What I’ve Learned About Setting Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
by Jasmine Raheem
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October 25, 2022

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What I’ve Learned About Setting Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage

Made in Partnership with

Couch Conversations co-hosts Kevin & Melissa Fredericks, with Elijah & Jia and Tanai & Wesley

In the season finale of “Couch Conversations,” KevOnStage and his wife Melissa sat down with two couples to discuss the expectations that they had for marriage in comparison to their reality. Jia & Elijah have been married for three years and together for six. Tanai & Wesley have been together for 11 years and married seven. They touched on the ever-changing aspects of their marriage, adjusting to changes associated with the pandemic, and how those changes did not align with the expectations that they had. Although both couples had completely different journeys, the common idea was consistent in each story. The reality of marriage is in no way similar to what was expected.

Jia explained how she really did not have any expectations. She was raised by her mother, who was the only provider. Marriage was not something that she saw growing up. Elijah was raised by both parents and expected to carry on the same gender roles that he was accustomed to. He watched his dad work and provide, and his mom stay home and take care of the home. He was faced with a different reality with Jia. She wanted to go out to work and hustle. Both Jia and Elijah had to change their expectations of what they considered to be correct. Jia had to allow herself not to feel pressured to work, and Elijah had to allow his wife the time she needed to work when she felt the need. Wesley and Tanai shared similar experiences. Tanai was already an established businesswoman and did not like the idea of being a housewife. Once they fell into traditional roles, Wesley learned how to go with the flow of their marriage and understood when Tanai expressed her desire to return to work. Wesley mentioned how he learned that restricting his wife will take away from the growth of the marriage. 

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Tanai & Wesley

The couples also discussed adapting to unexpected changes that occur in marriage. Wesley & Tanai shared how they both did not expect to become parents. Tanai was set on the idea of never having children. Wesley also shared how he was in love with Tanai’s hair. It wasn’t until Tanai decided to cut her hair, and they found out they were expecting a baby, that they had to adapt to the changes that were taking place. Jia and Elijah candidly shared how they went through a rough time experiencing homelessness. They were sleeping in a car and Jia became depressed. Elijah was there to support Jia through her period of emotional changes. They adapted and kept their relationship strong through their friendship. The changes also associated with the pandemic forced them to adapt and to even grow closer to one another. Wesley & Tanai shared how raising a newborn baby in the pandemic was something that both of them had to adapt to. Although the changes were not what was expected, it was rewarding.

Jasmine Raheem and her family (Credit: @jazshebad/Instagram)

This episode was also relative to my life and my marriage. A lot of what I expected for my marriage was met with reality. Although the majority of time spent with my husband is sunshine and roses, there have been plenty of arguments and hard conversations. This is just something I didn’t expect to experience. Although I’ve always known marriage is hard work, I told myself that I would try to make things as perfect as possible. Now that I have been married for three years, I know that marriage takes a lot of forgiveness, a lot of self-reflection, and time. I also did not expect having to intentionally prioritize my marriage over our children. If you are not careful, children can really get in the way of a strong marriage. My husband and I definitely learned this in the pandemic. Together, we had a blended family of four children. Similar to Wesley and Tanai, we had our 5th child right before the pandemic. Dealing with virtual learning with 4 children and nursing a newborn on demand, became challenging for me. My husband continued to work and would be tired upon returning home. We had to reach a new level of teamwork for both of our sanity. We also had to be intentional about setting aside time for just us. That period of adaptation was something we hadn’t expected or planned for. Like the couples in this episode, the ever-changing way of loving each other and compromising was imperative for us to get through it. 

Here are some takeaways from this episode of “Couch Conversations:”

  • Be patient with your partner. Understand that your partner is human, and some changes take time. Give your partner the time needed to adapt.
  • Give your partner grace to grow. Your partner is an individual and won’t always be the same person that you met. Embrace their growth and give them the grace to make those individual changes.
  • Remember the commitment. During the tough times, remember the promise you made with your partner. The love and commitment should be bigger than any unexpected change that occurs.
  • Changing love languages. Realize that the way your partner wanted to be loved in the beginning, may not be the same years later. It’s okay to change love languages. Grow with your partner by switching up the way you love them in relation to their present needs. 

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