Credit: rawpixel.com

We’ve made it through the work week, and it’s Friday night. We’ve picked up dinner because I’m not cooking. My daughter is in her room doing her usual TikTok, FaceTime, Roblox marathon. Finally, we are sitting on the couch winding down — I’m ready for Netflix and chill, when he gives me that “come over” look…It’s the more than 15-years relationship cycle. He wants to “get busy,” but it’s the last thing on my mind; I simply have no sex drive. There are so many factors that have led to a sex drive in neutral. To name a few, there are body image issues, low libido, performance anxiety, loss of attraction, lack-luster environment, and infidelity.

When you go through high school and college wearing sizes 6-8 then two children later, you are wearing an 11-12, dressing up in Victoria’s Secret is not exactly what you want to do. There are stretch marks in places that I didn’t know could stretch, and bulges in places that are not complementary; I don’t feel sexy. Consequently, when I’m not feeling comfortable in my own skin, there aren’t any amount of compliments my husband can give that will make me want to be intimate. Add to that a low libido, caused partially by age and partially by a loss of serotonin that barely exists when you’ve been in a long-term relationship.

When the serotonin flame is low, outside competition like social media influences, porn acrobatics, and thirsty side chicks requires creativity and adventure in the bedroom — cue the performance anxiety. I mean, how can I compete with all of that?

Related Articles:
Is Your Sex Drive Low? These Reasons Might Be Why

Ever Wondered the Difference Between Intimacy and Sex? Let’s Break it Down

Masturbation Techniques for a Mind-Blowing Solo Sex Session

Credit: iStock

Then there are the factors that test your staying power. What do you do when you lose attraction to your partner whether physical or mental, when you are turned off by everything in your living space, and you have to struggle through the ultimate violation, emotional or physical infidelity? It’s at those moments that a deep reflection is necessary to determine if the relationship can last, and in that space, intimacy is a hard “no.”

Credit: iStock

So, you search for techniques to help you in your struggles. You work on you. You get a gym membership and are religious about your cardio, weight training, and eating habits. When results are slow, you get the private trainer who helps you to get results, and you’re feeling and looking great; temporarily, intimacy sparks are reignited, but temporarily. So, you call the counselor who helps you and your partner compartmentalize your issues and recommends sensate focus sex therapy to slowly find the intimacy and reconnect. She recommends scheduled date nights and figuring out how to channel the “freak” in you. So, you buy the Victoria’s Secret. You wear the “little black dress” for date night. You “sext” each other while at work, and you make time for intimacy — be it scheduled or spontaneous. Although I am still a “work in progress,” I am living testimony that 30 years into a relationship, the sex drive can be reignited.