
The “Single Girl Rut” can be hard to break and should not be taken lightly. But with strategy, determination, and these three simple (but necessary) rules, one woman is breaking the cycle, one date at a time.
I had been looking forward to this trip for weeks. Fantasizing about it. Especially after a super demanding week full of deadlines, a huge project launch, meetings, and auditions — it was exactly what I needed to destress and refresh. So why, when Palm Spring weekend rolled around, did I find myself on my couch, in front of the television, watching a movie marathon (quick highlights: Atonement — beautiful and devastating, About Time — a light and life-giving romp; I recommend both). Why was I spending yet another weekend in, rife with Instacart and Uber Eats delivery? Because I didn’t know the hold that “The Rut” had on me. I didn’t yet realize that it wouldn’t let me go without a fight.
I was like a man who promised himself he would eat better, then spent the evening shoveling down an extra-large pizza, or a woman who swore she would start working out, but spent the weekend — well, lying across her sofa binge-watching television inhaling the neighborhood delivery. In the moment, it seems like a fine idea, something real quick — one slice, one movie. But, before you know it, The Rut has you in its claws and it isn’t letting go.
The thing about a rut is that it feels good. It’s a habit, like that morning coffee or lunchtime cigarette, or In’n’Out burger on the way home from work. And once you enter the habit loop — good luck. It must be fulfilled.
And though it felt good in the moment, (actually, it felt great in the moment, especially once I committed to it) the guilt afterwards was soul-crushing. I reminded myself of my promise — next week, I will go.
But the following week filled up with unexpected activity. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, I’d signed with a new print agency, hit the ground for auditions, and booked a three-day commercial shoot in Oklahoma. Between preparing for my new agency, my auditions, and my out-of-town booking, there was no time to dash to Palm Springs. I realized I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my promise to myself, or this column, this month at all.
The “Single Girl Rut” won. And, I was tired of it.
It was clear — I had a problem. I had an addiction to “personal life mediocrity”, and like any other addict, I had to get serious about breaking it. This meant I needed to get focused, organized, and find a way to hold myself accountable to the promises I was making to myself.
I had to get real with myself, what is this challenge to “date myself” really about? When I am getting to know a new guy in my life, that I am excited about, there is no “tomorrow”. There is no “later” there is no “tired.” It wouldn’t matter if I worked for 72-hours straight and just took the red-eye in. I would power nap it out, get to that dinner, and somehow manage to be the most-charming version of myself available to me. I have driven three hours in the rain in stilettos and a push-up bra— having perfected my hairstyle and makeup in the fifteen minutes I had to get ready, to see someone who was important to me. Why? Because I cared. I was excited for the potential of it all, and that is a wonderful feeling to have. Though it’s not a guarantee that the date is going to go great, or that I am going to have a good time, or that I won’t end up asleep in my soup, I am willing, I am excited, to try.
Like what happened when I forced myself to go on my date to take the “Duchess Effect” etiquette class (on my list because of my love for HRH Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, and a longing for more grace and elegance in my life). I was spending time with my family in Louisiana, and had to leave a day early to drive three hours to Dallas, in the rain, where the class was being held. Logistically it worked, because I was flying out of Dallas the next day. But when the event arrived, I could have chosen to sleep in, binge The First on Hulu (which is excellent), hang with the fam, and then just head directly to the airport to catch my flight the following afternoon. I forced myself to stick to my plans, and I ended up enjoying the class so much, that I am excited to book my trip to New York to complete the full day Finishing Program.
And, because I was in town, I got the opportunity to attend a dear friend’s non-profit 10th anniversary fashion fundraising show, a show that I walked in five years earlier and have had the pleasure to watch grow to sponsor orphanages, scholarships and overall excellence in the Asian American community. I was also able to hang out with a great girlfriend I hadn’t seen in two years. I indulged and stayed at a fabulous hotel, and treated myself to every luxury time would allow. It was a great weekend. Scratch that — it was one of the best weekends I had this year.
Make a list. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Trip to Palm Springs, flower arranging classes, Art Basel Hong Kong? There is nothing too big or too small. Set a timer for 10 minutes and indulge yourself; write down any and everything that crosses your fancy. Once the list is complete, separate it into Simple Dates and Decadent Dates. A “simple date” would be something that doesn’t take a lot of resources: a mani/ pedi, a movie, a jaunt to that museum or gallery you’ve been meaning to drop into, Salsa class. Anything that would be a nice easy treat for yourself. It could be as simple as walking to grab a turmeric latte and perusing the Grove or downloading an audiobook and having dessert on the patio of the new restaurant you’ve wanted to drop by. The “decadent dates” are more involved. Out of town trips, speakers that you have to buy tickets in advance for, spa days, shopping sprees — these are the dates that take some effort and planning. On my list of “decadent dates” are: a trip to Palm Springs, running a marathon in a fun city (Havana!), Art Basel Miami, Beaumont Finishing School at the Plaza Hotel New York. All of these items will take some effort on my part to have the most pleasurable experience possible. But, I’m worth it.
Once you’ve made and divided your list, schedule it! Make a promise to yourself to go on one simple date a week and one decadent date a month. Add that date to your calendar. Get hype about it! Remember, a decadent date does not have to be expensive, it just takes planning. One of mine is to drive out to see and photograph Wayfarers Chapel — otherwise known as “the glass church.” It’s free, but it’s also located about an hour and a half from me, so the resource that it takes is my time. But I now realize that this is my personal time to love on myself, and I want to do it to the best of my abilities.
Dating myself is an exercise in self love.
So, here’s to the reboot — the reinvestment in myself. Here’s to committing to self care, to self-worth, and to self love — one date at a time.
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