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Don’t Miss The Signs: The Forms of Abuse We Don’t Always Discuss
by Raquelle Harris
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October 27, 2021

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24 Minute Read

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Don’t Miss The Signs: The Forms of Abuse We Don’t Always Discuss

While quarantine affected nearly everyone across the world, victims of Intimate Partner Violence experienced a different kind of horror while having to follow “stay at home” orders because they were confined with their abusers. According to statistics released by the FBI earlier this month, at least four Black women and girls were murdered per day in the United States in 2020, a significant increase compared with the year before. The FBI noted at least 405 additional murders of Black women and girls last year as homicides surged across the country, and experts caution that even that number is significantly lower than the actual amount.

Prior to the pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men were victims of domestic violence. Black women, in particular, were twice as likely as white women to encounter an offender armed with a handgun, according to the National Crime Victimization Survey. Post-quarantine data is still populating, but there is a disturbingly consistent trend of Black women experiencing domestic violence disparately. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, yet the fight against DV is ongoing. Advocacy that reflects awareness is crucial in order to support domestic violence victims and survivors.

Black Love spoke with licensed therapist and trauma expert Candyce “Ce” Anderson — a clinician who also is a survivor — about the various forms of domestic violence, myths and misconceptions, and viable resources for victims, survivors and supporters.

Black Love: When we hear the term “domestic violence,” we tend to think of physical violence, but domestic violence can also be mental, emotional, psychological, financial, etc. Can you expound on examples of each of these types of domestic violence?

Candyce “Ce” Anderson: There’s a whole bunch that goes into how someone can be abusive, at the core is power and control and so, people can assert power and control psychologically, emotionally, sexually, financially. Think of domestic violence as an umbrella and under that umbrella is Intimate Partner Violence, which is what most people know about and focus on. That’s the violence between two intimate partners or people that have children in common. The others include elder abuse, parent and child, sibling, and roommate abuse. Physical abuse is noticeable and easily identifiable type of abuse. So the hitting, choking, punching, hair pulling, slapping happens, and property damage is also tied into physical abuse because your home, your property, that’s an extension of your physical.

Emotional abuse is being embarrassed in front of other people, having your accomplishments put down or held over your head. Doing things that demean or minimize you as a person and then say they’re joking with you, calling you sensitive when you say, “That doesn’t make me feel good.”

The psychological is when we talk about how the brain operates cognitively. [The term] gaslighting has been around for about 50+ years and now it’s a buzzword. Gaslighting is when someone causes you to call your sanity and your reality into question. Someone who is putting forth a false narrative and it leaves the other person, usually the target or the victim of abuse, to doubt their own perception and doubting their own perception leads them to feel emotionally distressed. It leads them to feel disoriented, it leads them to feel emotionally unbalanced. It causes an issue in their ability to cognitively function and be based in the reality of what is happening. 

Another psychological tactic used in this power and control is called moving the goalposts. A lot of times, a victim of abuse will say, “Okay, if I can just cook better,” or “If I can make the house cleaner, if I can get the kids to be quiet, I can do this, then the abuse will stop.” So then once that goal is reached, guess what? The abuser moves the goalposts. Now the goal is for you to go above and beyond and do this other thing that is likely unreachable, unattainable. 

Isolation is when the abuser purposefully starts to exclude other people. ‘You’re talking to your mother too much. Why do you guys talk on the phone so much? You need to cut that. I don’t want to share you, I love you so much. I want you all to myself.’ You’re like, oh, wow, he/she really cares about me and they’re so protective of me. When really, it is making you believe that they’re the only one and everybody else is either unimportant, a non-factor, or a threat to the relationship. 

When I would interview a person or they would come in, for my support, they would say, “We got together, we got married, he wanted me to stay home; we got pregnant, we decided to have a child, I left my job. And now, I don’t have a means of making my own money, I have this huge gap in work experience. And so it makes it difficult to become employed, to be self-sufficient, so I can support myself.”

BlackLove.com Related Articles:
Domestic Violence: A Survivor’s Story
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Black Love: In this era of social media, myths and misconceptions about domestic violence spread at an exponential rate. For example, people are surprised when they hear about male victims/survivors. Share some that you have seen and your thoughts on dispelling them. 

Anderson: People don’t have the knowledge, and in many cases, people don’t believe facts when given the facts. 

One of the things that I hear people say all the time is, “If the situation, marriage or relationship is that bad, people can just leave, so if she doesn’t leave if she stays, she likes it.” That’s literally like saying if Black people don’t like America, leave.

It’s a power and control dynamic; the truth remains that they very much want to leave, but there are so many factors that go into being able to leave safely. 

Another myth that I see is, it’s just two people that can’t get along, it’s just two people that fight all the time. It’s not. It is two people, one in power, one oppressed, one in control, one being controlled. And it’s very nuanced. If power and control exist, that is intimate partner violence.

Another one is, no, no, no, men can’t be abused. When really, 1 out of 7 men are victims and 90% of men who are victims do not report nor come forward. Because their experience is trivialized, minimized. It is embarrassing. 

A lot of times we talk about patriarchy, but what we have to understand is that men suffer in this country, particularly Black men, because there’s a hyper-masculinity that comes with being a Black male.

They’re seen as these super sexual beings. We want to go off of our own anecdotes, our own experiences when that is not necessarily a generalizable experience. I get a lot of women that come from families where their mother was very dominating and abusive to their father. And so what do they do? They control their boyfriend, they control their husband. People have to really start looking at the facts. There’s a reason why we have data and look at that.

Black Love: Your expertise in domestic violence comes from your work as a clinician and also from your personal experience. Please share how your own survival of domestic violence has shaped your work.

Anderson: This is a clinical term, but I was a witness to domestic violence in my home while growing up. One of my older siblings, and my parent fought a lot. Children who witness domestic violence have a higher risk of being abused or becoming an abuser in adulthood. In my case, I was a victim in my young adult, teenage years. So, I was very cautious when I started to date, I don’t think I had a boyfriend until I was like 15. I was 15 and he was 18. To the outside person, he was nice. He would bring me flowers and write poetry but was actually very controlling. It got to a point where he would come over all the time or wherever I went, he wanted to go. And then I became pregnant right before I went off to college. I’d actually been approached to model and I’d been approached to do some studying abroad when I was in college. His thing was, you’re a mother, you don’t get to do things.

I left him when I was 20, but even after I wanted to break up with him, he was close with my parents. I would come home and he would be in my room, in my bed, or going through my clothes. That was the dysfunction. How could I break away if he could come over when he wanted to? Then when I left for college, I would be on campus and he would show up.

After I tried to break it off with him, I had a disagreement with my parent I lived with, and I was told to leave, so I did. And that was how I started to be able to control my person and access to me because I moved on campus — me and my daughter — and he couldn’t just come and go as he pleased. About six months later, when I started dating the man who is now my husband, one night, he called and said that he had lost his keys at some nightclub. He wanted to come and sit with me until his ride came. When he came to my room, he admitted that he had lied, and started berating me pushing me and choking me. Somebody on my floor or somebody in the parking lot, heard me screaming and the police came. I was able to get a restraining order and I went through like three or four years of custody issues, it was very difficult and stressful. I almost lost my scholarship because I was on academic probation. I had to manage being a full-time student at a very rigorous university while being a full-time mother, with very little familial support and having to navigate the court system. Living in fear that at any moment a judge and somebody that does not know, the inner workings of the dynamics could make a decision that put my child at harm. 

People don’t understand the far reaching implications and complications that permeate every aspect of your existence.

Thankfully, the court granted me the ability to relocate with my husband to Alabama and he officially adopted my daughter.

Black Love: Many of the survivors say they are often left unprotected by legal authorities (courts, police, probation officers). Each municipality differs and there are a number of reasons, but it seems that care and diligence are lacking. Why do you think this continues to be an issue?

Anderson: There’s a historical mistrust of the judicial system and law enforcement, in our community within the Black collective. So that’s the first reason or barrier why a lot of people don’t reach out to law enforcement or seek help with law enforcement or the judicial system. The next barrier is uneducated, poorly educated, miseducated people in authority; judges, clerks, law enforcement, magistrates, you have to be specially trained and receive special continuing education to be able to understand how to interact with a victim and how to understand the nuances of domestic violence. And when someone enters into a space where they do not understand, they can do grave harm. 

That type of harm is the story of Yvette Cade. Yvette Cade is from my hometown, the DC area. She had an abusive husband, they had gotten divorced, and he was still stalking and threatening both her and her daughter. When she went to the judge to file for a restraining order, the judge not only minimized and trivialized her concerns, but laughed. About a week or so later, her ex-husband entered her workplace at a cell phone store. In a Sprite bottle he had gasoline, threw the gasoline on her and lit her on fire. That’s an example of when those who are put in place to protect serve and help us are not educated and do not understand the very real dangers of the domestic violence dynamics. It happens all across this country. 

Black Love: Let’s discuss some viable resources for victims and survivors. If someone is currently in an abusive relationship, how can they prepare to leave? And once they leave, how can they regain and renew their life as a survivor? Share a few of resources included in your book “Love T.A.P.S.: Red Flags of An Abuser and How to Get Out.”

Anderson: Thankfully, there’s more federal legislation. So for instance, one of the things I like to let victims know is it’s bettter for you to get a Protection from Abuse Order (PFA), than to apply for a restraining order. A PFA is a federally legislated layer of protection that carries with it jail time if the order is broken. The Violence Against Women Act is where that legislation is located.

There is a national, nonprofit I think they’re located in most states. It’s called the Family Justice Center. It provides victims with a one-stop shop where they can not only receive a protection order, or get assistance with a PFA from attorneys, they can talk to attorneys about any other questions that they may have like divorce, custody, financial worries, etc. They also have counselors, social workers in those centers, and they also have specially trained police officers there as well. 

They usually will have all of those entities, a magistrate, police officer, DA, attorney, therapist, social worker, and sexual abuse trained nurses who can conduct rape kits. They can also take photos that are actually admissible in court. Everything is right there for you and you can get the support that you need, all in one visit.

The other thing, this is a huge, huge myth. A lot of times, a judge will send perpetrators to an anger management program. Domestic Violence is not about anger, it’s about power and control. Because guess what? He doesn’t go to work and punch his boss in the face when he gets upset. He doesn’t punch or slap the cashier at the grocery store, his behavior is targeted because again, he or she is wanting to exert the power and control over that particular individual. 

Another myth, oh, we’ll go to couples counseling. No, no, no, no. In the therapy industry, a well-trained and ethical therapist will not see a couple where there has been any form of Intimate Partner Violence. It is very dangerous. Couples counseling is not okay and pastoral counseling is not okay because oftentimes, it empowers the abuser. 

After leaving, I recommend to connect with a specially trained therapist who you feel comfortable with and start the therapeutic process to heal the barriers to you leaving the relationship. Oftentimes, there are wounds that happened in early life and adolescence that contribute to the victim being victimized in their relationship. You want to be able to get comfortable with a therapist who understands domestic violence, and who also understands internal family systems, to help walk you through to heal those wounds, to heal any trauma to heal any deficits within the person’s personality or with self-image.

You want to fortify yourself against becoming a victim again.

And don’t be afraid to cut off people who don’t believe you 100%. You need people around you that are going to go hard in the paint for you to leave this relationship once you’ve said, ‘I’m ready and I need support.’ 

Your boss, a neighbor that you maybe can tell, “Hey, if this light is on after this time, please call the police. Or if this window is open, and you see it, please call the police.” If you don’t have those kind of people to back you. Then you don’t have the people that are able to support you in regaining your life.

Black Love: How can we help or support victims and survivors of domestic violence?

Anderson: There are several websites that literally outline how to support a victim of domestic violence because what you don’t want is to pressure the person. You’re worried about the person, I get it. But remember, they’re coming from a situation where all that they do, feel, think and believe has already been jeopardized. So, getting that from people that they want to seek help from can be overwhelming and not feel good. It’s okay to say,  “Let me know how I can support you. What do you need from me?” Not what I think.

If you or someone you know are a victim or survivor of domestic violence, here are some resources that can help when it’s time to leave, heal and thrive:

FAMILY JUSTICE CENTER

THE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN ACT – AN ONGOING FIXTURE IN THE NATION’S RESPONSE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, DATING VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND STALKING

LOCAL RESOURCES

LEGAL INFORMATION

HOW YOU CAN HELP VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

FOR FAMILIES, FRIENDS NEIGHBORS

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