Hey y’all – I’m Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I’ve unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman — from figuring out our bodies, understanding our pleasures, and the value and impact we have in a world that doesn’t always create room to share our experiences. So I decided to be the change I wanted to see and created Know Your Norm, a safe space for women to become experts in their own experiences. Let me warn you, though: I’m not your regular, tell-you-want-you-want-to-hear wellness coach. I’m not here to BS you! I’ve made my reputation by helping women across the globe realize their full potential in all facets of life. My priority is to help you win at love, in life, and especially in the bedroom. We’re all grown here, right? Grab some wine, snuggle up, and get ready for a ride. Pun intended.
Temperature Check: Are you ready or not?
“NOW I KNOW YOU LYING!” I can’t be the only one who sometimes struggles with communicating my exact wants, needs, and desires to my partner. If I’m being honest, I’m woman enough to admit that sometimes I need a quick orgasm and not all that hooting and hollering when it comes to having great sex. We tend to expect our partners to read our minds and get it right in the bedroom, but I’m sorry, y’all, that’s just not realistic or sustainable.
Not only did I have to learn my partner’s love language, but I also learned his apology language and his “communication language.” I’ve learned that many men don’t always communicate with words. Men are of action, service, and provision. So, in knowing that, ladies, how does your man communicate when he needs to get one off? Better yet, how do you communicate with your man when you need your back cracked? How do you temperature check?
Timing is Everything
We all have busy lives, but we still manage to find time to check in about work, bills, kids, and even what’s for dinner; but what about sex? If you’re not regularly checking in and taking inventory of where you and your partner stand on pleasure, you’re missing out and playing a dangerous game. Checking in can be as simple as asking if they have new pleasures or if old desires changed? Are they feeling satisfied? Checking the temperature isn’t just about getting what you want at the moment; it’s about making sure that every time you’re touched — it’s orgasmic.
Let’s not get it twisted; timing is also everything, and nothing is worse than killing a vibe because the timing is wrong. Have you ever been in the mood, but your partner was knee-deep in Instagram scrolling, focused on work, or engulfed in a football game? Yeah, it sucks, doesn’t it? Great sex isn’t just about skill, confidence, or pound town; it’s also about reading the room. Timing is everything, so know how and when to make your move and when to relax. Set the tone, pay attention to your partner’s mood and body language, and when it’s time – you blow his mind.
Growing Pains
Now look, stepping outside of your comfort zone during sex can feel intimidating and can be outright terrifying; I get it. Whether you’re learning how to ride the D better, practicing your “hawk tuah” game, exploring new positions, or just trying to moan comfortably without overthinking, growing sexually takes confidence and intentionality. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little insecurity, especially when it comes to having sex. Use me for example; even as an intimate health and behavior coach, I fell in love with an older and more experienced partner, and the way this man touches and loves on me, I couldn’t help but think in the beginning “Am I enough?”. I SURE AM. Not to mention, I think this man is so fine, y’all. Lol.
In all seriousness, we are all human and go through the growing pains of learning not just our partner but also our own needs and desires. Take my word for it: when you choose to accept the full journey of intimacy, not just penetration, and push past your fear of judgment, that is when the magic happens. Your body will start responding in a way you wouldn’t have imagined. The more you open up, the greater the sex will be – trust me!
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Know Your Norm, Own Your Pleasure
As we’ve learned earlier, it is not your partner’s responsibility to be a mind reader. If you don’t know what gets you off, how can they? Take the time to learn your body intimately and to “know your norm.” Instead of expecting them to figure it out, I encourage you to explore yourself, experiment, and not be afraid to vocalize what you like and dislike. Remember, your voice is your power. Confidence and the key to great sex starts with knowing what makes you moan and knowing exactly how and what gets you there. Once you know what makes your toes curl and how to hit that spot, it would be a crime not to communicate that with your partner and even teach them.
There’s nothing sexier than someone who knows what they want and is not afraid to ask for it. Hold yourself accountable for your pleasure, own it, and watch how much more satisfying sex becomes for both of you. Also, let’s keep it real: our sexual preferences will constantly change and evolve with time. What turned you on a year ago may have changed, and that’s perfectly normal. Keep checking in with yourself, experimenting, and expanding what pleasure looks and feels like to you and your partner.
The Climax
The climax that I’m referring to isn’t just about an orgasm or getting yours; it’s about satisfaction and pleasure on every level. It’s not even the moment when your toes are curling, your body is shaking, one side of the bed sheets are wet, your breath is heavy, and fat ma is pulsating. It’s the moment you and your partner just lay there in the satisfying silence of knowing that you just BLEW EACH other MIND. It’s about feeling wanted, desired, seen, and entirely in tune with the person you share these intimate moments with.
At the end of the day, sex should be fun, freeing, and fulfilling. It should not always be about getting to the nut; instead, it’s a journey that should start outside the bedroom. The most incredible sex happens when both partners are honest, open, and completely in tune with one another. Whether you’re having a slow, romantic night or a quickie “I only have a few minutes” type of session, the goal is to make every moment count. So stay freaky, stay connected, and, most importantly, make sure you enjoy every second of the experience.
Defining Great Sex
Great sex is about more than the length of the session or how many times you can orgasm. It’s about chemistry, passion, and the build-up that makes the climax much sweeter. The best experiences happen when both partners are fully present, committed to giving and receiving in equal measure, and completely uninhibited. Whether you’re moaning or screaming each other’s names in the moment of intercourse or simply laughing and cracking jokes in between strokes, the best sex leaves you not just wanting each other physically but also mentally and emotionally and living in a state of bliss we’ve affectionately known as “de-lulu.”
I challenge you to take ownership of your experiences and get to know yourself on a more intimate level. No one can make you feel as good as you can make yourself feel. Remember, people’s opinions do not change your reality, so it is your responsibility to define and to know your norm.
Appreciate the journey, and I pray that you all find a love that leaves you speechless, touching yourself and texting each other dirty pictures the next day because you can’t wait to do it all over again. If you are looking for a space to learn without inhibitions, follow us at @knowyournorm on instagram.
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