I Love My Child…But I Don’t Love Being a Mom
by Nahshima Edwards
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December 14, 2023

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I Love My Child…But I Don’t Love Being a Mom

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I love my child, but — dare I say it — I don’t love being a mom. Motherhood is the most difficult life stage I have stepped into. Saying I love my child is an understatement; as someone who struggles with depression and suicidal ideations, I can tell you I’m only alive right now because of my son. He is everything to me: my one true love, the greatest gift I’ll ever receive, and I am blessed to be his mother. However, there are days when I dislike motherhood. It is hard, it is exhausting, it is trying. It is holding on to that last nerve to avoid flipping a table over. It is postpartum depression. It is feeling insecure in a body so magical and capable it grew and birthed life. It is being reduced by our partners to simply “housing their sperm.” It is wanting to breastfeed but the baby won’t latch, or you aren’t producing enough milk, or your milk ducts are blocked causing unbearable pain. It is feeling guilty often — because your toddler only wants to eat cereal, because you snuck a nap in while your toddler begged you to play, because you went out with the girls for a few hours, because you gave in and brought the damn melatonin, because you crave alone time, because you lost your temper, because you are sick and tired and need a break. 

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Life was easier before I became a mom, and sometimes, I miss it. 

After listening to an episode of “The Mama’s Den” Podcast titled “Who Are We Outside of Motherhood?” I began to think of that question more. The ladies discussed what it means to find yourself after having children, and I struggled with that because I feel like I lost myself since becoming a mom. When people ask me what my hobbies, interests, or passions are, I have to take a moment to think because honestly, I don’t know what I like anymore. There’s been a shift for me where my thinking is solely centered on others. I can tell you immediately what my son likes, what brings him joy, what peaks his interest. Before motherhood, I was working on publishing a book. I wrote to cope with my depression and anxiety and for a long time, it worked. Since becoming a mother, I’ve had writer’s block. It feels like more of a chore than a hobby I once loved.

This brings me to my next point; I only have energy to do nothing. Yes, NOTHING. In the podcast, the women touch on wanting stillness and rest. It is the concept of pressing a pause button for an overstimulated mother. As mothers we are expected to be everything to everyone: the cook, the maid, the nurse, the therapist, the caregiver. And because we take on all these roles society has given us, we are burnt out and depressed. You may notice the social media trend where a mom is exhausted throughout the day but stays up all night while the kids sleep to regain her independence. 

Ashley spoke about how she would stare at a wall for hours, disconnected from reality, and I felt that. Oftentimes I feel like I’m on autopilot — just checking off the many tasks in my head to make sure everyone else is taken care of. I feel like I’m just here to cater to the wants and needs of my families because if I don’t, the household will fall apart. 

I will admit, my husband isn’t as involved or helpful as I’d like him to be. Motherhood would be a lot easier if I had someone to share in the burden and carry the load, and yet I am doubtful of how much I want him to help. Felicia touched on this topic by saying “are you showing up the best way you can, the way I am showing up the best way I can.” I have a structure and a need for everything to be done as I see fit, and he constantly tries to fight me on it. I admit that I need to give him the reins so I can get relief, and that is a flaw I’m working on. But I also need him to understand that I do certain things because it makes motherhood easier for me. 

For example, my son is still not potty trained and has regressed two times. He asks for milk at bedtime to sleep but I’m trying to help him get through the night dry. Rather than finding other ways to help him sleep, my husband will give in and give him the milk. Here’s my issue with that: he does not wake up in the middle of the night to do pull up changes, he does not clean the bed and do the laundry if Aiden leaks through said pull-up, he is not as hands on with potty training during the day. Melanie brought up a good point: if you are offering help, let it be to make my life easier and not harder. That being said, I agree with the points each lady made about fathers making the same efforts and showing up in ways we would as mothers . It’s “Challenging them to step up,” as Ashley said. 

Society expects mothers to be superhuman, and while I have no doubt we can do it all, we shouldn’t have to. We deserve rest, we deserve peace, we deserve grace. The podcast touched on pushing past those uncomfortable feelings of doing something for yourself. The notion of not feeling guilty for indulging in self-care because your children would want you to be happy. The ladies also addressed how difficult it can be to “tap out” of being a mother when doing something for yourself. For instance, even when I’m out having a day to myself, I am constantly thinking about Aiden and what needs to be done once I return home. It’s me having anxiety about if he ate, if he got a bath, if he will be ready for bed on time, and so on. It is a never-ending battle of wanting to relax and enjoy your time but also wanting to be present and available for your family at every moment. 

There is stigma surrounding mothers needing an identity outside of motherhood. We are expected to focus solely on family and forget about our wants and needs. Ashley was very transparent in discussing the challenges of making yourself a priority in addition to your children. She explains that the two can co-exist. I relate to this because I struggle with accepting that while my child often comes first, I can put myself first as well. That said, motherhood is finding a balance between caring for your children and still nurturing yourself. Before you have a child, you only wake up to yourself. It’s easier to cater to and prioritize yourself because there is no one else. It would be an easier journey if we can still find the importance in ourselves outside of motherhood. 

As I navigate motherhood, I make a conscious effort to also learn who I am outside of being a mother. More recently, I have started writing again and establishing my blog on medium, doing Bible study 1-2 times a week, exploring fitness classes, and practicing positive affirmations with mindful meditation. Most importantly, I’m the creator of the platform “Mothers Need Healing.” The goal of MNH is to provide a support system for women and their mental health as they navigate the highs and lows of motherhood. I wanted to create a safe space for mothers to get the help and healing they deserve. While these are only a few steps I’ve taken towards discovering my identity outside of motherhood, it is crucial that I start somewhere. For me to be the best mom to my son, I need to be the best “Me” to myself and I will continue to find what brings me peace. 

With the chaos of the holidays coming up, I encourage you to make time for self-care. While you manage decorations, prepare for holiday photos, cook for your family, and coordinate any festivities, take a moment to appreciate yourself outside of being a wife and/or mother. The same amount of love and energy you pour into your family must be poured into yourself. How you love and treat yourself during this hectic time will reflect in all you do so make a conscious effort to focus on you. Whether taking yourself to your fave cafe while shopping, listening to your favorite album/podcast while gift wrapping, or taking the day to pamper yourself at the spa; do what makes you happy. Pick out ornaments for the tree that speak to you specifically as a person. For example, that random sombrero ornament that reminds you of a girl’s trip you took in college. It could also be something as simple as a favorite color or one that makes you smile every time you look at it. Don’t just do activities your family enjoys; Incorporate what you love. If it’s ice skating, do that. If it’s caroling, do that. If it’s just sitting by the fireplace with hot chocolate, do that. Be as vital to yourself as you are to your family. 

As for me, I’ll be focusing on my inner child because she’s every bit as important as the 29-year-old me. I’m building gingerbread houses, baking and decorating cookies for Santa, and doing a themed Christmas tree of MY choice. I’ve always wanted to go tubing or sledding, and now that the children are old enough, I have no excuse not to try something new. I’m dressing up for the holiday party –make-up, hair, the works! I’m hiring that babysitter and enjoying quality time with my husband. These are just a few ways I’ve decided to prioritize myself during the holidays. My wish for this season is that you find ways to incorporate self-care into your plans, too. 

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