After years of unsuccessful relationships, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to have a healthy relationship until I began to focus on my individual wellness. I started to prioritize my physical and mental health by going to therapy and doing inner work. I developed healthier habits and incorporated a workout routine within my schedule. I enrolled back into school to earn my degree and worked relentlessly to improve my financial situation. I became intentional about advancing myself in every aspect. It wasn’t until then that I reconnected with an old fling who would soon become my husband.
In Episode 5 of this season of “Couch Conversations,” Shelah Marie and Ace Hood sat down with two other couples to discuss both individual wellness and wellness within marriage. I resonated with this episode because similarly to the couples shown, my husband and I also had to make conscious efforts to improve our individual mental and physical health. This was imperative before we began to improve our wellness as a couple. A lot of the work included individual and couple’s therapy, healing childhood trauma, creating a safe space for each other, intense communication, and implementing self-care. We learned problem resolution and how to give ourselves and each other grace in the midst of adversity. This approach taught us how to fight against our issues together, rather than fighting against each other about our issues.
Blacklove.com Related Articles:
Can You Build a Happy Marriage if You’ve Never Seen One?
Blended Family Lessons and Tips to Consider When Challenges Arise
Through therapy and much internal work, my husband and I realized that our childhood experiences have shaped how we operate in our marriage. Although we both grew up with loving parents, we didn’t have the greatest examples of what a healthy marriage looks like. My husband’s parents divorced by the time he was in second grade. He had never been exposed to examples of how a husband is supposed to operate and how important the roles of both a husband and wife impact the flow of the marriage and household. Although my parents did not divorce, the way my parents operated did not set the most ideal example of what a marriage should be. Through stress and financial issues, they always argued and didn’t exemplify how to communicate and work through issues effectively. Very rarely did I see my parents be affectionate with each other. I saw them both hardened or distant from one another. Also being exposed to other dysfunctional family members and family friends influenced how we communicated with each other. Rather than healing our childhood trauma, we internalized it. This often led to many misunderstandings and arguments that went in circles. It was not until we created a safe space for each other to open up, that we realized the, “why.” We began to understand why we handled situations in ineffective manners. We offered each other grace and began to see each other as imperfect human beings trying to overcome traumatic experiences. We have given each other an opportunity to grow and understand that healing and wellness is a journey.
View this post on Instagram
Initially, we did not share with our family that we began therapy. We decided to overcome our obstacles as a couple without the outside opinions of others. As time passed and we ironed out our differences, we casually mentioned to our family that we had gone to therapy. It was met with support from both sides of our family. Although our parents are older and did not experience the benefits of therapy, they realize the positive effects of it. They embrace it and encourage us to continue going to therapy as much as we need to. We understand that a marriage has ups and downs and that there may be another instance when individual or couples therapy is needed again.
There will be good moments and not-so-good moments. We have grown enough to know never to set unrealistic standards for each other. We have come to the realization that healing is a forever process that one cannot graduate from. Just because my husband and I have gone through several periods of therapy, we still don’t expect each other to be perfect. During moments where I see that husband is in a weak space, or vice versa, we communicate and offer the possibility of continued therapy. We have hard and honest conversations. We give each other space to process situations when needed and acknowledge that there will always be room for development.
View this post on Instagram
Here are some tips for those who are seeking wellness:
- Surround yourself with a community of people who are also on their wellness journey. You will become what you surround yourself with. Being around people who are opened to becoming the best version of themselves will ultimately encourage you to continue on your wellness journey.
- Everyone’s wellness journey is different. Find a routine that works for you. Just because you are not working out as much as the next person or meditating does not mean that you are not as evolved. Everyone grows at a different pace. Adjust your wellness routine to fit your schedule and find a pace of your own. The most important part is that you’re doing it!
- It is okay to put yourself first sometimes. Acknowledge that healing yourself must come first before being able to sustain healthy relationships with others.
- Filter out anything/anyone that could sabotage your wellness. As hard as it may seem, you have to distance yourself from loved ones who are still operating from an un-evolved place. People who surround themselves with gossip and drama often don’t discuss ways to improve their inner and outer well-being. You have to avoid that from potentially rubbing off on you.
- Understand that wellness is a forever journey. Acknowledge that you will have to remain consistent while adjusting to the changes in your life. Being able to stay motivated along with the changes is what will make this forever journey easy.
JOIN THE CONVERSATION