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How to Grieve Women Friendships That No Longer Serve You
by Ajeé Buggam
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April 1, 2024

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12 Minute Read

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How to Grieve Women Friendships That No Longer Serve You

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As women, there is nothing quite like our long-standing friendships — often full of depth, vulnerability, and the thought of the friendship lasting forever. In the last few years, I’ve lost some close women friendships that I never thought would end. The emotional pain of these losses made it hard to let go, but with time and a lot of self-reflection, I’ve learned to be at peace with the endings. 

I’ve learned that acceptance is vital for our growth; choosing to do your best to repair a friendship is great, but if both parties can’t align on a similar page, it’s essential to let go and trust that, that too, serves a purpose. 

Lessons to Learn

Going through my first round of women’s friendship breakups in my mid-20s felt unfamiliar, shocking, and sad. I recall the unwinding of those friendships so vividly: trying to fight for what wasn’t aligning for some time, then being upset and let down that things ended, then eventually picking up the pieces and asking myself what role I played in the relationship ending. 

Was I being intentional and clear to myself first with what I needed in those friendships? Or was it just similar interest, familiarity, super appreciative of the highs, and sliding the lows under the rug? Working through our part is uncomfortable, but it’s a needed experience for choosing healthier platonic relationships moving forward.

I asked some women for their perspectives on what they learned from their long-term women friendship breakups, and they had some interesting perspectives. 

“After going through a long-term women friendship breakup, I can say that it taught me to stand on my own two feet,” says Dominique Panton, a designer and stylist from Brooklyn, New York. “I want to treat myself in the way I always wanted them to. I’ve learned that their own judgment clouded my opinion of myself. In the end, you are all you have, so even though it’s nice to have another person in your corner, you are the first person to be there for you.” 

Sometimes, the rainbow at the end of a journey is to learn more about yourself from different life experiences, and at times, that comes at the cost of losing loved ones.

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Aliyah Dean, rehabilitation specialist coordinator from Pennsylvania, advised, “Something I have learned through friendship breakups was that community is necessary for women, but communities change and look different in different seasons of your life. More than anything, I learned friendship is a choice. I have the right to choose who is in my community, and the other party also has that choice.” 

The older we get, the clearer life becomes. We aren’t in the same school or work environment or don’t live five minutes from each other, and that’s when we see friendship for what it truly is. Who chooses to call us to check in, spend time with us, and work through conflict when things don’t go according to plan? It’s often a choice to be a thorough friend. 

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“For a while, I approached friendships with one foot in the door and one foot out,” Dean says. “I kept some cards close to my chest while simultaneously trying to lean into others — a paradox. I received innocent feedback from friends, who described me as stoic, and questioned if I would still stay friends with them after college. It made me realize that I value them, and it hurt to know that past friendships were impacting the beautiful ones I had now.” 

Healing is a messy process, so we must forgive ourselves for not always getting it right and lead by effectively communicating where our minds and hearts are, so our loved ones won’t take it personally.

Licensed clinical social worker Lena Suarez-Angelino, advises, “Allow yourself to feel the emotions, whether they may feel conflicting, such as sadness and pain, or relief and freedom that the friendship is no longer active. Take some time alone and reflect on what types of friendships align for you now.” 

Human resources executive Modielle Calder echoed a similar sentiment: “The friendship breakups certainly made me more cautious when building relationships, but it also made me recognize any red flags in myself and others. I’m hesitant and cautiously optimistic about opening up, but I’m also open-minded because I’ve experienced beautiful friendships with women with whom I didn’t expect to build a friendship.” 

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I feel a similar sentiment to Calder; I used to pride myself on making friends easily. However, after losing a few close friendships, I became hyper-aware of meeting new people and was quite selective in growing close to new individuals. Being open to new friends is essential because we need different support in different time frames in life. Discerning what type of support you need is critical to building harmonious bonds. 

Panton mentioned, “I can honestly say that it didn’t affect how I approach friendships, but it did affect the title I give friends. I’m no longer quick to label them as ‘best friends.’ I have close friendships and amazing friend groups. I’m never hesitant to make a new connection since losing a close friend didn’t leave me that jaded. [The experience] taught me to be more up-front and approach issues head-on instead of sweeping them under the rug. It’s part of the growth, and it’s been one of my favorite things I’ve gained since that loss.” And just like that, sometimes our losses also contain our most significant wins. 

Self-Reflective Questions to Ask Ourselves After Friendship Breakups

“After a friendship breakup, consider reflecting on what the friendship taught you, how it contributed to your growth, and what boundaries or qualities you now value in relationships, says Amanda Stretcher, LPC-S, a licensed professional counselor. “When I made new friendships with other women, I realized I needed a vital ingredient in relationships: reciprocity. I chose to be the fixer and be others’ emotional backbone, not realizing that not meeting my emotional needs inevitably leads to resentment.

“Our relationships as adults can recreate patterns in relationships from our childhood and adolescence,” she continues. “Be open to exploring where the friendship and the end of the friendship may awaken past wounds. Reflect on what you did well and if there was anything you could have done differently. It’s also helpful to acknowledge any feelings of loss or regret as part of the healing process.” 

In hindsight, I noticed that I was attracting close women friendships that looked similar to my nest; they had a limited emotional intelligence capacity. And though I was sensitive and felt deeply, I too wasn’t the most tactful in supporting my ex-friends through hardships that I regret now that I know better. Through the healing process, I gained tools to show up better for myself and others. 

Self-Care While Grieving

Stretcher advises, “Prioritize activities that nurture you, such as spending time in nature, journaling, or pursuing hobbies that bring you joy. Be mindful of behaviors that may not serve you during this time. Consider healthy boundaries around things like social media. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss and seek support from other friends or a therapist. Grief is not a linear process.” 

In times of grief, feeding our spirit with the small stuff — such as journaling, reaching out to our loved ones for support, or using that mute or unfollow button on Instagram — goes a long way. 

A Word of Encouragement

For younger women experiencing friendship breakups, remember that the friendship wasn’t a waste of your time if it no longer aligns. Be grateful for what was and work on being open to fruitful relationships to come. Calder reminds us, “Be true to yourself! Do not overlook or ignore your emotions, wants, and needs for anyone. It’s okay to be open to compromising at times, but not to your detriment. If that means you lose a friend, it probably wasn’t a true friendship anyway.” 

Lastly, Panton says, “Remember not to dim your own light to make others comfortable. Your friend should want to raise you up the same way you would do for them. Confrontation is normal. Do not sit on issues that need to be discussed. Overall, be the friend you want, and the right people will come.” 

All in all, most friendships are seasonal, and it’s okay; let’s be grateful for the precious times together and move on to better bonds in the future.

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