Why a Relationship Sabbatical Could Be Just What a Couple Needs
by Raquelle Harris
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January 26, 2024

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Why a Relationship Sabbatical Could Be Just What a Couple Needs

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Those of us in long-term relationships can attest to the challenges of keeping it fresh and drama free as life’s highs and lows test us. Having a life partner can bring immeasurable joy, but the responsibility and accountability that comes with partnership can wear on a relationship over time. My grandparents were married for 63 years, yet at times, they tapped on each other’s nerves. During one of our many shopping sprees to Hudson’s, my grandma revealed how they managed to keep their love intact. “Make sure both of you take time for yourselves,” she said. 

Now that I’m married, I understand why my grandmother’s extended shopping trips, retreats with the United Methodist Women, and extra TV in the house mattered. I realized that one of the “secrets” to marital bliss is honoring who you are as an individual, while also edifying who you are as a couple. The time we spend away from our bae is as essential as the time we spend together as a couple. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it also helps us grow as individuals, so we can strengthen our connection as a couple. Solo staycations are one way for couples to secure me time. Another way to have an extended break from each other is with a relationship sabbatical. 

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Relationship sabbaticals aren’t new, yet it’s a foreign concept to those who believe in working issues out together under one roof. Similar to when you’re on hiatus from anything else, a sabbatical eventually ends and you return to your relationship. Yet, when I asked fellow wives about the concept, many gave a resounding “That’s interesting, but nope!” Others talked about brief stints living apart from their hubby and a few shared how they could understand the need for a sabbatical in order to stay sane in their relationship. It’s hard to heal in the same space in which you are hurt, thus it takes a mindset shift to view relationship sabbaticals as an option for maintenance instead of an excuse to escape. 

“[A relationship sabbatical] is time away from your mate, a time of healing and exploring,” explains certified marriage and family counselor and relationship expert Love McPherson. “You can’t focus all your attention on the couple, and not on yourself.”

With an average length of three months, relationship sabbaticals require both people agree to guidelines that are supported by a qualified relationship expert or licensed couples therapist who can help them successfully navigate their sabbatical. Individual therapy as well as sessions as a couple are an essential element as well. Couples are advised to meet with their counselor/therapist monthly, or more as needed, to assess where they’ve been, their thoughts and feelings, and progress towards the goals they set for what McPherson calls “a healing separation.”  

“The premise of this and the emphasis is not on the separation. The emphasis is on the healing. You are not separating to separate; you are separating to heal,” she adds. “Sometimes sabbaticals are necessary for the healing of a relationship. People are not trying to divorce the person they married, they are trying to divorce the pain.”

The end goal is to resume the relationship and explore other options besides permanent separation or divorce. Couples are encouraged to carefully plan their relationship sabbatical and establish a written agreement that covers whether you and your mate are going to live apart during this time, methods and frequency of contact, and the understanding that you’re not seeking out other relationships. 

“There is no sex, though,” cautions McPherson. “You need to miss that. There is absolutely no sex with your partner, and no dating or anything with anyone else. If you don’t feel like you have the integrity to do that, you’ve got a bigger issue.” 

Couple in bed (Photo courtesy of Rawpixel.com)
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In her more than two decades of experience as a therapist, McPherson notes she’s worked with approximately eight couples who underwent a relationship sabbatical; six of them were successful. 

“Every month, we would meet and we would discuss the pros and the cons; it was difficult. Some people didn’t have the luxury of going to stay at a hotel,” she recalls. “They were sleeping on somebody’s couch, so that made it very uncomfortable. They were happy to get back home. One of them did actually rent an apartment. That one took a little longer, but they did come back home and they are still together.”

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Pros and cons of a relationship sabbatical will vary for each couple, yet the pros often include getting to know and staying in touch with one’s self, and helping your spouse to stay in touch with how you’ve changed since the relationship began. It can also allow you to fall in love with yourself again, forgive yourself, celebrate yourself, and reflect on how you can show up stronger in your relationship. This work may also help curve any sense of loneliness, which McPherson finds common even among individuals who are married because loneliness isn’t actually about solitude. It’s about the feeling of not being heard, seen or understood. Solitude during a sabbatical can bring much needed introspection about your contribution to your relationship.  

Parents may view juggling this new arrangement with children as a con, but it can also be an opportunity to teach children by modeling that they are still individuals even when they’re a part of a couple. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, distrust or resentment may be triggered by a mate’s request for a sabbatical, as well, which only reinforces the need to examine the root of the issues that led to the disharmony between the two.

Relationship sabbaticals happen primarily amongst married couples, yet when it comes to unmarried partners licensed professional counselor and Founder of Faith Soars Counseling Shaaree McCalpine notes there are nuances to consider. “For unmarried couples there can be less motivation to want to come back,” she says. “The question is always why, what is driving the decision, and how would the sabbatical bring the couple closer. 

The intent is to go separate ways and come back together. The reality is they are single or not committed to marriage, so anything can happen. Being away from problems, conflicts and responsibility, most of the time, the person will decide that it’s better to be alone or string the other person along.”

As relationships progress, we evolve individually and collectively, which requires us to re-introduce ourselves and our values to our significant other over time. While many couples seek a sabbatical when on the brink of disaster, others are proactive instead of reactive. When handled properly, a relationship sabbatical can benefit the individuals and the couple as a whole. It may be exactly what they need to reset, renew and restore their bond.

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