
One of our favorite couples from Season 3 of Black Love recently celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary! For 17 days, Melissa Fredericks, aka Mrs. KevOnStage, shared 17 days of love lessons on IG to commemorate each year since the day they said “I do.” Here’s what Melissa shared that we resonated with most.
Resentment is a Silent Killer
Resentment is extremely dangerous in relationships because it intensifies with time and erodes your emotional connection. The truth is the longer you’re in a relationship, the more likely you are to have a case file of times you’ve been wronged by your partner. I get it! I have a file, lol! But I had to be careful about the narrative I was repeating to myself about those wrong doings, because resentment is on fertile ground when you constantly blame your spouse and then sit in those feelings of wrong doings.
1) Anger or short temper
2) A lack of empathy toward your partner
3) Focusing on the bad parts of your relationship
4) Criticizing your partner’s character
5) Tit for tat behavior or record keeping
6) Emotionally and/or sexually withdrawing
7) Blaming your spouse without taking accountability
Differentiation aka, Get You Some Business!
Yall know I love a good definition, so here is mine for differentiation: the act of getting you some business and goals that are independent of your spouse, kids, momma, daddy, Pastor, First Lady… basically everyone and everybody! This is soooo important! Being differentiated is really about showing up in the world as your authentic self, and being in tune with your needs, wants, desires, goals, ambitions, etc. It’s having a relationship and an understanding of and with self.
When I hear people (read: women) talk about losing themselves in relationships I often wonder if they had “business” outside of their role as mom and/or wife. To be clear, I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about finding out what fulfills you beyond the role that you took on when you said “I do” or became a parent. Being differentiated doesn’t mean you lose connection with people. In fact, it’ll help you connect with people better because you know who you are and you can show up more authentically. I believe we fear differentiation because we think it’ll tear us a part, and I want to be clear I’m not suggesting you have a completely different life, there should absolutely be overlap between you and your partner. BUT making yourself a martyr by sacrificing your desires is also very dangerous and leaves room for resentment to grow.
The long and short of it: get you some business!
What You Say Matters
Kevin and I were talking about the reason I feel very strongly about something. To be fair, a lot of it stems from how I was raised. So naturally I came into this relationship with a set of belief systems that I didn’t realize until I was triggered. What’s funny is the trigger didn’t happen until years into our marriage when Kevin said something that I haven’t forgotten. It struck a nerve with me because of my dad’s messages to me as a child. So now, I doubled down! I began to think: This is what my dad was talking about!
This is what’s interesting: Kevin’s comment stemmed from an incident we had in high school! Where I did something and he felt disrespected. Neither of us were aware of how those moments impacted us. I have to admit, us sharing our feelings was transformative! I realized that we were both operating for years off something we each said/did to each other that was hurtful but we never discussed. It made me realize that I am curating a perception and a reality that is fueled by the narrative I believe based on what I feel, see, hear, or assume. The combination of perception with an assumption…lord!
What Worked in One Season of Marriage Might Not Work in Another
There are 4 seasons in a year and each season comes with different wardrobe, tire, and shoe requirements. Some people completely overhaul their wardrobe with each season. Some people pack their winter clothes up as the weather starts to warm up. Some people purge their closet with each season. Regardless of your method, you won’t be wearing your winter coat in summer, or your tank tops and shorts in the winter! Have you ever considered the change of seasons in your relationship and what you might need to overhaul, throwaway, or stow away?
When you’re operating on information from past seasons you’ll be unprepared, ill-equipped, or ignorant in this new season because your data points are old, outdated, or no longer applicable. One of my biggest life regrets is a decision I made based on information from an old season in my life. While I was eventually given a second chance, that doesn’t mean it came without consequence. You know, like wearing shorts in the winter and getting frostbite. Did you die? No! But you’re also not unscathed. And getting frost bite might have long term consequences. As the seasons in your marriage change, so will what will be required of you. Be flexible, agile and sensitive enough to grow, evolve, and pivot accordingly. If you don’t, you’ll be holding on to a mindset that no longer suits, serves, or fits you, your spouse, or your marriage.
When is the last time you evaluated the season you’re in and if what you used to do is still working?
Sex. Have it. Prioritize it.
That’s it. That’s the lesson.
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Becoming Consumed With Being a Parent is Dangerous to Your Marriage
Your kids are important, they are! Lord knows I love my 2 boys! BUT! Becoming consumed with being a parent is dangerous to your marriage.
Kevin and I recently discussed how the transition of becoming parents had an impact on us in a way that we didn’t realize. We went from doing everything together as a couple, to splitting off because I stayed home with the boys while Kevin pursued his dreams. To be clear, I was never a SAHM, but when he was out doing shows that I would normally attend, I stayed home with the boys since we didn’t always have money for a babysitter. Fast forward to today, and I’ve recently been telling Kevin that we don’t work well together. When we look back, we realized that this started when we had kids. He was off making dreams come true, and I was working a traditional job and staying home with the boys.
I wish we had done things differently. I wish we were more intentional about maintaining our relationship. We are just now at a point of bridging the gap that split almost 15 years ago. It’s not easy. The lesson here is simple. Child rearing is a season, your marriage is a life time. Prioritize your marriage even while your child(ren) are young. Remember your partner and the reasons you fell in love. Dream together, develop goals together. Remember that when your kid(s) leave home, it’ll just be the two of you again…make sure when that time comes, you’re not looking at a stranger.
Marriage is Work
I used to HATE when people said to me: Marriage is so much work!! I truly didn’t get it! But after 17 years, let me tell you: Marriage is work! LOL. I hated this phrase because I believed the romanticized opposite, which is: ‘if it’s meant to be, it’ll be easy, natural, and organic. And we’ll never argue!”
The truth is somewhere in the middle. Some days or even years are really great and we’re vibing really well, and some days (or years) take a lot of work!
Marriage is complicated, hard, and even emotionally exhausting. I know folks might cringe at this idea, but it’s true! To be clear, I’m not talking about a toxic or abusive love. But I am talking about real life. Life can be hard, complicated, and emotionally exhausting. Shoot, 2020 was all of those things for me! And throw in a whole marriage to navigate on top of that! Yea chile, marriage is work and as life ebbs and flows, so does your relationship. And that’s ok, and even normal.I never liked the idea of #relationshipgoals because you unfairly measure your relationship against a false narrative of perfection of another couple. The truth is, we ALL have challenging times in our marriage. Nothing is perfect.
Note, abuse is not a season! It’s unacceptable. Period. Full stop
Thanking Your Partner Goes a Long Way
Honor is esteeming, encouraging, and acknowledging your partner for the work that they do.
A simple “thank you” goes a long way. And listen, I’m the worst at this! Words of affirmation is actually pretty low on my love languages, but without question, I want to feel appreciated, and so does my husband.
Learn the Difference Between Compromise vs. Accommodation
We often hear that relationships are about compromises. It’s true! They are! But, let’s discuss the difference between a compromise and an accommodation. A compromise is when you and your partner move from your initial positions toward each other to meet somewhere in the middle.
An accommodation is when one person fully gives in to their partner’s position. A common phrase you’ll hear in an accommodation is: “whatever you want to do is fine!” On the outside looking in, this can feel like a compromise, but it’s just a well dressed accommodation. It’s actually conflict avoidance. It’s important to understand the difference because if only one of you is being tasked with always accommodating you are leaving room for resentment to grow.
Conflict resolution is hard and you may think that by avoiding it, you’re actually doing the right thing. You’re not. I’m not suggesting that you be argumentative, but constantly accommodating is not a relationship win.
Don’t Forget to Be Spontaneous
For me, life is a rhythm, a cadence, a flow. It’s far more dynamic than placing items on a scale. There are times when my life is moving really fast and other times I can slow down and groove. I try to find the groove as life happens, so I can be spontaneous and *a little less* rigid. I’m a very checklist, by-the-book kinda girl, so this is very hard for me.
For Father’s Day this year, Kevin wanted a really chill weekend. So we randomly decided to do a little staycation at a hotel about 40 mins away. When we arrived at the hotel Kevin asked me, “why did you say yes to coming when you have a ton of work to do.”
I replied, “I always feel like I need to be the ‘no’ to your ‘yes’. I always have to be the voice of reason. I just wanted to be spontaneous with you.” We had a really great weekend, it was low key and relaxing, but more importantly to me, was that it felt spontaneous and fun. Adulthood is often boring and very predictable, spontaneity livens it back. Admittedly, I’m not the best at this, but I am promising myself a little more fun and spontaneity in my life this year!
Apologize to Your Partner and Kids (When You’re Wrong)
In my younger years, I have definitely been guilty of never apologizing out loud for my wrong doings. And I get it, there are ways to apologize without saying “I’m sorry” but, there is something very powerful and reconciliatory about saying “I apologize. I was wrong.”
Most recently, I shared with Kevin one of my biggest marriage regrets. No, it wasn’t infidelity, but it was a decision that if given the chance, I would do over. I not only expressed my regret, but I apologized.
I remember a while ago, someone called me to apologize for actions they committed years ago. By the end of the conversation, I felt like they blamed me and never took accountability for their wrong doings. If I’m being honest, I felt gaslit – I was beyond frustrated! Remembering how I felt is why I try to take accountability for my wrong. I interact with people who don’t acknowledge their wrong doings and it’s not pleasant. I don’t want to show up like that in my relationship and I don’t want my husband to feel like I’m blaming him for my wrongs.
Apologize to your partner (and kids, for that matter) when you’re wrong. It’ll only strengthen the relationship and starts the repair process.
Intimacy is Key
For most people when they think about intimacy they think in terms of sex or physical affection, but some people define intimacy as a connection that can be created through emotional connection, mental stimulation, or conversation. After 17 years, what I know for sure is that for ME, it’s a combination of it all. Based on what I seen, and was taught, I assumed the only way to be intimate was through sex. It took me a good long while to understand what I needed to feel connected, safe, and intimate.
Here are my key takeaways about intimacy:
- At its core, intimacy is about feeling safe
- All definitions of intimacy matter
Intimacy is creating an environment where you are confident enough to say no, but vulnerable enough to say yes
Dream Together
Truthfully, I’ve never been a dreamer. Like, ever. Even as a child, my “dreams” were always grounded by what I thought was possible. One of our Love Hour listeners gave us the analogy of the kite and string dynamic that often exists in relationships. I am without question the string. The epitome of a string, in fact. But, being married to a kite has taught me the value of dreaming beyond my circumstances.
Dreaming together allows you to share your wildest desires, and innermost aspirations with your partner, and then asking them to come along for the ride. When I think about it, dreaming together is a very intimate experience.As a string, it’s hard because you feel the responsibility to hold the family down. And sometimes the way you support can be misconstrued…I get it! I really do! But,I still want to encourage all my fellow strings, it’s ok to dream too! It’s ok to join in on your partner’s dream and it’s ok to share yours!
Wishing the happiest of anniversaries to Mr. and Mrs. Kev on Stage once again, for the full 17 days of love, follow @mrskevonstage on Instagram! And to see more of Melissa RSVP to Black Love’s You Retreat!
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