Whether we vocalize it or not, we all set boundaries with the people in our lives. These boundaries protect us from activities, situations, or conversations with friends and family that can hurt us. It’s not always easy, but boundaries are essential for respecting yourself and avoiding toxicity.
Of gets a little more complicated with love. Intimate partners often get this nagging feeling that their boundaries are insults to their significant other. Maybe you don’t want them coming over unannounced, but you’re worried they’ll take it personally if you ask them to call ahead. Maybe you need to have a consent conversation, but you’re nervous they’ll think you aren’t attracted to them. Maybe you don’t want them to meet your family but don’t want to explain why, so they might think you aren’t serious about the relationship.
Anxieties like this make it a tough conversation, but most couples muscle through the awkwardness in the first few months of dating and set their boundaries. They talk, reach an understanding, and then they’re set — at least for a little while.
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Most couples never bother to have this conversation twice, even when their relationship changes dramatically. The healthiest couples, on the other hand, revisit their boundaries often.
Why Boundaries Matter
Remember that nagging feeling? It might quiet down after you set boundaries the first time, but it doesn’t go away. It gets louder and louder the longer you go without boundary maintenance, but it quiets down when you dose it with self-respect. It’s critical to understand that boundaries aren’t about your partner, how much you love them, or how close you two are. Boundaries are about you and about respecting yourself. They help create a relationship environment where you feel safe, comfortable, and healthy – and what kind of partner wouldn’t want that for you?
When you take that perspective, it can be easier to vocalize your own needs and respect your partner’s. Their boundaries aren’t about changing your behavior — they’re about what makes each of you comfortable, which means they’re a great chance to show respect and learn more about each other.
In this sense, they’re the ultimate test of trust and security. They prove that you can (or can’t) trust your partner to put your needs above their desires, and vice versa. When boundaries are broken or ignored, relationships suffer. When they’re respected, a couple’s trust and intimacy grow.
Adjusting Boundaries With Your Partner
There’s no surefire blueprint that works for everyone; boundaries are unique to your relationship and change over time. However, there are some tricks you can use to how and when.
First, as simple as it sounds, pay attention to your feelings. When has a partner made you feel anxious, stressed, unsafe, upset, or another negative emotion in the past? What behavior caused it? Never compare your current partner to your exes, but definitely learn from the past and try to anticipate boundaries ahead of time.
Second, treat every life change as an opportunity to look at your boundaries again. Did you just start a stressful job? Maybe you need a few nights a week to yourself to decompress. Are you moving in together? Then you absolutely need to talk about personal space.
Is it becoming impossible to sleep together? Maybe one of you snores, or you both go to bed at different times – that’s okay. Setting a boundary for sleep is healthy, but few of us do it. There are tons of intimate couples with stellar sex lives who don’t even sleep in the same room together.
And, of course, address issues as they come — not after they boil over. This makes it easier to have a respectful and productive conversation. Some couples will schedule a boundary talk, check-in, or situation report every few months or so. If you set a boundary you don’t need anymore, don’t be afraid to say so! Physical touch, for example, is a common boundary that some of us need at the beginning of a relationship but may lower later on.
When adjusting your boundaries, it’s important to keep a few things in mind. Your boundaries – especially physical – are not a negotiation. You aren’t asking your partner for money or extreme effort; you’re asking them to respect you and the rules that make a healthy relationship with you possible.
It’s nice to explain why you feel a certain way, but you don’t necessarily owe your partner an explanation. You can’t control how you feel, so let your partner know that your boundaries are about your feelings and not about their behavior or how much you love them. Reassure them that the boundaries aren’t their fault.
Boundaries can make people insecure, so reassure your partner that you care for them, want to be with them physically and emotionally, and that you trust them. Sometimes it’ll be a hard conversation no matter what you do.
Lastly, don’t make your boundaries vague — or if you do, be ready to get specific later if your partner is in a grey area. If you tell your partner, “I need more time to myself,” then they’re bound to be confused. They may even overcorrect and become distant. If you say, “I need at least an hour a day to myself,” then it’s perfectly clear what you want.
Like every aspect of any relationship, boundaries involve a lot of trial and error and change over time. You won’t get it right the first time – no one does — but even failing can bring you and your partner closer together as you learn about each other’s needs and how to respect them. Boundaries aren’t meant to keep people apart or limit behavior; rather, they’re a beautiful expression of trust and respect that build intimacy between partners.
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