling each other with care even in some of those difficult conversations. And so being able to hold space for the idea that two things can be true at the same time, right?
You mentioned earlier how our lives change when we get engaged and have babies. And I have found that that is one of the most difficult times in friendships with Black women is because we are not able to hold those two things true. So if I am somebody who has wanted to be married for a long time and my best friend gets engaged before I do, and then I may not be dating somebody seriously, that can often cause tension right? And it’s not that I’m not necessarily happy for my best friend. I’m happy for her. And I’m also really sad that this thing has not happened for me. But because we don’t often have practice saying these difficult things, what ends up happening is that we get really passive-aggressive. So I’m not ordering the right bridesmaids dress, or I’m showing up to the bridal shower late like that Girlfriend’s episode with Joan when she was folding towels.
Yasmine Jameelah: Can we also talk about the part of sisterhood that I think we don’t necessarily speak on often is like the end of a sisterhood and holding space for something new. So what does that look like when you have those sisterhoods? Thankfully, I’ve had friendships since high school that I’ve maintained, and even when we weren’t on the best terms, sometimes we found our way back. But then I also have those friends whose relationship ran its course, grateful for it, but that was that. How do you make sure that you don’t harden yourself, just, like, with love, right, when you’re wanting to be open to a new relationship? I feel like we don’t talk about being closed off to new friendships in the way that we do for relationships. We talk about remaining open to love, but we don’t always talk about remaining open to sisterhood and friendship. So how can we do that to even leave room for new sisters?
Dr. Joy: We don’t give the same weight to our friendship breakups and we should. And if we have a romantic relationship that breaks up, like people are rallying around us, they expect us to be sad for a while. There’s a whole drill that happens after your girlfriend has a breakup, right? But we don’t have that same drill for friendship breakups. And so what often happens is that we are left experiencing what we call disenfranchised grief. And what that means is that you are grieving, but there is not that same level of ritual and care that is given to the loss of a parent or a breakup. So often, people are dismissive of your grief and make you feel like, oh, you got plenty of friends, you’ll be fine, or plenty of people to make friends with, it’s okay if you lost this one. But it doesn’t really give weight to the significance that these friendships really have in our lives, because with girlfriends, especially if they’ve been around for some time, you probably have your own language with this person. They know where all the bodies are buried. There’s this whole world that you have created with this person. And when that friendship ends, so does that world. And so it feels difficult to figure out, like, okay, well, who can even occupy this kind of space for me anymore? And so I think it’s really important that when you have a friendship breakup, if that is a part of your experience, that you give yourself time to grieve that loss. And so that means surrounding yourself with people who will not make you feel bad or that you’re being silly about grieving. Sometimes that may mean talking with a therapist or finding some kind of support group for people who are in a similar situation so that you have a space to really express your feelings about everything that has happened.
Yasmine Jameelah: What do you hope that Black women gain from “Sisterhood Heals”? And how would you recommend that we read it?
Dr. Joy: Its truest form, it is meant to be read in the community. So it is very much a group chat book. It is very much like, oh, I saw this on page 26. Let me show you what Dr. Joy said kind of thing. And there are some parts of it like the four different types of sister friends. So are you the wallflower, the leader, the peacemaker, or the firecracker that is meant for you to kind of have a conversation in your circles around how you all are showing up and how you can do a better job of supporting one another. And so I really wanted to be a book that inspires action. So both conversations around how are we showing up, how can we be doing a better job, but also behavioral changes in terms of interacting with sisters that you don’t even know. Right? So there’s a large part of the book that talks about our personal relationships, but there’s also a lot that talks about the global sisterhood and just how we can kind of be better stewards to one another and to sisters that we don’t even know. I really want it to be something that people read and then do something with. So changing your mind around how you can show up for people, being kinder and gentler with the Black women in your life, making sure that you are creating opportunities in your workspace for other Black women who are following behind you, really doing something with the information that you’re taking from “Sisterhood Heals.”
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford’s book “Sisterhood Heals” is available for purchase today. Support her book and learn more about her work at hellodrjoy.com.
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