Can I be honest with y’all? Loneliness has your girl in a chokehold, and I’m not about to lose this fight. It’s no secret that people feel more isolated and alone during these times, but damn. With the rise of digital communication, lack of physical intimacy and connection, people including myself are craving community and human contact more than ever. To be honest, living alone in a robust city like Los Angeles was already nerve-wracking. I moved here by myself so it was definitely a “different” transition coming from New Jersey where everybody knows everybody and you’re good on any boulevard. But for real, it became even more nerve-wracking when the pandemic hit. The friends and coworkers I met here moved back to their home states, or started families while local gathering spots, and churches closed for safety precautions. Small groups, happy hours, mix and mingles all shut down until further notice.
First, let’s dive into loneliness. In my opinion, it’s both a silent and debilitating emotion and state of mind. Even if you’re a person surrounded by people like myself you can still feel the wrath of loneliness, abandonment, and rejection. Most people like myself are afraid to openly discuss because people will probably combat it with you “having it all” or “oh, just pray about it,” or “How? When you know so many people?” Statements like this frustrate people wrestling with loneliness who want to clam up and shut out people and voices even more.
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If you’re following me on Instagram, you might’ve seen how moving to Los Angeles was a faith move. I outgrew my hometown on the East Coast, and I couldn’t find opportunities for growth so decided to pray, pick up and move to LA! I prayed, fasted, and raised over $3K on GoFundMe.com through social media when I only had about 4K followers.
Moving to Los Angeles meant getting distance to heal from toxic family members, getting freedom from family problems and responsibilities that weren’t my assignment, it meant being in a location more conducive for my career and having the solitude to work on my emotional, physical and financial self. Yet, here we are almost 3 years in, and I’m writing this article wondering what went wrong and how to get back to the initial plan.
Through therapy, church and conversations with my mentors, I’m learning in life nothing you plan never really goes as planned. I guess the Disney movies and kid books sold us dreams that don’t actually exist, LOL. Through this realization, I often find myself in riptides of thoughts wondering if I made the right decision, missing my true friends and family, and resenting my upbringing that forced me to live in survival mode chasing a career over everything.
As I was in one of these rip currents of thoughts I started to remember a class I took in college: Psychology 101. We learned about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow’s theory is that humans have five vital components of needs a person needs to live a balanced life emotionally, physiologically, and physically. The five essential components are in the following order top to bottom: self-actualization (identity, goals, interests), esteem (affirmation and self-worth), love, and belonging (relationships and intimacy), safety (job security, sense of feeling safe), and physiological (food, water, warmth, and shelter). I went back to visit this concept to see if it would help reason with why I’ve been feeling so alone these past few months and it helped piece together so many puzzling emotions.
I realized I had some deficits in those top components and needed to do an inventory on what needs to be replenished and reevaluated. I also realized I need to get more comfortable with being alone and being okay with just my own presence. Through this realization, one day this random song came “Holy” by Jamila Woods, and how crazy did it confirm everything I was feeling! I thank God for the pockets of reminders and things he places in our way to help us find solitude and peace again, even if it doesn’t bluntly look or feel like Him.
Through this revelation, I’m working on seeing myself whole by my own. Now, that doesn’t mean shutting out the world and everybody in it because we need people, good people to do life with. But it does mean embracing being alone with yourself and learning to enjoy time alone while being intentional to shift our isolation into solitude. This also means seeing myself whole without my nails done, without my hair done, even when funds are low and when opportunities aren’t always rolling in. This is definitely a process but it’s one that I would’ve never realized I needed if the pandemic never existed.
I refuse to let my joy be contingent on the availability of others so I’ve decided to do more things alone, like taking myself on a date 1-2x a month, going to fitness classes alone, and being okay with sitting and simply being. I started this month by taking myself on a self-love date to the Kale My Name restaurant by Tabitha Brown and Nemanja Golubovic.
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I walked in and the server was shocked to see me alone but seemed curious. It felt good to fully embrace the soulful music, fullness of the atmosphere, and vibrant restaurant colors by myself. The food was amazing and I ended up having great conversation with two other tables sitting near me — one where a Black woman complimented me on treating myself at a young age. She said “you’re on the right path, young lady” and little did she know how much that compliment resonated with me.
So if you’re reading this article, let this be an indicator that you too are on the right path. You will see this through. The loneliness won’t last forever. Remember to take yourself out, be alone, enjoy it and ask for a table for one.
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