I used to date a “Mama’s Boy.” I consider it one of the worst relationships I’ve had. You know the type: asking his mother’s opinion about every decision, prioritizing her needs over his own…and the list goes on. That guy.
“Mama’s Boy” is loosely defined as a boy or man who is excessively influenced by or attached to his mother. What I first observed as endearing and sweet, became annoying and from my point of view, unhealthy. There were times when he would be at his mother’s home for multiple hours on any given day for a myriad of reasons. His attachment and dependency on his mother’s actions and opinions, impeded his ability to independently make decisions, resulting in second-guessing and insecurity. After ending the relationship, I saw these signs and dynamics as red flags and stayed far away from these types of men.
As I got older and my friends and I started having children of our own, the term began to manifest differently.
I cringed at the thought.
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In 2016, I gave birth to fraternal twin boys. Within the first five years of his life, one of my sons was showing qualities of what we understand as a “Mama’s Boy:” naturally affectionate, empathetic to the feelings of others and a specific attachment to me.
“Aw, he’s a ‘Mama’s Boy,’” I’d say with a certain level of comfort and pride. This while rubbing his back as he nuzzled his head in the crook of my neck. Soon that would be followed by,“Oh no, he’s becoming a ‘Mama’s Boy!’” The term created endearment and love; and also as fear and disdain. The contradiction was obvious. I was convicted. Was I raising a “Mama’s Boy?” Yikes.
Challenging the Myth
A 2010 research study, showed healthy mother-son relationships lead to better health outcomes. Another study concluded that healthy mother-son relationships significantly lowers high-risk behaviors.
Creating a culture where boys can name, acknowledge and process their feelings is essential for their existence as humans. We strip them of their own humanity when we silence their freedom to emote or shame them for it.
“When people can express their emotions and be vulnerable, they feel secure,” says Nichole L. Harris, LPCC-S, mental health therapist and co-owner of Inspiring Purpose Counseling Group in Columbus, Ohio. She notes that security is an essential dynamic that parents have the ability to cultivate.
The qualities we desire to see in men are also the qualities we deem as negative while raising boys. When Black boys are not allowed to be affectionate, articulate their emotional needs, are coddled or not given growth opportunities of independence, they can grow up to be Black men who are limited in their emotions, are codependent or who may present as defiant due to wanting to exercise their independence. See the connection there?
Harris also points out the predominant culture does not always serve Black families, citing the village mentality and how she has seen Black mothers actively and intentionally reframe and reconsider that what is presented can work to our [Black communities] disadvantage.
Parenting as a Tool for Healing for Black Boys
As I began to interrogate my own relationship and understanding with the term “Mama’s Boy,” I’ve come to understand that it can be based on fear. And fear only begets more fear. We have to be brave enough to interrogate whether the fear is reality or a myth. How will our men learn to be empathetic, care, and considerate if we do not teach them?
The solution? Removing limiting language on how we interact with and talk about our sons. Allowing boys to show up as their full selves. De-gendering emotions. Redefining what a healthy mother-son relationship looks like through healthy boundaries. These solutions allow the nurturing love of a mother to show up in every stage while also creating space for fresh perspectives and growth opportunities that come when our sons invite new partners in their lives.
Harris points out that if we as adults are not doing our own healing work, we perpetuate the same, unhealthy narratives in the lives of our sons and the children we come in contact with.
As I move forward with my son, I’m mindful to give him tools to express his emotions while also holding my own personal boundaries. When he gets up from the dinner table and asks for what feels like the 100th hug of the day, I assess my own emotional and physical capacity. When I feel overstimulated and have competing priorities for my day, I might say: “I can’t hug you right now, but I’ll let you know when I can.” When he asks me to do something for him he clearly can do himself, I remind him he is strong and capable of completing a challenging task. I also ask him for his opinion when he is unsure, giving him the gift of learning to trust himself. I am hopeful that these examples model respect for others boundaries, consent and help him explore ways to validate himself. And it is a delicate dance we play that is not perfect.
Now, when I reflect on the dynamic between my ex and his mother, I have a new lens. Of course, the relationship was not all bad. He was considerate, a great listener and romantic; all attributes I’m confident he learned from his mother. And there were times when she held a boundary or took a hard stance – and he listened without hesitation. I observed her parenting from love, care and intention. She allowed him growth opportunities to explore in his early 20s, while also holding him accountable and setting expectations. The negative dynamics I observed were not solely based on their relationship (he was an adult, after all). I’m also mindful of my own immaturity and that the Mama’s Boy moniker should be explored in all its fullness; not just the perceived negativity.
The mother-son dynamic can heal. When we sow emotional expression, confidence and self-love, we reap emotional intelligence, self-actualization and independence. These individual seeds bear the fruit of healing our communities and generations to come.
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