Time continued, and the conditioning of the absence of love, and abandonment from the one source you feel you should be cared by lead me to undervalue myself so deeply that at the age of 15 I attempted suicide. By God’s grace and the universe stepping in to hold me in its light, I was found in my bedroom by a friend who had randomly (but note, there is no such thing as random) come calling on me to hang out with him.
I was rushed to the hospital, admitted, stomach pumped and treated for an overdose. When I recovered, I was legally placed into the care of the state of California. My life hasn’t been the same since that day.
Initially, no one from my family came to check on me –– not my mother, nor my father –– so things seemed beyond bleak. I became a ward of the state, committed to an adolescent psychiatric ward, which was scary as fuck. Once inside, you are stripped down, given a single gown and slippers, then brought into a sterile white room with no mirrors. You wait. Over days and weeks, you are moved through a variety of exams, intelligence tests, and psychiatric evaluations. One wrong answer could have you taken away from your parents and committed to the asylum for life.
After my test results came back confirming I had no mental illness, was exceptionally smart, and was suffering from some form of trauma, my mother finally came and exclaimed to the staff and me that she wished I had died. It was clear to the staff that it was not me but my environment that was extremely toxic. At that moment my life was given another glimmer of light.
I was placed with a therapist that saved and help shape my life. She was the first person that ever recognized and told me I had value and worth. She stood for me and taught me the most valuable tools I still use and evangelize on my Live Limitlessly platform and private practice. I was seen and heard, and it changed my life forever. The internal dialogue I was having with myself shifted. I realized that it wasn’t about me –– the abandonment and lack of value placed on my existence wasn’t my fault. I changed my story from despair, blame, and thinking I was unlovable, to a focus of possibility, self love, and trusting that I am held by a higher power.