How One Woman Turned An Affair Into an Inspirational Book for Stepparents
by Black Love Team
SHARE ARTICLE
LEFT TO READ

minutes

PUBLISHED ON

September 25, 2024

ARTICLE LENGTH

10 Minute Read

SHARE ARTICLE
CONTRIBUTOR

How One Woman Turned An Affair Into an Inspirational Book for Stepparents

Courtesy of Pexels.com

September 16 is National Stepfamily Day and in honor of this important relationship between children and bonus parents, we wanted to share author Erica Grace’s story.

Erica Grace thought she knew exactly what to expect when she married her husband, who was a father of a young daughter. The attorney says she met, fell in love and married her now ex with an open heart and mind, ready to take on the responsibilities of step-parenthood. The couple welcomed a son, but Erica quickly realized that she wasn’t fully prepared for her new journey ahead.

“I had my first child [with my now ex-husband]. Not too long after — even before I had my son — I realized how unprepared I was for the world of being a stepparent,” the author explains.
“It was turmoil with my stepdaughter’s mom; just things that were different for me because I came from a nuclear family. For me, it was like, ‘Here’s this little 4-year-old girl; let me just raise her.’ For her mom, it was just like, ‘No.’ I didn’t know who to reach out to because most of my friends and family members also came from nuclear families.”

After a few years of trial and error, Erica felt she had a good handle on being a loving stepmother and supportive partner to her husband. So much so that she began writing a book on being a stepparent in 2018. She interviewed friends who grew up in blended families, speaking in depth with stepmothers, stepfathers, and adult stepchildren about their experience. Erica says she wrote a few chapters and drafts, but didn’t finish the book until her “whole world turned upside down” in 2023.

Erica discovered that her husband of eight years was having an affair with the mother of his daughter.

“Things started feeling off [and] weird, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. On Easter Sunday, I look at his phone. I automatically zeroed in on the text messages between him and his daughter’s mom, and there was no text history. Immediately I’m like, ‘something’s not right.’ I ended up finding out that they were having an affair. It was devastating.”

Erica says she decided to end the marriage and channel all her emotions into her writing.

“I was done. It was like one of those things where I can’t heal from this — not in a way where we can stay together,” she explains. “In the process of just therapy and figuring everything out, I started writing again. It was cathartic and therapeutic, and the whole meat of the book came out of the pain. [The writing] flourished and it became this manuscript.”

One year later, Erica has published her self-help memoir “Marrying ApParent: A Roadmap for Navigating the Journey of Marrying a Parent,” which gives readers an in-depth guide to dating, marrying, and navigating relationships with people who have children. Using her own experience, Erica provides insights on what men and women should look out for when entering a stepparent relationship.

BlackLove.com Related Articles:

What I Wish I Knew About Co-Parenting Before I Said ‘Yes’ to My Husband

Why Hearing Black Men Discuss the Nuances of Parenting and Co-Parenting Matters

Yes, Children Will Change Your Marriage — Let’s Talk About It

 

“You can’t talk about marrying a parent and write a book about giving a voice to the step parents without being vulnerable. It was something God put on my spirit,” she says. “For me, this is raw and it’s real, and so many people’s stories are incorporated into the book.”

Erica dives deep into red flags and green flags to look out for in the book as a single person: “The first thing is you have to be patient when you’re dating someone with children because their availability is not like yours. You have to be okay with understanding that they might not be able to be as spontaneous as two single people with no kids. I would say the biggest thing for anyone who is dating a custodial parent, whether you’re a man or a woman, you need to be aware of what the financial obligations are of that other parent.”

Erica adds that the book “gives questions to the single person to ask the person that they’re dating so that you have a well rounded view of who they really are.”

“Do they have boundaries with their child’s parent? Are they an active parent, whether they’re custodial or non-custodial? If you’re a custodial parent, how often is your child with you? Do you financially help with the mother or the father? When you’re dating somebody with a child, you want to make sure that they’re fully present in that role.”

“Marrying ApParent” also provides guidance for partnered stepparents and custodial parents as well. Erica says the book is “a recalibration tool for their marriages” and encourages couples to go through these steps and assess where their marriage is and where they want it to go.

Courtesy of Pexels.com

“Maybe you sit down with a therapist or a coach and you go through these questions and say, ‘Where did we go wrong and where can we reset?’ Because more than likely, you didn’t get that guidance going in. For the parents, it’s making sure they’re in a healed space. It’s a tool for them to check into themselves and say, ‘Am I saving space for my spouse? Does my spouse, as a step parent, have a voice? Are we aligned with how we are raising the child? Am I giving them this feeling like I don’t have their back?’ I think for me, it was like, ‘I wish, even after marriage, I had a tool like this.’”

Eric also provides insights on how to navigate a relationship with your stepchild if your marriage ends. Erica had to figure out what her connection with her step daughter would look like after her divorce. When you spend years raising a child as a stepparent, letting go of that child after divorce is not easy. Instead of cutting the child completely out of your life, Erica suggests showing the child or children the same love and support in whatever way feels comfortable for them.

“[The chapter] is called ‘Don’t Throw the Baby Out in the Bath Water,”” Erica says. “[Leaving my stepdaughter] was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience because I’ve raised her since she was 4 years old and both of her biological parents are the people who broke my heart. I said to her, ‘I don’t care what happens, you always have a space in my life.’ Her bed is still in my home. She’s always going to have space. The thing I had to understand is I had to let her lead the relationship. If you are a step parent and you do find yourself in a situation like this, make room for that relationship to still be.”

Ultimately, Erica wants “Marrying ApParent” to grow into a community and platform where stepparents and stepchildren feel seen and heard.

“I would just love to continue to build this community so that people have a voice and they don’t feel alone. You know, sometimes there’s a stigma. Continuing to be a resource for this community is all that I want.” “Marrying ApParent” is available to purchase now online.

JOIN THE CONVERSATION