Sterling K. Brown and Ryan Michelle Bathe Show How The Art of Disagreeing Can Lead to Beautiful Marriage at Black Love Summit
by Mariel Turner
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October 15, 2024

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Sterling K. Brown and Ryan Michelle Bathe Show How The Art of Disagreeing Can Lead to Beautiful Marriage at Black Love Summit

Sterling K. Brown and Ryan Michelle Bathe know that they are thought of as “relationship goals.” The couple are powerhouses in their careers with Brown winning accolades like a Golden Globe and Emmy, and Bathe appearing in hit shows like “The First Wives Club” and “All Rise.” They are raising two beautiful sons, Andrew and Amaré, together. Even their relationship beginnings — they met as freshman at Stanford University and became college sweethearts (sort of) — have the appearance of a sweet rom-com. But Brown and Bathe want you to know that they are not perfect.

The twosome, who wed in 2006, dished on their relationship and their new podcast, “We Don’t Always Agree,” at the 2024 Black Love Summit on Saturday, October 12, where they explained how they make their union work and the keys to their marriage. Their podcast title was chosen specifically to dispel the chatter that they are a picture perfect couple.

“Sometimes folks will come up to Ryan and I, and they’ll be like, ‘Oh, we love Sterling and Ryan, you guys are goals. To see you guys on the red carpet, it’s so beautiful and glamorous and representing Black love,’” Brown said while speaking to Black Love Summit moderator and Black Love co-founder Codie Elaine Oliver. “I appreciate it, but I think I never want to try to hold something up to the world that’s not real.”

“You see the good [in the relationship]. You see the good parts that come with being [a] celebrity and all this type of stuff, but there’s a lot of work that goes to get to that place,” he added. “If you’re going to give us goals, I kind of just want to dispel the idea that it’s all beauty all the time. These are two people that are really committed to the work of being in a relationship. Now, if you give us goals for that, that’s cool, but I just want to dispel that, ‘Man, it must be nice to be them.’ Everything seems so peachy keen, and hunky dory, and whatever white phrases I can think of to say at this particular moment, but it’s not. That’s what I kind of wanted to share with people so that they don’t feel like what they see is unattainable or unrealistic.”

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Brown and Bathe shared that they do have disagreements about a multitude of things, including parenting, chores, and decision making, the latter of which led to a particularly vulnerable moment during the panel. Bathe revealed that she sometimes struggles with indecisiveness as a result of her childhood traumas and upbringing. Her inability to make quick decisions has impacted their relationship, but the couple have found a way to face it together.

“What I have learned through my therapy and through my own personal journey is that when you come from a childhood where your attachments were unmoored a lot — I moved around a lot. I lived with other families. I was not in foster care. I do not want to make it seem like that, but I lived with my aunt for a while and her husband and her children,” Bathe explained.

“I think I have learned that when children are raised like that and they don’t have secure attachments and secure bonds; they don’t know what’s coming next and they don’t know where they’re going to be next year, next week, it makes you very, very, very — you don’t trust yourself and you don’t trust your instincts. I also didn’t always have people in my life that were like, whatever decision you make is going to be the best one.”

Brown added that Bathe “doesn’t make any decisions. The decisions get made by not making the decision.” The “This Is Us” actor said that he does not struggle with decision making and typically has clarity around the choices he makes, in contrast to his wife.

“We’re trying to figure this thing out, and she’s like, ‘Can I have a second Sterling, please? Can I have a second to just think about it? Do you need a decision right now?’ And so it is very — it’s tough,” Brown revealed. “But I do understand my wife has so many voices inside of her head that are telling her, ‘are you sure about that?’ So many. I consider myself truly blessed being next to her. I don’t have so many competing thoughts in my head. I do have grace for her because I don’t have as many people in my life who were as critical about the decisions that I made as an individual. When I make a decision, I’m like, ‘okay, I made the decision. It’s done.’ Ry makes the decision and the whole time she’s like, ‘I should have made another decision.’ That causes friction from time to time, but there is grace there too. I understand.”

Brown and Bathe also dived into family dynamics, a topic they touched on previously when they appeared on the acclaimed docuseries “Black Love.” Bathe talked about how the couple have overcome disagreements with her mother, who initially disapproved of Bathe’s relationship with Brown, and how Brown’s father helped put their relationship in motion before his death.

“[Outside influence] is another part of what we wanted to talk about [on the podcast],” Bathe said. “That we always have to be mindful of when — for the good and the bad, because it’s not all bad. There are some good things, but just being mindful of how your expectations of what a relationship should be or should not be are so very much influenced by what mama said, what auntie said, what uncle said. I mean, in good ways [too]. My favorite thing that I tell people is that Sterling’s father instilled in him, ‘always bring home a smart woman.’ His father passed away when he was 10 years old. I credit that man for our relationship to this day.”

“I am quite sure that if he had not had the influence on Sterling that he had, and if he had not said that, he may have been like, ‘a dummy is fine’,” the actress joked.

While Brown and Bathe may not have a perfect marriage, they do have one filled with love, acceptance, and joy — flaws and all. Brown ended the panel by gushing about his wife, sharing that their differences bring them the balance they need to be happy and fulfilled in their marriage.

“If we were the same, it wouldn’t be as much fun,” Brown said. “I think we chose each other and we chose each other for reasons — good, bad and ugly. You know what I’m saying? So, like, the times in which before I tried to date somebody who wasn’t an artist or [who was] a lawyer or whatnot, it wasn’t for me. I enjoy this [relationship]. It gets on my nerves sometimes, but I enjoy this. I love my wife!”

Make sure you check out their new podcast, We Don’t Always Agree with Ryan and Sterling, out on all audio platforms now!

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