There’s always been this stigma around singlehood, especially for women of a certain age. Sometimes people act like being single is some kind of waiting period before your real life starts, or they treat it like it’s some unfortunate experience that you have to get through. But in today’s digital age, women are publicly redefining what singleness means for them. We are seeing more women choose to be single. The reasons why can vary, but it seems that many Black women want to regain their own sense of independence, or they’re simply refusing to settle for less than what they deserve. 

Either way, women are now taking the reins of their single lives. More and more women aren’t just going on dates for the sake of going on dates, and they’re questioning their old dating patterns. In intimacy expert Shan Boodram’s YouTube series, Lovers By Shan, she talks with Netflix’s Forever actress Xosha Roquemore about singlehood, being a single mom, and her newfound view on her sex and dating life in her 40s. 

Xosha shares that she now has a deeper sense of agency over her love life at this stage in her life. When it comes to intimacy, Roquemore is taking her time and listening to her body on whether or not to move forward with someone. The 40-year-old actress says, “This last year I’ve really hit a pause. I’m not moving a finger unless I absolutely want to, and I feel comfortable, and it feels mutually beneficial.” 

“Especially as mothers, we’re not always able to put ourselves first. So I think with a dating life, I’m putting me first,” she adds.  

When asked about her feelings on being a single mother and navigating the dynamics and pressures of dating, Xosha says, “I don’t feel [any] pressure about it. I don’t feel embarrassed about it. I know this is silly, but I feel like you’re never single if you’re hot. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s my million-dollar take.” 

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She goes on to explain later in the interview how her perspective on dating has changed since her late 20s and 30s. Xosha says, “I feel like there’s so much value put on relationship status or being in relationships. From 28 to 37, it was all about finding a relationship or staying in a relationship that I had. Even if it was murdering me, I was going to try to hold on to it.”

“Now I just don’t care,” she adds. “I’m sure there’s another boyfriend or two in my future. I still feel cute, and I’m only 40, it’s not over. But I think I feel a little more comfortable knowing that if I never get married or if I don’t have a forever partner, I think I’ll be okay and I actually mean that.” 

The veteran actress made sure to note that she’s not done with dating, she’s just done with certain aspects of it. “I am done centering men, just in general in my life. I’m done centering men when I make decisions about what I wear, where I’m gonna go, like I’m just done centering men in that sense,” she says.

“I’m done trying to get a man, or chasing, or trying to make myself available, or seeing who’s swiping,” Xosha continues. “All of that, I’m done with. That’s all effort to me. The apps never worked for me because they required too much effort.” 

In past generations, being single at a certain age has been seen in a negative light. Now, women are showing that it’s okay to be single and there’s more to life than romance. They are showing lives that are rich and happy, that don’t focus on whether or not they have a ring on their finger. 

Shan reiterates this point in her conversation with Xosha, saying, “You put effort into living and that’s when I think dating makes the most sense or works the best. Because it’s like, I have a rich life and I wouldn’t mind doing things with people. Maybe I’ll meet people while I’m living that want to do these things with me.” 

Shan adds that dating doesn’t have to be “this separate thing that I have to conquer. I just live and I do things that I like and I hope along the way that I find people.”

In a world where there’s so much pressure put on dating, it’s refreshing to hear a woman share her journey of decentering dating and choosing to live a full, meaningful life while still remaining open to love. 

Singlehood is being reimagined. Women living full, vibrant lives, regardless of relationship status, are finally becoming the main characters in their own stories. Women have always brought more to life than who they choose to love, and today’s generation is leading by example.