Why Setting Boundaries With Your In-Laws is Marriage Self-Care
by Malikah Wright
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December 22, 2021

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Why Setting Boundaries With Your In-Laws is Marriage Self-Care

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Boundaries are limits put in place to protect a person’s mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. For a married couple, boundaries promote effective communication and intimacy, but it is equally as important to set them for individuals outside of the relationship. Over the years, we have learned that it does not have to make sense to everyone else if it ensures our relationship remained safe and whole. The most difficult one to date would be with his family (my in-laws) during our early years as it related to inviting the mother of my stepson to family functions. Prior to these invites, my stepson’s birthday was usually the only time my husband and I shared the space at events with her. Because my husband is extremely family oriented, holidays, birthdays and even vacations are spent with his siblings, aunts, uncles, and parents. It is such a blessing to be a part of a family eager to create new memories and who genuinely enjoy the company of loved ones. When I first became part of this family, I struggled breaking the unhealthy habits I acquired growing up in my own family. Once I learned to appreciate the differences between both families, I found balance which was refreshing and stable.

Anxious thoughts typically flooded my mind before an event as the family chose to invite her despite existing issues. I must admit that it wasn’t every event she attended but one was too much for me then. Looking back now, I could have opted to stay home or confronted my in-laws would have caused drama. Instead, I chose to push through out of obligation to our family because I loved them and still enjoyed our family gatherings. Once at the cookout, it did not help that both of our names are similar, which meant mix-ups that left me visibly annoyed each time. Secondly, this sent a message of approval for her inconsistent co-parenting style. In my mind, her invitation at the events showed the family’s lack of concern for the aggravation and drama she often caused. On the other hand, she was the mother of their nephew, and grandson, and they wanted to maintain an amicable relationship. I struggled to subscribe to this idea when it appeared they were more concerned about her title than her damaging actions. If we were co-parenting successfully, inclusion would not have been an issue and I would have happily cooperated. Lastly, it created a false sense of reality for my stepson because once the event was over, we went back to a strained co-parenting situation where communication was lacking. This caused mixed signals.

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When I first approached my husband about this, he validated my concerns but also attempted to convince me that since we were not hosting the event, we could not dictate who could attend. He always encouraged me to enjoy myself despite who would be present, but I was never 100% comfortable with this situation. There were events that turned out better than others, but I would still alienate myself from the group she was in to avoid causing a problem. For one reason or another, my stepson’s mother would always try to engage in conversation with my husband and I at these events. While my husband spoke with patience, I would be dismissive and cold because I wanted her to leave. I recognize that it was immature and petty on my part, but I was not fine with pretending for the crowd. I was accustomed to how my family responded to situations like this which meant she would not be invited.

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It took quite a few years to learn and accept that my husband’s family had a different way of doing things. Since every family is different and there are no instructions on how to manage delicate blended issues, there were countless mistakes made. Who decides which approach is right or wrong?! In hindsight, I cannot fault my in-laws for preserving their connection to my stepson’s mother due to their personal reasons, but our boundaries were not valued. There came a point in time where my frustration was too much to conceal, and again I expressed to my husband how I was feeling. This time I was determined not to attend another event that she had been invited to unless the dynamics of our co-parenting changed. My husband understood that I was serious and intervened on my behalf. He reached out to his family and voiced my concerns and surprisingly his too. Naturally, there was push back from his family because they were unable to comprehend how her attendance would affect us. Since none of them had an undesired guest receive an invite to a function, they could not grasp our perspective. As a result, we had to apply boundaries to protect ourselves through distance. For my husband to address this issue, he valued my feelings and our marriage above everything else. By doing so, we demonstrated unity in our marriage; thus, self-care to overcome any future issues with familial boundaries.

As a natural consequence of our disagreement, tension in everyday conversations lingered for a short while. We believed that with time, things would return to normal since the summer was ending. My husband and I opted to agree to disagree with his family and move forward as we are supposed to do. By the following summer, my in-law’s invitation list changed, and my stepson’s mother was not on it. I can’t recall if there was one specific incident or accumulation of incidents over the years to cause them to change (nor did I care), but the invites just stopped. I experienced a sense of relief regardless of their reasoning. In an unusual turn of events, my husband and I started hosting my stepson’s mother at our home starting with my stepson’s 8th grade celebration. We were only able to do so once I got to the place where I saw her presence as an extension of my love for my stepson and nothing more. Sadly, this is what my in-laws were exhibiting in the previous years, but I couldn’t see it because I didn’t want to. Ironically, the invites to family functions and/or birthday parties now come from me and my husband. 

I once read that a boundary can be used as an indicator of a relationship’s health. This can be difficult to set depending on the person(s) and type of boundary. Thankfully, the below steps helped my husband and I handle boundary conflicts with my in-laws.

  1. Couple talking
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    Identify and address the issue. Until we identified what was making us uncomfortable, we were not putting ourselves in the position to correct it. For me, it took a great deal of self-awareness to understand why I was triggered by her presence. Once I realized that my emotional and mental well being were being affected, I had to do everything within my control to protect myself. As my husband, he felt it was his duty to protect my peace and address this issue with his family.

  2. Process actions and consequences. To every action, there is a consequence. Because we were attempting to set a boundary with loved ones, we had to measure the action we would take. For us, we were willing to skip out on family functions for the remainder of the summer to prove a point. By doing so, we would accept the consequences of family members being upset with us.
  3. Stick to the plan. Whatever solution my husband and I decided on, we had to see it through whether the boundaries were accepted or not. This is difficult because at some point you must ask yourself, “How far am I willing to go to prove a point?” and “Is my need to be right greater than time spent with family?” Lucky for us, time was on our side, so we just had to wait the summer out. In hindsight, nothing was worth missing out family time but when you’re in your feelings, it’s hard to think straight.

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