I Found Love on Hinge and Haven’t Looked Back

When I first met Richard Ashun, I thought he was too good to be true. 

We’d been chatting for a few weeks after matching on Hinge. I was home in California for the holidays while he was in New York City, spending his time between overnight nursing shifts at his hospital and Christmas  with his family. Prior to our meeting he’d been laying it on thick: jokingly asking me for my ring size, while I tried hard to keep my expectations low, low, low. I don’t like to describe myself as bitter—maybe bitter-sweet? A formerly hopeless romantic with a few scars. My therapist liked to say my problem with dating was that I was in such a rush to get to the future that I put too much pressure on the present. Like, I’m ready to define the relationship after the third date. “I’m not getting any younger than here.” screamed the 24-year-old who literally had the rest of her life to find a partner. After a few disappointing breakups, I was working hard to curb my “lover girl” inclinations and not get ahead of myself. But, boy, was he making it hard. 

On our first date we went to Blue, a gorgeous waterfront restaurant on Staten Island. I took the ferry there and pretended I was in an indie romance directed by Nora Ephron. He picked me up with a bouquet of yellow flowers—my favorite color—and a waist bead that he’d made with beads from his family’s home country. When I ordered a glass of riesling, he declined, saying he had to drive. Then we went to a bookstore where he bought the latest book I’d been eyeing and the cashier told us we looked cute together. On the ride home, I found myself wondering what kind of game he was playing. It wasn’t the gifts or the fancy seafood (I forced him to try oysters for the first time, which he said weren’t bad, but I later found out he had hated them). It was just how intentional he was. How straightforward. He made it clear that he liked me, from checking in with me at least once a day to remembering all the small details I told him about my life, my family, my friends. 

For months after this, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’d bring me flowers for no reason. He always wanted to hold my hand. He made jewelry in his free time and dressed to a T. He looked me in the eye when I spoke to him. He always had an idea for a date and he never pressured me into anything. He was the hero in the story, he was the one who would save you. He was generous, noble, sweet, and goofy. Tall, dark, and handsome. He was literally a knight in shining armor, and just a good, good person. My dad’s favorite dating advice to give me was to “protect my heart,” but I’d never been very good at this. I voiced this to Richard Ashun once, how despite his lack of red flags, and I was looking hard, I was unsure if he was being real or if this was some elaborate episode of a Punk’d reboot. I’d been through one too many relationships that started off hot then burned quickly. He said, “Noëlle, I’m trying to build a lasting relationship with you. I’m not here to abuse you or mistreat you. Is that clear enough?”  

After about two months he asked me to be his girlfriend and I immediately started to cry. But they weren’t tears of joy. I was afraid. I was not used to this. Yet it was everything I’d ever asked for. Had my years of reading Nicholas Sparks novels finally paid off or was I setting myself up for the worst heartbreak ever? I’d never thought of myself as having trust issues; on the contrary, I was too trusting. An ex of mine once told me he could read me like an open book. He later told me he never liked reading. Only when Richard Ashun asked me to be his girlfriend did I realize how much of my past relationship baggage I was still carrying. I was trying to find that balance between being realistic and being idealistic, between being open to love and being a fool in love. It just felt too good to be true. I didn’t trust love when I saw it. I remember when I first learned the phrase “ love-bombed.” When you’ve been love-bombed before, when you’ve been lied to before, when you’ve been let down or disappointed, it turns every kind gesture into a point of contention. You think you’re being smart, but really you’re self-sabotaging. It made me think of that song by Amel Larrieux. 

Fathers and lovers have lied,
rivers have flowed from my eyes.
Never seen love face to face.
Just seen it walking away.
Why would you think I would recognize
something that’s never been mine?

But I think it comes down to this: love requires vulnerability. It requires openness, it requires trust. It’s fine to look before you leap, but at some point you still have to make the jump. Love is a gamble. It’s a risk. The question was, was he worth it? Was he worth the risk?

Well, here we are a year later, and I think I can say: yes. Yes, he was. 

@noelledlilley when you’re dating the life of the party 😂 #boyfriend #relationships #relationshipgoals #dating #blacklove #blackcouple #jamaicanwedding #wedding #ghanatiktok #ghanaianmen #fyp #foryoupage ♬ The Assignment – Tay Money