Lessons I’ve Learned From My Husband on Fatherhood and Parenthood
by Raquelle Harris
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June 5, 2023

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Lessons I’ve Learned From My Husband on Fatherhood and Parenthood

Raquelle Harris with her daughter Cydnee, son Dillen, and husband Ben (Courtesy of Raquelle Harris)

Many women won’t pen a sweet social media post this coming Father’s Day because we didn’t grow up as a daddy’s girl. My biological father paid child support and picked me up for visits, but consistent emotional support and presence came from the village on my mother’s side of the family. My father is not a horrible person, but like many of our elders, he endured trauma from which he has never healed. Currently, we are estranged and haven’t spoken for the past two years. Knowing at my big age that parents are people first, it helps me to accept my father’s inability to be fully present for me, and it also explains why I appreciate my husband, Ben, for being an outstanding daddy to our children. He is a protective presence who is also caring, consistent, dependable, wise, and responsible. 

As we navigate this beautiful struggle of parenting a 19-year-old hybrid adult and a 12-year-old tween, we’re still learning and doing the best we can. I’m humbled by my husband’s patience and the lessons I learn from him daily. Here are some lessons that help me to be a better mother.

As long as it gets done, be done with it

Courtesy of Raquelle Harris

I’m a proud mama bear who has learned that my way of handling things isn’t the only way – and sometimes not the best way either. I often have to check myself, sit down somewhere, and let him do it his way because as long as it gets done, I need to be done with whatever it is. Whether he’s frying lobster tails in a stock pot or taking the scenic route while driving, it ain’t the way I would do it, but we still eat, and our son arrives at school on time. Controlling my control freak takes intentional work, and as our children have grown, it’s easier to let go of the tedious details of who, what, when, why, where, and how. Our home is much more harmonious when I don’t major in minors. Leaving it up to daddy is my new form of self-care. 

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Supporting roles often take the lead

Ben’s supportive role has often taken the lead with our kids, teaching me that I’m not the only one who can meet their needs, especially as they get older. There have been moments when I am overextending myself, and he shows me that it’s okay to rest. It’s okay if I don’t have the answer. It’s okay for me to pursue my dreams and goals. It’s okay because he is capable of handling the madness with the calm and diplomacy that I lack. It’s okay because he’s dedicated to giving our family his best. Those moments when he says, “I took care of it,” is a peace you cannot buy.

Courtesy of Raquelle Harris

Mothers aren’t the authority on nurturing

Mothers often make more work for ourselves when our kids are conditioned to come only to us for comfort and guidance. Since women are perceived as the originators of nurturing, we forget that men are fully capable of nurturing, and that it’s not inherent for all mothers. I nurture with hugs and kisses, and soothing words that can sometimes cross over into coddling. Ben shows me that challenging our children to be better is a different yet necessary form of nurturing. 

Keep your emotions in check

For me, parenthood is an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, I summon my chill; most times I have none at all. This is one of the biggest areas in which Ben’s laid-back, alpha male demeanor keeps me sane. He has his moments of vulnerability, yet his Capricorn energy brings the no-nonsense that is a must for raising Black children in America. Despite our Mars vs. Venus struggles, he’s helped me to discern the right time and place for my emotions. It’s sexy AF when he’s stoic, yet also compassionate during tough discussions or awkward moments.  

Be brave and admit when you’ve messed up

It’s okay for our kids to know that we aren’t perfect, that we don’t know everything, and we mess up. Preparing our children for this nutty world comes with acknowledging that we are all fallible and folks will sometimes disappoint our expectations. Leading our family takes a tremendous amount of sacrifice from Ben, yet he shows accountability (more often than not) when he makes a mistake. He’s also shown us that our faults do not define us and that change is possible after countless rounds of trial and error. Though he is stubborn, he will apologize verbally and through his actions.

Courtesy of Raquelle Harris

Perseverance leads to progress

I recall when Ben was hospitalized for a stroke, he was in school for graphic design and asked me to bring his laptop so he could keep up with his assignments. He has always been adamant about teaching our children by his example that success comes without excuses. Our daughter, Cydnee is entering her third year at Spelman College, and she is literally a boss babe when it comes to handling her business. Our son, Dillen, still needs prompting to pick his hair in the morning, but when it comes to playing basketball, he is focused on improving his game. He recently told Ben that one bad game doesn’t mean the end of his athletic career, it’s a chance for him to play better next time. The maturity of his response proves those lessons from daddy about preserving past obstacles, are finally starting to stick. 

As Father’s Day approaches, I reflect on these and other reasons why I chose to marry and raise a family with Ben. He has many traits like my maternal grandfather, who was more of a daddy/father figure to me than my biological father. Life is filled with uncertainties, but my husband’s love for our children is unbreakable and undeniable. 

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