When it comes to romantic relationships I donʼt believe every encounter has to be a life-altering, long term, kind of thing. That’s not everyone’s goal, and it doesn’t have to be. I know what you’re thinking, Dr. Martin, are you really advocating for promiscuity? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes — but not exactly because promiscuity is such an old term. Who really uses that anymore? It has such negative connotations to it. When I looked up the definition of promiscuity one of the synonyms for it is casual. Simply casual. There’s nothing wrong with a casual relationship, if both parties are honest about it.
Not being ready for a serious relationship shouldn’t mean that you don’t get to spend time getting to know someone, learning more about yourself, and growing overall because we do grow with each encounter. When you think about the times where you were casually dating, was it consensually casual on both sides? Did you both agree to keep it light and really mean that? Or did someone keep it in the back of their mind that they could change them, maybe if they cooked the right foods, took them on the perfect date, or were patient enough. Maybe, just maybe they would go from casual to long term. The issue isn’t being casual, if you’re safe, the issue is being in a nonconsensual casual relationship.
Before you jump into a long-term relationship, think about whether that’s because it’s what you’re ready for or if you think itʼs the only option. Ask yourself what a healthy, causal relationship looks like to you so you can reflect on what boundaries and expectations you may have with a casual relationship. If you decide that’s what you want, be sure to be up front on your dates. Ask about their expectations, be clear about yours.
All of these questions are crucial, in my opinion, for a healthy casual relationship. However, if your goal is to intentionally date for a long term commitment, you should come at this a different way.
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I posted on Instagram about Questions to Ask When Dating that was pretty popular, which ultimately said that superficial questions, like someone’s middle name are a waste of time. I mentioned that it was more important to learn about their coping skills, relationship with their family, and their definition of success, just to name a few. Because there are times when I forget my husbandʼs age, but I could never forget the values that anchor him, and our family, like integrity, compassion, and stability. An alignment of values are going to be the true drivers of a long term relationship. Plus, the only thing someoneʼs middle name can help you with while dating is making the background search much easier.
However, like all things, the video got mixed reviews. Some people said, ‘Yes, Dr. Martin finally, someone gets it. I’m sick of these basic questions.’ Some people said these kinds of questions feel like an interview. Some people said they wouldn’t know how to answer these questions about themselves. Some people even said, these questions are too deep to ask on a first date. Let’s address that question first.
I never said to ask these questions on the first date and that just goes to show how good your listening skills are. How are you going to go on dates when you canʼt even listen to Dr. Martin for a 90-second video? But, I digress, when dating with a long term commitment in mind, itʼs the deeper questions that tell you about their emotional intelligence, values, and goals. Asking someone about their goals helps you know if you two have similar outcomes in mind. Learning more about their coping skills lets you know whether their emotional IQ is in the sky or the basement. Discussing what drives their decision-making will let you know about their values and whether you are aligned.
If you donʼt know the answer to these questions yourself, you should start there. Provide your date with the same consideration that you’re asking of them by addressing these questions on your own. I donʼt want your dates to sound like interviews, even though, letʼs be honest, that’s what they are. You can find ways to weave these topics into conversation. You can learn about what someone values by paying attention to what topic causes their face to light up. A good way to learn about a dateʼs emotional intelligence is to see if they ask you about yourself or talk the whole time because is this a date or a TED talk? When it comes down to it, the key to dating, whether it’s for casual or long term scenarios, is clarity. Letʼs be honest, no matter what a personʼs intentions are, the date shouldnʼt feel like a hostage situation.
I know that the internet girlies said that ice cream dates or coffee dates are out, but I am here to tell you that I think the first dates should be shorter. Why be stuck at a dinner with someone where you have to choose between their awful conversation, accompanied with the short rib you’ve been thinking about all week (because we know you looked up the menu beforehand), and going home and eating whatever’s in the fridge. You shouldn’t have to.
One thing I talk to my clients about often is where they invest their time and who is worth that investment. There’s no way to know if the person is worth it on the first date, so I typically recommend easing in with something shorter, with an easy out, like coffee, tea, or even ice cream. First dates are more about observing than being Inspector Gadget. You want to get a quick read on the person and gauge your interest, not sign up for a marathon.
I am Dr. Raquel Martin, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, scientist, podcast host, and expert in Black mental health. I am passionate about helping Black people think for themselves, challenge harmful narratives, and prioritize their well-being without guilt.
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