In a noisy world with so many opinions and biases around Black Love, commitment, and marriage, I jumped for joy when I learned Couch Conversations Season 3 dropped with Tabitha and Chance Brown as hosts! Episode five got straight to the punch about the pressure of holding it down in a relationship while having a partner who’s a dreamer. In Tab’s words, a dreamer is the one who is “wholeheartedly ready to pursue the dream.” And although my partner and I are both dream chasers doing our thing individually and cohesively in the creative space, I’m absolutely the dreamer in our relationship.
After watching this episode, I got a glimpse of what it feels like to be on the other side of the relationship and realized it isn’t easy being in a relationship with a dreamer. Especially because we dreamers are often able to push past our current reality and envision the future. If you’re like me, then you know that we dreamers have been told we require a lot, but that’s okay because we also bring a lot to the table. If you’re not like me, but your partner is, here are eight ways you can constructively show up for your partner.
- Ask Your Partner to Clarify the Vision
- Hold Them Accountable
- Provide Tangible Support
- Provide Constructive Feedback
- Be Okay With Time and Space
- Get Comfortable with Sacrifice
- Understanding the Pressure of “Holding it Down” Won’t Last Forever
- Be Ready and Open to Your Partner Evolving
In the episode, we met Ashley and Shanita engaged for three years and together for five. Ashley shared how Shanita’s dream became hers. Although Shanita has a promising career in law, she dreams of having her own coffee shop. While Ashley was still figuring out her dream, she assisted Shanita in bringing hers to life so she can be inspired every day to navigate to her own.
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If you notice your significant other spending time binge-watching shows, scrolling on social media, and kee-keeing with her girls more than nurturing the dream- hold him/her accountable. Remind them to prioritize their time, money, and energy into the dream. Chance mentioned that he held Tab accountable about her living situation when he visited her in L.A. when she first moved there then she ended up moving back to North Carolina to save up to come back stronger than ever. Even though the plan didn’t work entirely out how she planned on her timeline, she stayed focused and made it a priority to move back to Los Angeles, where she knew her dream would blossom. She needed that accountability to help her get to where she is today.
We saw the couples in this episode discuss how they’ve had to tangibly show up for their partners which I think is key. My boyfriend does a great job at doing this whether it’s through cute love letters, doing research for me, or sometimes even shooting the content I need for a campaign. Providing tangible support to a dreamer is a form of love that we love to receive. It helps us see that you too are invested in the vision, and you choose to be a part of it.
Providing constructive feedback to your partner shows them that you’re able to see areas for them to grow and sharpen their craft. As a dreamer, I craved constructive feedback from someone who knew me well but then when my partner started giving it to me, I had to learn not to take it personally. Despite how it may be received, this shows that you’re paying close attention to your partners’ strengths and weaknesses and what needs to be done to feed or starve one or the other. I also think this creates a bridge of trust and vulnerability between two people especially when it comes to somebody’s dream! Jesse sort of touched on this that his favorite part of marriage is “having a teammate in dark moments and dope moments.” It’s so amazing to be able to build your dreams knowing somebody you trust and love not just as a partner but as a best friend who has your back.”
Kim and Jesse’s story illustrated what this looks like. Being married since ages 22 and 23, Kim shared how there have been times where she’s spent holidays alone while he’s overseas working, stayed faithful in supporting his dream while funds were low, and held it down with her faith trusting that things would always work out regardless of the circumstances.
Whew, this one right here! I’m in a long-distance relationship in different time zones so there are some key moments in our careers and relationship that I’ve spent alone just because of the circumstances. On top of that, being a Dreamer comes with a lot of responsibility, interactions, and high expectations. Your partner could frequently travel like Kim and Jesse, or your partner may not always be physically or emotionally available. It’s important to be okay with there sometimes being a lot of time and space while your partner is building while being built. To be fully transparent, I’m learning this now in my relationship: sometimes my partner needs space to regroup before we get on the phone. Sometimes, we’re not always going to be able to spend special moments together. This has taught me healthy codependency, something we all should practice.
I’ve been in a relationship before where I lacked support and sacrifice from a significant other, not because they didn’t love me or believe in me but because at first, they didn’t understand the magnitude of the sacrifice that produced the romanticized glow up. Eventually, as he started to see the fruit of my labor, he began to come around and understand but there are people out there who feel like “this is your dream; why do I need to give up the time and things I love?”
Ashley and Shanita beautifully exemplify what sacrifice and support look like while becoming individually and cohesively. Ashley admitted that it wasn’t easy, and it’s still not easy, “We wake up every day choosing to do this. Choosing to love each other throughout the ups and downs.” A whole word! Getting comfortable with sacrifices helps you intentionally choose to love and show up even when it’s inconvenient.
Tab shared one of the things she loves about her marriage is that there’s no judgment. When tab began chasing her dream, she told Chance to give her five years for everything to come to life. When that timeline didn’t work out the way she planned, each year after that she had to revisit her plan with conviction. I got teary-eyed when Tab said, “I believed every year was the year, every day was the day even when I was frustrated, even when I lost faith. Even when the struggle was real.” That statement choked me up but also fueled so much faith in me because there’s no blueprint or promising timeline of when your hard work as a Creative will pay off, and when a significant other, bills, and other people are involved, you have to consider them too.
Although Chance got frustrated at times with hearing she had to “pay her dues,” he admired Tab for her “relentless pursuit” of what she wanted. Of course, we see today that Tab paying her dues did pay off! But we can’t look past that there was a season of paying her dues with unpaid gigs and failed plans that could’ve rocked their faith in the dream. I loved how Chance shared how he stayed committed to being with Tab while she was still paying her dues to follow her dreams, and I believe it’s crucial for a significant other to be patient and loving throughout the process of holding it down. Reminding yourself that a season doesn’t last forever will encourage you to endure while supporting your partner as they strive to become.
In this episode, Kim said, “I fell in love with him as he was, but you don’t know what that looks like every year.” For me, this was a beautiful depiction of unconditional love where one doesn’t necessarily know what to expect but is committed and fluid as times flow. Loving a dreamer, means loving the changes they go through. Some people are intimidated by change, but if you are open and ready, you’ll get to experience the evolved version of your partner! Be ready to love a better, sharper, and completely transformed person than who you initially met.
Although I’m not married yet, this episode made me realize that I should embrace tough moments in my relationship because it’s those moments that are going to test our love and willingness to give up one’s self for each other. It’s not only refreshing to see healthy Black couples who are relentlessly pursuing their dreams, but it’s refreshing to see the level of selflessness that helps nourish and sustain their love.
Binge the entire season of Couch Conversations on the Black Love+ App or watch episodes weekly on YouTube.
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