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What I Learned From Black Love Live’s “Can You Balance Marriage, Careers, and Children?” (VIDEO)
by Avione Lee
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February 28, 2019

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What I Learned From Black Love Live’s “Can You Balance Marriage, Careers, and Children?” (VIDEO)

Where is the balance of being a wife and mother, husband and father, and you? I tuned in to Black Love Live to find out.

One of the best parts about being married is learning new things about yourself as a married person. You are wearing an extra hat now as the spouse of someone, which comes with a new way to behave and its own set of responsibilities and roles. If you add children to the mix, then you may as well add one hat for each child because they will all be very different. Somewhere along the way, you may realize that you haven’t spent time with yourself in years.

As many mothers know, those first few weeks and months of being a new mom are demanding of your time. Mostly because this little love bug wants their needs met so that they can go right back to sleep. As mothers, we get so conditioned to the life of only looking after our children and living on their clock that we forget about ourselves and our spouses. That is why I can relate to the Black Love Live episode, “Can You Balance Marriage, Career and Children”. The guests, Tommy and Codie Oliver and Devale and Khadeen Ellis, discussed finding balance and putting yourself at the top of your priority list.

This can mean different things for different people. As an influencer, Khadeen is aware of the pressure to “snap back” after the baby — meaning, a mother getting her body back to pre-baby shape. But, she decided to use the term in another way. Instead of the pressure to get her body back into shape, Khadeen took control of the expression and uses her “snap back” time as a snap-forward into being her best self.  That includes ending procrastination, taking time for herself, and finding who she is so that she can be 100% for all the members of her family. For Khadeen, gym time is me time.

It is important to take time for yourself as a mother and a spouse so that you can come back to your family fully charged and able to meet any needs they may have.

It is important to take time for yourself as a mother and a spouse so that you can come back to your family fully charged and able to meet any needs they may have. Spending time alone, with no other distractions besides what you want to do, is good for your self-esteem and for your family.

Taking time for yourself does not necessarily mean going to Miami for a fabulous girl’s weekend, though that would be nice. Taking time for yourself is something that can be as simple as painting your nails at home, taking a one-hour bath instead of a rushed two-minute shower, reading a book at a café, or, as Khadeen does, working out. Have your spouse or family member watch the children while you spend that one hour by yourself enjoying your space.

Sometimes I wake up extra early to have my early morning tea and just sit by myself as I relax before the rush of morning rituals takes over. It is nice for me to enjoy my time in a quiet space where my mind can wander. Once I go back to my family (when they wake up), I am happy to see them and to give them all of me instead of wondering when I will have a chance to relax.

Sometimes Devale did not want to be Jackson’s dad; sometimes he just wants to be Khadeen’s man.

Spending time alone also helps you think about if you are giving enough attention to your spouse, and not just the littlest family members. As Devale mentioned, sometimes he does not want to be Jackson’s dad; sometimes he just wants to be Khadeen’s man. Khadeen agreed and mentioned that finding time to be flirty and loving with your spouse is hard because you get into your routine and don’t realize that you haven’t spent quality time together. Taking time for yourself helps in that regard.

In having a moment to yourself, you will be able to think about what you would like to do that day, the coming weeks, and the coming months. Your spirits are raised, and you are better able to prioritize because you have this moment to make priority lists. And as Khadeen said, you need to be on that list. I say, at least one day a week, put yourself at the very top.

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