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What I’ve Learned From My First Year of Marriage
by Ayana Iman
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July 15, 2022

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What I’ve Learned From My First Year of Marriage

Courtesy of Ayana Iman

My husband and I recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We marked the occasion with a weekend getaway, a couple’s massage, and dinner at some of the best restaurants Washington, D.C. had to offer. It was everything we needed to recharge our marriage. 

Many people asked us if marriage feels different than when we were dating. In a way, yes, but in most ways, no. I will explain. My husband and I were together six years before tying the knot. We had raised a child together, lived together for four years, and traveled the world together. There was not much I did not know about him. We already moved as a team and prioritized our family. However, marriage does unify you in another way. In my opinion, it puts a greater emphasis on our commitment to each other and gives us the power to protect our assets. For instance, domestic partnerships’ legal status can vary by state, which means job benefits like health insurance are not guaranteed. On another note, I feel like marriage has blessed us in many ways. We have been more fruitful partners, winning as a family and in our careers because we are both aligned. 

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Our first year was not without some bumps and bruises. Any disagreement we had felt heightened because I was under the impression that we were still in the honeymoon phase, which was not only untrue but put a lot of pressure on both of us to be perfect. Although we knew each other well, we were adjusting to this new phase of our lives. Everything from filling out paperwork to filing taxes required more input from each of us. I felt like my image of a husband and wife did not fit the reality of the situation. I consider myself a progressive woman and have always been self-sufficient, but I have traditional views of marriage that do not always fit that description. I wanted my husband to lead our home, manage our finances, and be the protector. In reality, we both worked full-time and moonlighted as freelancers while raising our daughter. Yet, I felt most of the housework, child-rearing, and planning fell on me. I was not happy with this arrangement, and we had many conversations about how we could better support each other. 

Courtesy of Ayana Iman

I learned that marriage requires the intention to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. I do not want to be in a loveless marriage without passion where we act like roommates. Life is too short for that. Something I am working through is not expecting my husband to know when something is wrong with me and be a fixer. He cannot read my mind, and I cannot read his. We must be open about our feelings to maintain closeness. I am learning that we are not competitors, and marriage is not a contest. There are no points for doing something “right” or faster than the other. We can accomplish more by working together than not.

Future-proofing our marriage 

Future-proofing is the attempt to make something resistant to challenges that may occur. When you future-proof your relationship, you are doing the work to set expectations, boundaries, and rules of engagement ahead of any problems that may occur. On our anniversary trip, my husband and I put time aside to discuss how we could set ourselves up for success. Here are our non-negotiables for maintaining a healthy marriage. 

Date nights 

Our date nights are sacred, and we value our time together. I keep a list of notes in my phone and activities saved on social media of places I want to visit. There is always a dress in my closet that is ready to hit the streets. Stay ready, so you do not have to get ready. 

Better communication 

Verbal and non-verbal communication is the foundation of a healthy marriage. One thing we want to fine-tune is our listening skills, making sure we are open to what each other is saying and not just what we want to hear. 

Focus on wellness

Courtesy of Ayana Iman

Health is the foundation for building a good healthy life. We want to be on this earth together for as long as possible, which requires maintaining a fitness routine.

Self-care 

While we put an emphasis on wellness as a couple, individual self-care is also a priority. We cannot give our marriage what it deserves without being happy, whole people. We are committed to taking care of ourselves with wellness checks, therapy, relaxation, and play. 

Individual creativity 

We must find productive outlets to embrace our creativity. My husband loves sewing and designing, and I like to cook. Our hobbies serve as stress relief and allow us to tap into our inner child to keep us positive. 

How will you future-proof your relationship? Think about your non-negotiables and rules for engagement. The clearer you are with each other, the better you can navigate life together.

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